Dr. Gary Chapman, whose book has exceeded two million copies in sales, speaks extensively throughout the United States and other parts of the world on marriage, family and relationships. His book has been translated into more than 29 languages, giving way to 12 other related books and three video series.
"My conclusion after 20 years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. We all have a primary love language, a way we want love to be shown to us. If your spouse does not express love to you in your primary language, you may feel unloved even though she cares deeply for you. It is as if you speak English but your spouse speaks to you in French. Or you prefer oranges but she gives you apples instead," Chapman said.
According to Dr. Chapman, a better understanding of your spouse’s unique language of love could save and enhance the relationship. "Learn to speak and understand your mate’s love language, and in no time you will be able to effectively love and truly feel loved in return," Dr. Chapman promised.
The five primary love languages are as follows:
• Words of affirmation. You tell your spouse how much you love him, or how handsome he looks to you, or how glad you are you married him, or how much you appreciate what he just did for you – all of which is designed to enhance his self-esteem, to build him up. Dr. Chapman pointed out that Mark Twain said he could live for two months on a good compliment while Solomon concurred that the tongue has the power of life and death.
Chapman clarified further the importance of affirmation: "Most of us have more potential than we can ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst."
• Quality time. You spend quality time with your spouse when you are focused on each other and are not distracted by other activities. An intimate dinner, time to really listen to her talk about her feelings, a walk together holding hands – these are all examples of quality time. It is the quality that counts, not the amount. Dr. Chapman said, "Quality time is focused attention. It means giving (a loved one) your undivided attention. Quality time is your gift of presence. It conveys the message: You are important (and) I like being with you."
"The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together, being together," he added. Togetherness transcends physical proximity. As Dr. Chapman sadly lamented, some may be sharing the same bed or sitting in the same couch side by side but emotionally, they are so detached from each other and lost in their own busyness.
He recommended starting with quality conversation (wasn’t that the first task of dating?). This requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. How many wives recount to their husbands every night their woes at work? Some husbands think that their wives are asking for assistance or advice when in reality they just want sympathy.
• Receiving gifts. Those small, unexpected gifts may help your spouse feel more loved by you. Flowers, a card that expresses love, or a gift you give him after returning from a business trip are examples of presents which express love.
This is probably the easiest of the love languages. Gifts need not be expensive, and may not be given weekly. The key is in the surprise and spontaneity.
"Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items you purchased or made. Gifts demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship," Dr. Chapman said.
• Acts of service. These are the little things you do for your spouse to show you care. Cooking his favorite meal, sewing a button on his shirt, having the oil changed in his car or bringing him a cup of coffee in the morning are examples of acts of service.
Dr. Chapman pointed out, "Criticism of your spouse’s failure to do things for you may be an indication that acts of service is your primary love language. Acts of service should never be coerced but should be freely given and received, and completed as requested."
• Physical touch. This is not only about good sex, although it may be a part of it. Hugs, kisses, backrubs or touching her shoulder as you pass her by are other examples of physical touch.
"Sitting close to each other on the couch as you watch your favorite television program requires no additional time but may communicate your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Hugging your spouse before he leaves may not only express love, it may bring him home sooner," Chapman suggested.
How do you determine your primary love language and that of your spouse? Dr. Chapman offered these guide questions:
• How do you usually show love to your spouse? The way you express love may be the way you want love shown to you, but it may not be the primary way your spouse wants to receive it.
• What do you most frequently request from your spouse? Do you usually ask for more touching or time or verbal expressions of love?
• What does your spouse do or say, or fails to do or say, which wounds you most deeply? If harsh, critical words are deeply hurtful, perhaps words of affirmation are your primary love language. If you are angry when your spouse spends too much time at work or play, then quality time may be your primary love language.
What this question implies, sadly, is that your primary love language can be a double-edged sword. It is the way your spouse can best show love to you, but it is also the way he can hurt you the most.
Finally, what might you not have received in childhood as expressions of love from your parents? Did you want them to spend more time with you playing games? Did they criticize more than praise you or fail to hug or kiss you often? What you missed in childhood may have become your primary love language in adulthood.
So how do you speak love? And how does your spouse speak love? Knowledge of our primary love languages can be the key to a great and loving relationship.