The Four F’s for avoiding hurt

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s : fight, flight, fake and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run, they are all counterproductive. Let’s explore each of these positions.

1. Fight. This stance definitely comes from men. When a conversation becomes unloving and nonsupportive, some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is “the best defense is a strong offense.” They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing and making their partner look wrong. They need to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth, they have lost. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fail in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually, they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.

2. Flight. This stance also come from men. To avoid confrontation, men may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion. These men are afraid of confrontation and would rather life low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don’t even realize how much they do it. Rather than arguing,some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.

3. Fake. This stance comes from the women. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation, this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love. They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything “all right, ok, and fine.” Men commonly use these phrases, but for them something completely different. He means “It is ok because I am dealing with this alone” Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument.

4. Fold. This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves. Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves too much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process, they literally give up who they are.

You may have found yourself in one of these four f’s or in many of them. People commonly move from one to other. In each of the above four strategies, our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again.