Just in time for their major, major return of the comeback (and at the brink of when this sound bite becomes sorely overused), the dynamic duo of beauty pageants enthusiasts — Veejay “I’ve been viewed 2.5 million times in YouTube for my ‘We Love Venus Raj’ video. Chozz!” Floresca, and Voltaire “my biggest achievement in life was visiting the Miss Universe headquarters when it was still in Los Angeles, California” Tayag — explain the importance of Miss Universe to world peace, the technical beauty requirements for a winning candidate and Venus Raj’s answer in a parallel universe.
Along the way, they quote in verbatim (and in unison) choice answers of several Miss Universe winners since 1952. My fellow men, my three female readers, and the DOMs who frequent this column, you have been warned.
The Trump Card
RJ: Given the country’s major, major obsession with beauty pageant contests, shouldn’t we start putting up beauty pageant schools just like soon-to-be world conquerors Venezuela? You and Veejay can be the deans, the disciplinarians and the runway models.
Voltaire: Although they do train our contestants in Binibining Pilipinas, what is more important is how much emphasis that the country gives to win the pageants. But despite all the training and preparation our contestants undergo, it is really the set of judges that really matters.
RJ: So we should start a school of beauty pageant influence peddlers? I know a lot of potential teaching faculty who have been unemployed since the start of the Aquino administration.
Voltaire: A different set of judges can really skew the outcome.
RJ: I know, I know! Did you see this year’s 2010 Miss Universe judges? Actor William Baldwin, percussionist Sheila E, singer Chynna Philips and some guy from The Sopranos!? At that rate, they should have included that Eighties has been from the Royal Tru-Orange commercial.
Voltaire: In an interview with E in 2004, Donald Trump said that they’ve changed the way they select the top 15. They’ve incorporated choices of the Miss Universe Foundation to avoid bias because the contest can be distorted by the fact that some contestants are over-trained, so you can already expect them to enter into the semi-finals.
RJ: Over-trained? What do you mean? Their silicone enhancements are equipped with mind-control devices? They can do quadruple somersaults with their hair flips? That they actually have a viable solution to world peace?
Voltaire: Paula Shugart, president of the Miss Universe organization, was quoted in a 2007 interview they kind of brief the judges of a particular type of that they want to represent the organization that year. That year, they said they wanted a woman who was fashion-forward, so the judges are led to that type of woman. Hence, Miss Japan won that year. Ever since Trump took over the Miss Universe organization, it has become a business entity (shakes his fist in the air).
RJ: That being the case, I am sure many pageant enthusiasts have a price on Trump’s head for irreparably altering the results of the Miss Universe contest. The price of the toupee is extra.
One Man’s Meat is Another Man’s Poison
RJ: Veejay and Voltiare, please try to restrain yourselves, but there have been groups that have questioned the relevance of beauty contests in this day and age.
Veejay: Whaa-haatt!? It’s the APEC convention of beauty!
RJ: I know, I know. It’s the United Nations in swimsuits. Nonetheless, some groups claim that it objectifies women. How does that argument work for gay beauty pageant enthusiasts?
Voltaire: I think it gives women the platform for women to foray into the fields, be it in politics, be it in business, be it in entertainment.
Veejay: Be it in the armed forces.
Voltaire: It gives women the strength and courage that they need. (Veejay and Voltaire laugh, knowingly.)
RJ: I am as lost as a DILG secretary. What are you talking about?
Voltaire: We are laughing because I was quoting Lara Dutta, Miss Universe 2000.
Veejay: The question she was asked was, “What can you say about people who are criticizing Miss Universe.” Well, I guess the only question that the Miss Universe contest still needs to solve is world peace.
Voltaire: For those who don’t find the pageant relevant, I guess they don’t watch it. Let us be: let the people who enjoy beauty pageants enjoy it! The same way that I don’t care about (makes the sign of the cross) Manny Pacquiao and boxing.
(A collective gasp from all the straight Pinoy men within a 50-meter radius. And some straight Pinoy women. And some other Pinoys who fall somewhere within the sexual continuum.)
What’s relevant about going back to the Neanderthal ways and hitting each other!? But I’m not going to tell people to stop watching because it’s not relevant.
RJ: Hey, like I said before, a Manny Pacquiao fight is like the Miss Universe for straight men. And it may have to do with women in swimsuits between rounds.
Voltaire: Beauty pageants not only uplift the contests, they uplift the spirits of people as well.
The No Girlfriends Since Birth (NGSBs): We definitely feel some upliftment when we watch Miss Universe.
Veejay and Voltaire, I give you permission to go Neanderthal all over those NGSBs.
Kontra-Beauty
RJ: Are there technical “beauty” requirements to become a Miss Universe? The Renaissance artists used to follow a Neo-Classical criteria in defining a beautiful face, such as that the width of the face must be four times the width of the nose, and the height of the forehead, length of the nose and height of the lower face must all be of equal length. Do the judges subconsciously follow these requirements in choosing a Miss Universe? And do the losing contestants and their plastic surgeons need to take remedial Math classes?
Voltaire: That description of these beauty measurements was more typical in the Fifties up to the Seventies, where the winners were usually the conventional European Caucasian women with a sputtering of Asian beauties. But these days, the diversity among the different type of beauties is more celebrated.
Veejay: What I’ve noticed from the previous winners is that they look mataray (harsh), matapang (bold) and maldita (peevish). They have that kontrabida (antagonist) look.
RJ: Then Gladys Reyes should have joined Miss Universe.
Voltaire: More of the Cherie Gil type (laughs).
RJ: Then the other contestants better be ready to have water thrown on them.
Voltaire: Those with angelic looks usually end up as runner-ups.
Veejay: Miss Universe 2008 Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela over first runner-up Taliana Vargas of Colombia. Vargas was prettier, but Dayana won. Or Miss Universe 2006 Zuleyka Rivera of Puerto Rico over first runner-up Kurara Chibana of Japan. I can go on and on.
RJ: Dear Lord, you are as much a beauty pageant geek as I am a comic book geek. The only difference between us is the number of showers we take in a week and how much hair we voluntarily have shaved off. So what do you think of 2010 Miss Universe Ximena Narvarrete? Can she give Cherie Gil a run for her money? Or even Gladys Reyes?
Veejay: She has an angelic face, eh.
Voltaire: There’s no doubt that she’s beautiful, but for me she lacks the x-factor that makes a Miss Universe. Without any bias, I would’ve wanted Venus to be Miss Universe.
Veejay: Venus talaga eh (It was really Venus).
Voltaire: She would have stood out and would have become a memorable Miss Universe.
RJ: Damn you and your probing personal questions, William Baldwin! But is there any way to prepare for a question-and-answer portion? Do they attend public speaking classes? Logic classes? Mind-reading classes?
Voltaire: You need to know your strengths and what the media will want to pick up from Miss Universe contestants. That’s one thing they should put in their heads: Not only what answer makes them who they are also makes them buzz-worthy.
Veejay: For me, it’s very important that they answer in a unique fashion.
RJ: Like with an interpretative dance?
Veejay: Second, it should be witty and candid and unusual, not your usual pageant answer. Like when 1982 Binbining Pilipinas-Universe Maria Isabel Lopez was asked, “Are you still a virgin?” and then she famously answered, “If I say yes, will I take home the crown?”
(No Girlfriends Since Birth: Sadly, we know how to answer that question as well.)
Or when 1994 Binibining Pilipinas-Universe Charlene Gonzales was asked, “How many islands does the Philippines have?” and she replied “High tide or low tide?”
Pwede nang maging (She can already be a) talk show host! Oh wait a moment…
Voltaire: Among pageant enthusiasts, we have a term called “pageant patty” — which is stuffing your answer. Now they have veered away from the pageant patty answer like “world peace.”
Veejay: If you answer “world peace,” you will automatically become a runner-up.
RJ: No wonder world peace is so hard to achieve. But some candidates do labor under the impression that an answer which combines the awareness of current events, patriotism and charity is a winning one. Such as when Miss Teen USA 2007 South Carolina Caite Upton replied to the question “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?” with the following (and I quote verbatim) “I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.” Kaya niyo yan (Can you do that)? She was eventually signed up by Trump’s modeling agency, appeared in The Amazing Race and the MTV Music Awards and has had a commercial. But I am still unsure if she has found the US on a world map.
Veejay: That’s why when you look at Venus’ question, we were surprised because the level of difficulty of the questions was not equal across candidates. If you analyze the questions that were given to the other candidates, they were all about current, practical issues. And then here comes a personal question for Venus.
Voltaire: In 2002, they asked a question that was a lot simpler than you could imagine “What makes you blush?” to all of the finalists. Miss Russia Oxana Fedorova — who was dethroned — won when she answered, “When I say the wrong thing.”
RJ: That’s it? Nothing about God and charity and — wait for it — “world peace”?
Voltaire: But she had a way of saying it that was flirty, sexy, elegant and with a smile. It’s all about the delivery.
RJ: So it doesn’t matter what you say, but as long as you say it with full-on makeup, with an evening gown, with high heels and with taray. Please take note of that presidential spokespersons.
Channeling Roman Godesses
RJ: And now here is your chance to leave your legacy to the world of Miss Universe, Veejay and Volatire. I want both of you to channel Venus Raj right now. No need to wear the evening gowns, please. But in a parallel universe, how else could have Venus answered the question “What is one big mistake that you’ve made in your life, and what did you do to make it right?” Remember, no pageant patty or else you will be barred from watching the live telecasts of Miss Universe for the rest of your lives.
Veejay: I think my biggest mistake was not to bring my mother to the competition because of poverty. And what I am going to do to make it right is to give my best to win this competition, so that I can make her and the rest of my fellow Filipinos proud.
Voltaire: I think my biggest mistake is that I didn’t look for my father hard enough. For 22 years, I have had no idea who he is or where he is. But Dad, if you are watching me right now, I hope that I have made you proud.
(Tears stream down from RJ’s eyes as he wraps both Veejay and Voltiare in sashes and princess crowns that he bought in Divisoria. Veejay and Volatire wave and blow kisses to the people around them. And in the distance, you can hear the thunderous applause of a thousand gay beauty pageant enthusiasts. And in the further distance, you can hear the grumblings of a thousand gay beauty pageant enthusiasts who wanted to answer the question.)
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For comments, suggestions, or if you would like to sign up for the Veejay and Volatire school of pomp and pageantry, please text me at PM POGI <text message> to 2948 for Globe, Smart and Sun subscribers. Or you can e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.ne and www.unomagazine.com.ph. Add me up on twitter, my twitter ID is rjled.