I’m bothered and have not been able to sleep for the past few days. I am so lonesome. The reason I suppose is I have long wanted to let go of my boyfriend who is happily married with four kids. We’ve been going steady for over a year. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I can get him out of my life. Every time I break up with him, he would talk to me and here we are again. The reason I want to be free is that I am not happy with him anymore but I still love him. You know it is really hard to let go of the man we love. Can you advise me? – Allen
Hi Allen. I am going to approach your problem from a totally different perspective. Actually, your problem is quite a common one, especially today when everyone is forced to mature both emotionally and spiritually. People are being given more and more emotional (and even financial) challenges that are forcing them to look deeper towards spiritual growth, beyond priorities of their everyday life like hopes and dreams of having a partner, having money in the bank and raising children. Today, we have to look at life from a different, higher and deeper perspective. (We are, after all, in the period of Armageddon, global catharsis or the period of transition between a materialistic world to one infused with spiritual values.)
Firstly, you will not be where you are now if you don’t want to be there. If you are lonely, it is because you choose to be and do not have enough strength of will to get out of your situation and liberate yourself. There is nobody to blame for how you feel except yourself. You have to understand that the "Other" in your life–in your case, your married boyfriend with four children–continues to be there because you or something in you (perhaps your energy field) continues to attract him and keep him there.
We attract to ourselves relationships that help us come to know ourselves. We must realize that all relationships that come into our lives are spiritual messengers. The other person, our partner, acts as a mirror to reveal our personal strengths and weaknesses. From a spiritual perspective, all relationships we develop serve the purpose to help us become more conscious. Some relationships are more painful, harder to break away from. This is because learning about ourselves and facing our limitations are not things we would normally want to do. Our Higher Self (who wants us to grow spiritually) actually "sets us up" for such relationships, so in a way, we call all our relationships to us. Before any relationship happens, we actually generate energy fields that attract our lovers/partners to us because they have something to teach us.
As I said, there is something in your energy field that continues to keep him around you. You see, our body, emotions and mind, are plugged into relevant issues for our growth; or these can also be addictions. I say addiction because you say that you are not happy, yet you continue to "love" him. I don’t doubt your feelings for him, but maybe you have to reflect deeper whether that which you feel is really love. Your mind knows you cannot have him for yourself because he is married (and in your own words, "happily" so). Your emotions are not under your control since you cannot put your foot down whenever he comes back. Then, what is in control of you? You have given away your will and your emotions. You have given away your spirit. For what? In my opinion, it is for certain feelings that this man arouses in you (emotionally and sensory). So in other words, you love yourself more (without knowing it) since you like to continually feel the happiness, sensuality and excitement, which this man elicits in you. It is like eating ice cream when you have a cold, or continuing a slow-death of smoking. The mind knows it’s not good for you, but you continue to go for it because you have become addicted to the feelings or experiences that your affair with your married boyfriend gives you. It may be the strong sexual feelings and importance as a woman that he manages to arouse in you for a time. And sex is such a strong karmic binder that is one of the most difficult to break away from.
I think it may be a different story if you told me he was separated from his wife already, but you write that he is "happily married." Then obviously, you know where you stand. Now if you can take that, fine. If not, ship out. It is always difficult to break away because of the karmic ties we have with that "Other." And it is karmic precisely because we learn the lessons about ourselves painfully. But always we each have a choice. In life, we are not just passive spectators who should take everything in–but that a strong, free will is very important to have. We create the reality that is ours and we must be very conscious when we do this.
I suggest that you call your spirit back. How is this done? First, take a step back. It is important to do an honest reflection about your situation. Begin unplugging your energy circuits or your emotional or physical dependence from your boyfriend. Do you repeatedly go back to him because you are afraid of being alone in this world? But you are already alone now. He makes you happy? For a few hours perhaps. But can you take the roller-coaster ride of depressions and ecstasy, longing and forever longing? The fact of the situation is that he is tied to another with responsibility for four children. Your life is before you, in freedom and strength if you but choose it. What is the whole situation teaching you about yourself? Maybe you must learn to be more self-sufficient and bring forth your survival instinct. Maybe you are afraid to face the truth he really doesn’t love you even if he is attracted to you. Men will always try to get as far as they can for as long as the woman wants it. This is why this relationship is a valuable lesson for you. Unless you find in yourself the courage to face the truth about yourself and him, too, then changes cannot begin to happen. Calling back your spirit begins by honestly facing yourself. Then finding the will to make an intelligent, conscious choice. Then and only then can your reality begin changing towards where you choose to go–further into addiction – or toward freedom and liberation.