The Child and the agony of defeat

CEBU, Philippines - In every athletic contest there is always a winning squad enjoying the victory and a losing team bearing the agony of defeat. Both winners and losers experience a burst of emotions of different qualities and at different intensities.

Athletes differ a lot in their reactions to victory or defeat. The winner may feel ecstatic, confident, superior, as all eyes are on them being the stars for the day. The losers, however, especially those who can’t handle the defeat well, lose enthusiasm and would no longer give themselves the chance to try again. They end up low-spirited for days. They are likely to feel depressed, angry, cheated, frustrated, even disappointed with themselves. These powerful waves of emotions are felt not just by the players themselves, but also by their parents, the coaches, and their fans.

Young children still lack the life experience to take and comprehend defeat. For instance, a child only knows that he had just lost in a swimming contest for which he had been preparing for months, or missed a shot that could have won the game for his basketball team. It’s hard to let the losing child feel that there is always a “next time.” A mere lollipop or a movie ticket won’t lift his or her spirit.

The intensity of the emotions oftentimes depends on the personality of the child and his level of understanding of the situation. What do parents do when the child is in emotional pain due to a lost match? What would parents tell the losing child when he won’t play anymore? The Ramon Aboitiz Foundation Inc. (RAFI)-Dolores Aboitiz Children’s Fund, a leading advocate for children’s wellbeing, believes that during this formative phase of their life children’s feelings must be respected and accepted, for them to develop emotional maturity.

The following suggestions are meant to hopefully help children handle the agony of defeat, while at the same time teaching them important lessons from every hurtful experience. Hopefully, too, parents will take heed and try these ideas.

Empathize with the child’s pain.

CEBU, Philippines - The child’s pain shall be acknowledged. It is the job of parents (and of teachers) to comfort the little athlete with hugs, kisses, and empathetic expressions while he cries. It is not enough to tell him that he had played fair or a good game. Words shall be coupled with actions to help soothe the pain the child feels.

A supportive comment like, “I know you feel bad, but you can try again next season. Bet, you can win it!” is a good opening. Then it can be followed up with open-ended questions to stir up a conversation. If he is not yet ready to talk, it is enough to tap his shoulders signaling him that his efforts at the game are appreciated.

During these times, it is important for parents to put themselves in the child’s shoes. It is important for them to feel his feelings when things did not go as he planned. The child must be encouraged and allowed space to express his feelings. This is a crucial job that parents should do.

It does not help to blame the child or his teammates, or to get angry at him. The kid feels bad enough already; it is unkind to scrutinize him. Instead, he shall be supported all the way.

Congratulate the team’s effort.

It is good to point out positive inputs by the members of the team, and to convey that their efforts are appreciated. After all, games are never exciting if there are no losers, despite the players’ best efforts in the game.

“That was a tough game to lose, but your defense showed improvement. If you do a bit better for the next match, you will surely win!” “Keep working hard. I’m very proud of you.”

Words like those comfort everybody, including the coaches and other supporters of the team. For the child to hear it, he will feel that everybody has done a great job and still deserve recognition despite the defeat.

Instill important lessons.

Defeat is an experience to learn from. Talking to the child about what lessons he has learned after the game is a good way to ease up the pain of his loss. This is the time to also share with him the parents’ own experiences when they were at the child’s age, to relate to him their own defeats during their time at school or a task they had not met because they gave up too soon. (FREEMAN)