A Solitary Date in the Grave

CEBU, Philippines - I'm in the cemetery. I'm sitting on top of someone's grave. Writing under the horrifying figure of the moon, flickering light – I'm so excited, I can't wait until the light ends its life. The wind's cold voice whispered something on my warm skin. Now, my knees tremble with excitement and fear. Is this how it feels to be here? Being in the cemetery – sitting on top of someone's grave?

Cold sweat drops from my live skin as I take a look at the names of those people whose lives. Even though I don't know how their life was like -how they lived and how they died. I feel close to them, somehow. The thought freezes each heartbeat of mine. It's as if I'm right beside them inside their coffin – that is, if both of us will fit inside.

Everytime I turn my head, there is some weird feeling –and a thought that keeps on telling me"something's out there" and I don't know what it is. Whether I know it or not -it's there.

At first it is a bit scary and weird. But then, I suddenly feel the peacefulness that these dead people's graves around bring. Their lifelong questions are maybe answered by death, or it has brought an end to their questioning? Do we feel peaceful when we die? I guess not, it's just that we feel nothing. It's numbness, and not peace. Do we go to heaven? Or hell? Or nothing?

The darkness keeps on dragging the lights down. Panic fills my throat as sudden sounds pop out of nowhere. The wind seems to be whispering some words in my ears. Though the moon looks horrifying, it still looks beautiful from here. The moon is a witness to whatever happens to me during this night. So much for the poetic crap -let's get down to business.

Right here, sitting on top of the grave, writing my feelings -my awareness – in a notebook. I wish I had a cigar. I'm so bored. Then, all of a sudden, a thought comes up from my fantasies: I could be easily one of these dead individuals around me. Years from now, I will die. Or even moments from now, I can die. The only thing imminent in life is … death. Does that thought scare you? … I screamed … stupid cockroach just landed on my head. The insect may be also feeling scared. Well, that's enough to pump me up.

Though it's inevitable, I'm so afraid of dying. I hope there's a better way other than a bitter death. I guess, it just can't be helped. Death is the twin brother of life. They are both bitter, life is less bitter – I think.

Death could either answer all our questions or put an end to that lifelong habit. A bitter way. Another horrible truth – get used to it. After death, would we become what we were before our birth?

Some say that death is a debt we must pay. Some also say that death is a reward for living a miserable life. We all live, we all have our struggles, we all die. Every beginning has a end. Sad to say, needless to say, we all have the same fate "to live and to die". It's a cycle. The balance of nature. How overpopulated would the world be if all those who died were brought back to life. Many people deserve to die but most of them are living. Many people deserved to live but most of them are dead. Irony at its finest.

If you wanna see God, then die. People get closer to God the moment they feel that it's getting harder to breathe. It's not that I don't want to see God. I want to see God in me first. I serve earth, not heaven.

And most of all, I'm am not that old to die. My time will come. And when that time comes, just like a song, I will embrace it with open arms. Death awaits, but death won't wait. I hope death will wait long enough. But reality is. … The moment one is born, one is already old enough to die. The truth ... but no one want's that reality.

Death is not patient. Death is not kind. I'm not just going to die without living – without a fight. Life's not over till it's over.

And by the way, life is a journey wherein no one ever reaches the finish line alive.  (FREEMAN)