Diether Ocampo: If I were... - FUNFARE By Ricky Lo

Every now and then starting with this issue, Funfare will play a new kind of showbiz game called "If I Were" in which the star-player fancies himself/herself as an object, a place or something/somebody else with a corresponding explanation. It’s similar, in a way, to two other Funfare fun games, Playing Favorites and The Alphabet Game.

For a starter, let’s hear it from Diether Ocampo (who’s convalescing from recurrent gastritis – hello, Losec! – and benign polyps in his rectum).

"If I Were . . ."

* An Animal – "I’d be an eagle. I want to fly high; I’m a dreamer, I aim high. I want to soar! From up there, I want to watch people below."

* A Tree – "I’d be a Sikuya Tree. It’s huge, can grow up to a hundred feet high. It’s sturdy. I am high, remember, so I want to feel high, like a Sikuya Tree."

* A Song – "I’d be a timeless classic, like The Beatles’ Yesterday. I’ve learned a lot from my yesterday, like moving on and how to deal with problems squarely. But I don’t dwell on my yesterday; I always look forward to my tomorrow."

* A Flower – "I’d be a Tulip. Sentimental ang dating, e. Everybody is giving away roses, kaya Tulip na lang ako."

* A Dish – "I’d be pasta, even if it’s not a dish. Everybody loves to eat pasta, so I’d love to be eaten by everybody."

* A Car – "I’d be a Jaguar. It’s tough and powerful – and very classy. Very classic."

* A City – "I’d be San Francisco. I’ve been there twice and I love it! My kind of city."

* A Book – "I’d be a book of mystery; I want to baffle people, you know. Also, a book of scandals. Intriguing ang mga scandal, di ba?"

* A Weapon – "I’m anti-gun, so I’d rather be pepper-spray. It can incapacitate a person but not kill."

* Another Actor – "I’d be Marlon Brando. Brilliant! I have a collection of his movies. My favorite is A Streetcar Named Desire. Very raw."

* A Girl – "I’d be Natalie Portman. She’s not only pretty, she’s also smart. I read that she’s also a kind and nice person, coming from a good family."

* A Part of a Woman’s Body – "I’d be her eyes. ‘Yon ang unang tinitingnan ng mga lalaki di ba? And then, the butt."

* A Drink – "I’d be wine. It gets better with time, it mellows."

* A Perfume – "I’d be Kenzo. It’s subtle, especially the citrus scent, that’s why I use it everyday. Good for intimate moments."

* A TV Host – "I’d be Kris Aquino or Boy Abunda. Spontaneous sila, well-informed and they carry a show very well."

* A Politician – "I’d be (Cavite Gov.) Bong Revilla. Not only because he’s my kababayan but because he’s doing his best to improve Cavite and solve its problems. (Bong is the elder brother of RPN 9 newscaster Andrea Bautista, once romantically linked to Diether. – RFL)

* A Saint – "I’d be St. Bernard. When I joined fraternities, St. Bernard was our patron saint."

* A Hero – "I’d be Wolverine (of the X-Men). He has healing power. He touches the wound of a person and the wound is healed instantly."
* A Fruit – I’d be an apple. As they say, ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ It’s true. Try it."

And here are four more "ifs" (but no "buts," though):

* If you were to change any part of your body, what would it be?

"My feet. They’re too big. I’m size 11."

* If you were to marry now, what sort of woman would your future wife be?

"Somebody who would accept me for what I am, who can understand the kind of job that I have. Somebody who will be a good mother to my children."

* If you were to take home a woman, who would she be?

"Stella Warren, a popular model in the States. Must be exciting to spend one night with her."

* If you were Erap, what would you do?

"Let’s give him a break! Let’s wait for the proper court(s) to decide whether he’s guilty or not. If I were Erap, I’d hang on until Year 2004 when my term expires."