Yes and/or No

Anybody who’s ever cared for a two year old will agree that the toddler’s favorite word will most likely be, “No.” And for a good part of his two-year-old life that “no” will be whispered, screamed and sobbed at the most inopportune times. But we are not to worry. Psychologists tell us that this is normal toddler behavior as he begins testing his limits. And more importantly, that with a lot of patience and love and some disciplining, one’s child will quickly outgrow it.

True enough. The toddler does find out that there are better words than “no” and better ways to communicate than crying or having a tantrum. He’ll eventually learn to follow instructions and school will help him see that the world is filled with boundaries in one form or another. And perhaps the deep desire to keep saying “no” to everything remains dormant until… oh about… mid-adolescence.

By then, “no” will take on many forms, both blatant and hidden. But the rebellious years of adolescence pass too and then, the young adult realizes that there are just certain things that have to be done, whether we like it or not. And that nobody really likes a person who says “no” all the time. And so, young adults, with their fragile egos and desire to be accepted by their peers, learn, little by little, to keep saying “yes” and nothing but “yes.”

Filipinos have a culture of wanting to say “yes” all the time. We must admit that the reason we’re one of the major exporters of human resources especially for service-oriented jobs is that we’re really nice people. We take on jobs that others don’t want or can’t be bothered to do.  And while there is nothing wrong with wanting to serve or going the extra mile or never complaining, there is something wrong with being afraid to say “no,” even when the need calls for it.

Most of us have grown up in a culture finding it difficult to say “no”—whether it was to an elder, a superior at work, or even a good friend.  They won’t like us anymore, we worry. They’ll think I’m too selfish, we reason. But how can I say no when no one else around me complains, we berate ourselves.

And yet, looking back on my adult life, I realize that learning to say “no” to others was one of the hallmarks of maturity. It was only when I was no longer afraid to disappoint others or overburdened by having to meet everyone’s expectations all the time, that I began to see that I had really grown up.  Certainly, there are many things we should say yes to. And certainly, there are many situations when we should grin and bear it and plod through whatever we should. But there are other times too, when we really shouldn’t.

Now I know it is perfectly alright to say no, even to my bosses, when I have discerned that the path they wish me to take is not necessarily the one which will lead us to the best choice. It is perfectly alright to say that I cannot accept work at a particular moment because I have too much on my hands. It is perfectly alright to say, I really should not be going to work because I’m sick. It is perfectly alright not to accept someone else volunteering for me because I never gave her permission to do so in the first place. It is perfectly alright not to accept work passed on to me simply because someone else is too lazy to do it for himself. It is perfectly alright to say no to my students and have them think badly of me for the moment if I know it is good for them in the long run.

Saying no does not necessarily mean that we become less caring, less loving, less patient, less sacrificing, less humane persons. It just means we’re saying no to something now. And opening ourselves to saying yes to something we hope is better in the future.