There are no better incentives for kumpares to play hooky from work than a free lunch in a chi-chi Italian restaurant, shots of brandy between forkfuls of pasta drizzled with truffle oil and, most importantly, the desire not to forfeit a free trip to Spain.
I had the privilege of slurping spaghetti with these bastards, este, kumpares who won the Fundador Brother-hood Challenge. This four-episode reality show, aired last May over the AXN cable channel, pitted teams of four real-life kumpares against each other for a chance to bag the ultimate prize — a trip to Jerez, Spain and an opportunity to tour and overwork their livers at the renowned House of Fundador.
Remember that, aside from Manny Pacquiao, kumpares are the only men that you can proclaim your true love for in a public venue. But there is a big difference between a pare and a kumpare, just as there is a big difference between squealing “I love you Manny Pacquiao!” and “I love you Bobby Pacquiao!” A pare is somebody whom you can be with as you consume horrible amounts of liquor, lose bladder control, regurgitate your dinner, and then eventually pass out on a vomit-stained floor where you lose bladder control all over again. Then, when you wake up the next morning, you find yourself behind bars while firmly ensconced in the arms of a bald, toothless, muscle-bound behemoth with a tattoo across his 46-inch waist that reads “Sweet Lover” as you receive a text message that reads, “Sorry pare. Hindi mo kasi binayaran yung bill kagabi.”
However, a kumpare is somebody whom you can be with as you consume horrible amounts of liquor, lose bladder control, regurgitate your dinner, and then eventually pass out on a vomit-stained floor where you lose bladder control all over again. Then, when you wake up the next morning, you find yourself in your kumpare’s bed all powdered up and smelling like baby cologne while wearing a fresh pair of underwear that is not yours. As you turn to your side, you find yourself lying down right beside your kumpare who whispers to you in his most seductive bedroom voice, “We will never speak of this again.”
And so I was invited to meet these men who weren’t afraid of changing their kumpares’ bikini briefs at a moment’s notice. They were Team Tom-A-Dor, composed of Tristan, a seasoned adventure racer and emergency medical technician (EMT) who lists performing CPR on both men and women as one of his hobbies (his kumpares have christened him the “heart and soul” of the group); then there’s Chito, the loquacious Makati-based lawyer (a.k.a. the “facial hair” of the group); Yuly, the high school computer teacher who is teaching a new generation of Pinoys how to make a bigger, better Love Bug virus (a.k.a. the “spleen” of the group); and Marky, who lives out a terribly exciting life as an I.T. consultant for a telecommu-nications company (a.k.a. the “loins” of the group). And of course myself: your saling pusa (a.k.a. the “third nipple” of the group).
These kumpares spoke in almost staccato unison, sometimes overlapping each other’s words, sometimes one-upping and sometimes pinching each other in the singit. As I interviewed these kumpares, our conversation naturally drifted towards themes of friendship, trust, loyalty and homoeroticism. I could feel the man-love that they shared hanging in the air like a fart that just wouldn’t disperse. And of course, like any crab mentality-loving Pinoy who was extremely jealous of the fact that these guys would be hieing off to Spain for free, I tried to find ways to bring them down.
On becoming kumpares
Third Nipple (3N): So where did you guys first meet up? High school? Classified ads? Prayer groups?
Tristan of Lucky bastards going to Spain (LuBaGS): I used to organize mountaineering climbs. That’s where all of us met.
3N: What is it about mounting a mountain that brings men closer to one another? Is it the lack of oxygen to the brain?
Chito of LuBaGS: It’s a challenge every time you climb a mountain. And during that challenge, you spend a lot of time together and you get to know each other during the climb. Sometimes you end up walking with each other for five hours. But not while holding hands, ha?
3N: I see that you’re very careful to point that part out.
LuBaGS: And when you get to the peak, siyempre malamig. You sleep beside each other. But not hugging each other, ha? There is safety and warmth in numbers after all.
3N: Yeah, whatever you say. But just in case, you always bring something for protection, right?
LuBaGS: We always have petroleum jelly ready.
3N: Uh, I meant protection from the cold. I didn’t realize what really went on in these mountaineering climbs. Among all the guys that you go mountaineering with, how did the four of you end up becoming close? How did you know whom to include and exclude among the kumpares? Was it the size of your karabiners? The lack of their chest hair?
LuBaGS: Well, aside from mountain climbing we also do a lot of other outdoor activities together, like running and biking and swimming. That’s where the group was formed.
3N: Ah, I see now, you are all addicted to muscle pain. Now, what incident in your lives as kumpares would you say was the defining moment where you knew you were all fated to become man-partners? An incident that we can share with a reading public of general patronage?
LuBaGS: It was when we climbed Mount Tayak in San Pablo, Laguna. Well, it’s not really a mountain. It’s actually a two-hour hike, then you drink when you get there (Laughter).
3N: So this is what mountaineers do?
Tristan: (More laughter.) But only to heat up the body during those cold, cold nights. Anyway, while we were at the peak, we could hear an exchange of fire at the foot of the mountain where there was apparently an encounter between the military and the NPA. There were people with the group who started to panic and wanted us to climb down from the mountain. But I said that if we make our way down, we might get caught in the crossfire. It would be much better if we just stayed put. But I was wondering to myself, “What if they come up here?” Now that was another problem.
3N: So while waiting for the gunfire to die down, you were all hugging each other for warmth and applying petroleum jelly?
LuBaGS: (Laughter.)
3N: Ah, the laughter says it all. Moving on, what was the first barely legal thing that you guys did together? Don’t worry, I only have three female readers reading this column.
LuBaGS: Parang di namin masabi dahil X-rated. It might threaten our free trip to Jerez, Spain.
3N: Oh, yes, rub it in about the free trip, why don’t you? Ah, you guys probably did something illegal with mountain goats.
On being kumpares
3N: Do you have pet names for each other?
LuBaGS: (Uneasy laughter.)
3N: No, no, no. I am not asking if you pet each other. I mean do you have special names for each other. Like “brod,” “kuya” or “sweet sexy thang”?
LuBaGS: Oh, then we just call other pare. Or sometimes p’re. Well, maybe we sometimes call each other “tweetums” or “baby” (laughter). But we like to call Tristan, the leader of the kumpares, “papi.”
3N: Well, everybody’s group does have to have a sugar daddy.
Tristan: No, no, no, I don’t have the assets.
3N: Ah, but you do have the intention?
Tristan: Yes! (Laughs heartily as his other kumpares cautiously fold their legs.)
3N: Do you have any unique catchphrases that you share with each other like, “Catch you later, alligator” or “Wait a minute, kapeng mainit” or “Don’t touch my yaya, you buwaya”?
LuBaGS: We don’t have any common phrases, but we do have individual phrases like “Hoy, ano yan!?” or “Ikaw ha!”
3N: Ah, how very original, you all really do deserve to go to Jerez, Spain. So, are you kumpares a very touchy-feely group? Do you make each other akbay? Do you touch each other in special way, but only with permission? Do you make akbay?
Tristan: Um, sometimes we do a group hug. But we make sure it’s a firm hug. A macho hug. Make sure to write that down, “a macho hug.”
3N: Don’t worry, papi. At this point of the interview, I don’t think we can still redeem your reputations.
On their experiences
as kumpares
3N: So what do you kumpares do together aside from getting horribly stinking drunk? Lift weights? Do Pilates? Cross-stitch?
LuBaGS: We go to Tristan’s place in Mandaluyong and do some drinking (laughter). And we also do biking and individual races.
3N (looking at Tristan): And when all these guys pass out from exhaustion, you apply CPR to them?
Tristan: (Laughter.) Yes, I do! (The group nervously laughs as they edge further away from Tristan.)
3N: Aside from rubbing muscle pain liniment on each other, what would you all consider a tragically embarrassing incident shared by the group that is so degrading that one of you just can’t wait to put on YouTube? Your trip to Jerez, Spain depends on it.
Marky of LuBaGS (after signing a disclosure agreement): Well, it happened once before and I don’t want it to happen again. In 1998, when we were on Mt. Banahaw, I was so exhausted when I got to the campsite that I didn’t have the chance to drink (alcohol) before I slept. So when I woke up in the morning and had breakfast, one of my kumpares noticed that I hadn’t taken a shot of the lambanog yet. So we started drinking lambanog as we had our breakfast. At that time, I was only wearing cycling shorts without a shirt.
3N: What a fashionista you were.
Marky: When we started heading down the mountain at 11 a.m., I was totally drunk. And because I removed my cycling shorts, I thought I put my hiking shorts back on. But I had just put on my hiking shoes and made my way down the mountain wearing only a pair of briefs. And some of the mountaineers finally noticed that I was only wearing a pair of briefs.
3N: You must have scared off a lot of mountain goats.
Marky: (Sighs.) And since that time, I have been called “Felix Bakat” by my fellow mountaineers because I was only wearing a pair of briefs.
3N: But isn’t it hard to be bakat when you are up in the mountains? The cold does that to you, you know.
Chito: It’s only embarrassing when you’re not… endowed (laughter).
3N: Ah, I see now why it was embarrassing for you, Marky.
Chito: At least it wasn’t “Felix the Mouse” (laughter).
Marky: I’m glad there weren’t any pictures taken of that incident.
3N: Trust me, mankind and my three female readers are ecstatic that there were not pictures taken at that time. But hey, at least your kumpares didn’t slip peso bills into your Felix Bakat. Similar to that Fundador commercial where all the kumpares get themselves tattooed, what sort of physical proof do you have that you are all kumpares? Vasectomies? Nipple rings? Permanent hair removal?
LuBaGS: (Laughter.) We all would have scars when we go on a climb. We get that all the time. Maybe from those pellets during paintball. Malakas pala ‘yan e. I never thought that you could bleed from getting shot with one of those guns.
3N: But you do get to rub muscle pain liniment on each other when the game’s done.
On the Fundador Brotherhood Challenge
3N: So why did you kumpares join the contest? Was it an excess of testosterone? Were you hoping to find some Iberian women who like Oriental men with Hispanic last names, a bare knowledge of pidgin Spanish, and the testicles to ask these women, “Would you like to know what your ancestors traveled across the seas for?”
LuBaGS: (Laughter.) We were used to joining other fun adventure races in the past, and we thought this would be just another half-day race but it turned out to last almost two days! And while we are in Jerez, we plan to try the genuine Fundador from the oak barrel.
3N: Please make sure to keep Felix Bakat in check while he’s drinking from the oak barrels, okay? We don’t want to cause an international incident.
How kumpare are you?
3N: If your friend has kulangot hanging out from his nose and he can’t remove it because you are all in the middle of mountain climbing, would you pick his nose for him?
LuBaGS: Of course! But I have a strategy: I will tell him that there’s something on his face then he will just remove it himself. Para hindi naman siya mahihiya.
3N: Hiya? May nahihiya pa ba sa inyo? Even after you’ve seen Marky’s Felix Bakat? And speaking of bakat, would you mind being stark naked in front of your kumpare? I’m not just talking about Felix Bakat, I am talking about no bakat at all.
Tristan: Me, I’m used to doing this in the campsite. I just turn around and let it all go.
3N: But I’m talking about full frontal, papi!
LuBaGS (collectively): No!!
Yuly of LuBaGS: I have no experience being naked with friends.
3N: That’s good to hear.
Marky: Well, maybe I would if I was totally drunk (laughter).
Other LuBaGS: (Noticeably not laughing along with him.)
3N: If your kumpare was too drunk to piss by himself, would you help him take a pee?
Tristan (responding very quickly): Me? Yes, I would because I used to do that before.
Other LuBaGS: (Collective gasp.)
Tristan: As an EMT, I am used to seeing and holding everything during rescue cases on the ambulance. So if I have a pair of power scissors on me, I’ll cut through this pants and put a diaper on him. Or I’ll just pull down his pants for him. Or I could put a catheter in him (laughter).
3N: Remind me never to get stinking drunk with you.
Tristan: Or maybe I could use a straw (laughter).
3N: Okay, too much information. What would you do if you found out that one of your kumpares had a man-crush on you and asked, “Pare, pa-kiss naman diyan?”
Marky: ‘Wag nalang kiss, holding hands nalang (laughter).
3N: It’s good that you’re taking it slow. And the killer question: Since you guys are mountaineers, then you probably encounter some snakes during a climb. If one of your kumpares was bitten on his Felix Bakat by a venomous snake, would you suck out the poison or would you just, say, send his family a funeral wreath and a Mass card?
LuBaGS: Tristan can do it! He’s an EMT!
Tristan: (Laughter, but again no straight answer.) Or you can use a tourniquet.
Chito: I think I would do it if it came to that.
3N: I knew it, you lawyers will do anything.
There are many things that we have learned from Team-A-Dor, and most of them have no practical value. Suffice it to say that when you are horribly stinking drunk with a group of fun-loving mountaineers like these kumpares, make sure that:
1. You tell them that you’re only willing to go as far as holding hands;
2. You are not near any EMT who wants to practice his skills with a catheter; and
3. You do not play with any cats. Because the next morning, you just might find out that the cat you were playing with was not your own.
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For more details on the Fundador Brotherhood Challenge on AXN, log on to www.axn-asia.com. For comments, suggestions or you want bicycle shorts banned for life, text PM POGI <message> and send it to 2948 for Globe, Sun and Smart subscribers. Or e-mail ledesma.rj@gmail.com.