Imagine hearing your child blurt out, “ I want to throw my baby brother in the trash can. ”
Or how would you react if you catch your older child deliberately hugging or squeezing your new-born a tad too tight and the baby starts crying?
Don’t panic.
Such is the nature of sibling jealousy between an older child and the new baby.
When I was pregnant, I did everything to mentally and emotionally prepare my eldest for the coming of her baby brother. We would read together pregnancy books, and stories about babies. I would make her talk to the little one in my womb and feel the constant kicking of the baby in my tummy. I would bring her along during my ultrasound checkups. And I’d remind her frequently that she’d be an ate soon. She was excited. She looked forward to that day when she’d see her baby brother.
Then the baby came. And I thought I’d already prepared her enough for the baby’s arrival. But no, one can never be prepared enough. The coming of a new baby is a complex situation that a firstborn and the parents have to deal with. More so for a child five years old and below.
Whenever my five-year-old panganay would see me holding her baby brother for long periods of time, she’d say, “ You’re always hugging the baby” or “ Diyan na lang kayo sa baby brother ko…” . Then, she’d have her “drama queen” moments and sulk in one corner. What I’d do is summon her to come to me and give her a big hug and remind her how much I love her. I’d even tell her, “Remember you’re my No. 1. You’re my first baby. You’re my only princess.” And she would feel good right away and that would end her tampo.
We can’t help it. Our eldest was “the star” of our family for the last five years. She had us all to herself all this time — until the baby came. So the jealous feelings are normal.
One time, Julius was on Skype with my in-laws. They were all agog with their new apo. So thrilled were they that this made my daughter very jealous. I saw her face — that grumpy look. And she was doing everything to attract our attention… like restlessly walking back and forth and throwing a mild tantrum. What we did was to make her sing and dance for her Lolo and Lola via Skype. She performed with gusto, and this made her feel important and needed.
We make her realize how important her role is as the big sister. She is designated to help in changing the diapers. This is very big deal for her. She insists on carrying the baby but we explain to her that since the baby is still fragile, for now, she can only touch the baby… sort of giving her brother a mild baby massage. Later on, she will be allowed to carry the baby all by herself. Explaining to her like a mature individual would help.
When I am carrying the baby, she wants to be carried, too. This is where Daddy Julius comes in — he carries our heavy five-year-old daughter like a baby.
Whenever she’d see me breastfeeding her baby brother, she’d get jealous. So she’d also insist on being fed. And I allow her to experience it all over again. Funny what she said one time, “Mommy, I don’t like the taste!” Ha, ha, ha. What’s important is that I did not deprive her of the renewed breastfeeding experience. I believe this made her feel that she now has a shared experience with her baby brother but she holds the badge of honor of being the one I breastfed first.
My daughter would see the crib, carrier and baby bed she used as a baby, and she’d hop in and try to squeeze herself and keep saying, “ Crib ko ‘to eh. I will sleep here na lang…” Then she realizes that she can’t fit. At least, we allowed her to explore and make realizations on her own.
One time she put a toy on my head which quickly fell and hit the baby’s forehead which made the helpless baby cry. Naturally, I was surprised and half shocked because things happened so fast that I couldn’t help but raise my voice when I said, “ Oh NOOOO Antonia!!!”
She cried. She thought I was so angry at her. I quickly regained composure and hugged her tight and explained to her in a low, soft voice that I wasn’t blaming her for what happened and that she should just be careful next time.
I learned that parents should be careful not to put the blame on the older child especially if the unfortunate incidents were not intentional. Blaming will only heighten the feelings of insecurity.
The trick is to balance things. Discipline and teach your child to be responsible but also be generous with praise. Have time for the baby but never neglect the needs of your first child. Set aside some private bonding time — just you and your child.
Meanwhile, here are some helpful tips from Maribel Dionisio, founder of The Love Institute and columnist of Working Mom magazine.
1.) Orient your children for the coming of the new baby; 2.) After feeding, hand over the baby to the yaya or caregiver who will do the burping, and then turn your attention to your other children; 3.) Constantly remind your other children how much you love them.
Professor Bessie Rios, another parenting partner of mine, tells us why kids get jealous:
A.) They think they are being neglected because of the shared attention.
B.) They cannot identify their strength yet as compared with the newborn.
C.) Adults around the child may not be aware that they may cause the jealous feelings with their action:
— They give gifts or verbal praise to the baby more than the older child.
— They say comments that may raise insecurity:
“You are not the baby of the family anymore” and “You be the Kuya or Ate “ implies more responsibilities while the baby has none of these.
What to do (when the baby is born already. The following applies only to newborns until the baby is about a year old ) :
1. Brief the adults to extend attention to the older child.
2. Avoid comparing. “See, the baby has curly hair, you have straight hair” is a statement that may heighten insecurity.
3. Be alert to the emotion of the older child. Ask about feelings, desires, suggestions what he/she likes to see happen.
4. Get the older child interested/busy with some tasks like helping bathe the baby. If he/she is not ready, do not force the issue yet.
5. Allow the older kid to have his/her own initiative to do things for baby like drawing the baby’s features, reading to the baby, singing, etc.
6. Jealousy is normal. It will soon come to pass and their bonding as siblings will matter during these early months.
Prof. Bessie Rios is the author of the bestselling parenting book, Memo ni Mommy. She is the co-founder of the Center for Early Childhood Care and Development.
Note: Maribel Dionisio is also seen on ABS-CBN’s Umagang Kay Ganda every Wednesday. Love Institute gives helpful seminars on marriage and parenting. Attend the ABCs of Parenting talk series. Call 436-0710.
(Watch my parenting webshow. Log on to www.parentin.tv. E-mail me at t.bersola-babao@parentin.tv)