This could be a lousy excuse, but after having lived four years in a First-World city, I came home 10 years ago with the patience of a New Yorker.
When something that doesn’t make sense to me happens over and over, that is enough to bring out the worst in me.
Here’s a short list of things I don’t understand about this country:
• Why do I need to be in a company to talk to someone?
I have this recurring problem with annoying telephone receptionists (I’m calling a computer company)...
Me: "Hello, may I speak with Glo, please?"
Them: "Who’s calling?"
"Cecile."
"From what company?"
(Insert sigh of annoyance) "No company, may I speak to Glo, please?"
"What company are you affiliated with?"
"Do I need to be affiliated with a company to buy a computer?"
"No, ma’am. I just want to know what company so I can tell Glo."
"Well, I don’t have a company. I’m just a customer who wants to buy a computer!"
Sometimes, I wish I were a taitai (pampered woman of leisure) with a personal secretary so I don’t have to lengthen my purgatory by dealing with these people. But I’m not a taitai so I have to make my own inquiries.
I’ve thought about going around the problem by inventing a company. I should probably say I’m from Lapid’s Chicharon, but lying makes me uncomfortable. I could probably say I’m from The Philippine Star and not lie, but I really don’t see why I have to do that to get someone on the line.
• Is fax paper gold?
One thing my dear husband and I don’t understand is why people screen fax phones. (I’m calling a fax number and somebody answers...)
Me: "Hello, can I have a fax tone, please?"
Them: "Saan ’to?" (Where’s this?)
Me: "Fax tone, please?"
Them: "Sino ’to?" (Who’s this?)
I’m thinking, Honey, you’ll find out if you press START.
So why do people screen faxes? Is fax paper gold? Ang mura kaya ng fax paper sa National. If the fax is nonsense, they can always press STOP. But honestly, fax paper is so affordable.
Somebody please explain this to me.
• Queuing in restrooms
One of the things I’ve had to adjust to is how the queue gets screwed up in public restrooms.
In my head, I think the first-world concept of first come, first served is correct. There should be one queue even if there are many stalls. The first available stall should be taken by the next in line.
Sometimes, it works like that in more civilized places like Rustan’s and Shangri-La mall, but in most other places, it’s war.
You just have to line up like everybody else in front of all the doors and squeeze in till there’s no more oxygen.
Too bad if you’re third-trimester pregnant and you’re standing behind the door of a person who’s doing number two.
• There is a plastic bag for everything.
I don’t get why takeaway drinks are placed in a supot (plastic bag). They do this at all local fast-food joints.
For me, it’s unnecessary and redundant and I refuse the bag. It’s not like I’m an alcoholic hiding liquor in a brown paper bag (as if people don’t already know what’s inside). It’s also harder to carry the drink with this plastic bag around it.
I’ve already tried asking, "Why do you put drinks in a supot?" They say, "Because it’s takeout."
And then?
Only in the Third World is there a supot for everything. Even soup comes in a "soupot." Pancit comes in a supot. If you buy one pack of cigarettes, they’ll put it in a supot. If you buy medicine in the drug store, it will come in a tiny baby supot. If you buy mineral water that you plan to drink right away, they will put it in a supot.
Why do butter, bacon and soap get packed in their own separate supots before going in with the rest of the groceries? I’d understand if it were Baygon they were segregating, but vacuum-packed bacon?
Even things like large-ass packs of diapers or sacks of rice that don’t need bags because they have built-in handles get their own plastic bags.
My husband told me about this European supermarket chain that literally saved millions of euros by cutting down on plastic bags.
How I wish local stores would be educated about the possible savings and the harmful effects of plastic bags on the environment.
• Too many questions
This always happens at my favorite yakiniku restaurant on Pasay Road...
Waitress: "Can I have your drinks, ma’am?"
Me: (No, you can’t, but you can take my order) "I’ll have Coke."
"Regular or Diet?"
"Regular."
"Bottle or can?"
"Bottle."
"8 oz. or 12 oz.?"
(I’m about to strangle her...) "Ano ba, just give me water!"
"Viva or Wilkins?" (The last part didn’t really happen to me, but I thought I’d add it here.)
• Gate passes
I hate buying from stores that issue gate passes when the security guard is two meters away from the cashier and can see you paying for the item.
• Why are we penalized for using our credit card?
Ooh, I really get irritated when they add on, like, six percent when you try to use your credit card. Like isn’t that illegal, not to mention annoying? Why don’t the store owners just sort of:
a) Raise the price slightly for the possibility of credit card use
b) Kindly offer a discount for cash payments, or
c) Just absorb the "loss" of the measly credit-card fee just like they’re supposed to do?
Another thing that bugs me is when cashiers assume you’re retarded and circle the amount on your credit-card slip and put a check mark on where you’re supposed to sign.
If you still don’t know where to sign, you probably have no business owning a credit card.
• When the sales staff is really dumb
At a bakeshop, I’m eyeing a cake with a sign listing its price by slice or by the whole.
Me: "Can I have a slice of this cake?"
Staff: "No, ma’am."
Me: "Why?"
Staff: "Kasi hindi pa po sliced, ma’am."
"Can you slice it?"
"No, ma’am."
"Ookaay, what if I buy six slices?" (Take note: six slices equals the whole cake.)
"Hindi po puede, ma’am."
"Eight slices?"
"No, ma’am."
"Bakit?"
"Kasi bawal po i-slice, ma’am."
(So what was that sign all about?)
• Where does the tissue go?
I used to wonder about those restroom signs that say:
DO NOT THROW ANY KIND OF PAPER IN THE BOWL.
PLEASE THROW ALL PAPERS IN THE TRASH CAN.
I was raised to flush used toilet paper, so this really confuses me. Like first of all, isn’t it unsanitary? What if you do number two, are you supposed to throw the used tissue in the bin? Isn’t that gross?
They should be more specific and explanatory, for example:
TO AVOID CLOGGING AND OVERFLOWING:
FOR NUMBER ONE, THROW TISSUE IN BIN.
FOR NUMBER TWO, FLUSH.
DO NOT FLUSH STRANGE OBJECTS LIKE SANITARY PADS, ETC.
This is not necessarily a Third World thing. I have seen similar signs in airplane lavatories. So I ask myself the same question: if you do number two, where does the tissue go? In that bin next to the sink? I think of the poor flight attendant who has to clean it on a long-haul flight.
I once saw a weird sign in a restaurant’s restroom that said: PLEASE DO NOT URINATE IN THE SINK.
I mentioned it to my sister who said she knew someone who owned a restaurant where someone actually took a crap in the sink.
"Why didn’t they use the toilet?" I asked.
"Beats me," my sister said.
We are savages, I tell you. Savages!