Counterflow, mutant powers and all that crap

Just the other day, a team from Goodyear Philippines came to see me to interview me and find out my thoughts on the "skill level" of the Filipino driver as fodder for their "Bayani ng Kalsada" campaign. Through the course of the interview, I realized that I do have the utmost respect for the average Filipino driver’s adeptness behind the wheel. Unfortunately, I also have almost nothing positive to say about his attitude and state of mind when on the road. Does he have skills? Absolutely! Does he get to use those skills with the right frame of mind? Absolutely not! As I was spewing all the less than flattering adjectives upon my fellow Filipino drivers, I thought I’d imagine a scenario where Goodyear could actually find the "bayani ng kalsada" (highway heroes) that they were in search for. Then the world just turned dark.

Prior to the interview, you see, a whole slew of Filipino drivers pissed the crap out of me by contributing to an already horrendous traffic situation. How? By doing what comes naturally, of course. Filipino drivers, when faced with a traffic jam, automatically swerve to the next open lane (which more often than not happens to be the lane of the other folk coming from the opposite direction). Now, it doesn’t take a genius to conclude that once you do this, you’ll end up doing two things. First, you’ll clog the incoming lane with vehicles going in the wrong direction. Next, you’ll create a bottleneck at the intersection where the traffic jam started in the first place, thereby creating an even worse situation for all involved. So what’s the point of worsening things for one’s self? Go figure. All I know is that Filipinos seem to have mastered the art of worsening things for themselves — be it on the road or elsewhere.

Actually, we also have the uncanny ability to feign ignorance of even the most basic of traffic laws. Take the case of the traffic light. Mostly, we still follow them when there are cops around. The moment we lose sight of the traffic enforcers, however, selective memory seems to creep in. We actually forget that a red light indicates our need to stop, for example. Some mutant Filipino drivers from hell actually even have the gall to get mad at those of us who do stop whenever we see a red light. I know. I’ve taken in my share of dirty fingers and profanity from such nitwits. I console myself with the fact that the people who do such ridiculous things seem much less happy with their lives. Okay, tanga na ako kasi tumigil ako sa pula. Hindi naman ako kasing-lungkot mo. (Okay, I may be stupid for stopping at a red light. But at least I don’t seem to live as lonely a life as you do.)

Ah heck, while we’re at it, why don’t we make a list of the dumbest illnesses some Filipino road users seem to be afflicted with? There’s the "how the heck do I use a U-turn anyway" syndrome. People, it doesn’t take more than four lanes to execute a proper U-turn. Those who regularly ply the Quezon Avenue route know what I speak of. That’s because on a daily basis they are subjected to the woeful inability of many of our co-motorists to make a proper U-turn. And don’t anyone get me started on the fact that those pitiful excuses for roadworthy vehicles called jeepneys have tiny turning radii. If the vehicles are not equipped to make proper U-turns, then they have no business even being on roads that are supposed to be made for vehicles with such a basic mechanical ability.

There are also quite a number of Filipino drivers who actually have no idea what those little mirrors at the corner of their vehicles’ A-pillars are there for. It’s quite common to see such drivers swerving nonchalantly on our roads. For them, side mirrors seem to be nothing more than necessary add-ons, as the darn things are actually only barely used. It gets doubly irritating, too, when these drivers are on board gargantuan buses along EDSA. Oh, what I’d do to keep them off that route!

But wait! Most Filipinos are also gifted with such useful on-road abilities — especially pedestrians. I say so because I know for a fact that Filipinos are descendants of the Magneto bloodline. Magneto, for the uninformed, is the ultra-powerful mutant master of magnetism. His physiology is intrinsically intertwined with the earth’s magnetic core. As such, he has the ability to manipulate the magnetic forces around him. Basically, nothing made of metal can harm him. With the wave of his hand, cars screech to a halt. You’ve seen Pinoy pedestrians doing the same thing, right? Filipinos can actually stop cars on their tracks by simply waving their hands! Darn, we’re so blessed!

Magneto’s son, Quicksilver, meanwhile, is blessed with superhuman speed — something apparently this family has also passed on to the Filipino pedestrian. Check out C-5 to confirm this claim of mine. You’ll see common folk out-racing cars doing at least 80 kilometers per hour. I mean highways, dude. I can take people crossing busy, narrow streets with ease, but highways? That’s like, four lanes in four seconds — while dodging some pretty fast moving obstacles! Did I already say we’re so blessed?

Seriously, though. We ought to be ashamed of the way we use our roads — both as drivers and as pedestrians. I know for a fact that I am. But, as it is also fact that I am Filipino, I still cling on to every iota of hope that I see in the horizon. Goodyear’s Bayani ng Kalsada campaign might have seemed like an exercise in futility when I first heard of it. But at least there is a concrete effort to find the good in however few good drivers we have out there. If the handful of deserving drivers who’ll come out of the search live up to the title that will eventually be conferred upon them, then I’ll only be too happy to have that handful debunk all my arguments against the Filipino road user. Because if no one shows up to disprove me, then we all better get used to the crap we throw at each other on our roads.

Here are some of your comments from last week…

Why do they allow buses to make U-turns at the intersection of NAIA Road and Tramo? There’s a big no U-turn sign there and a bunch of traffic enforcers just watching on the side. — 09178340755

There’s a traffic light along Governor’s Drive to Carmona that immediately turns from yellow to red. Kotong cops are waiting at the intersection. — 09165885780

What are the LTO and the MMDA doing about cars using heavily tinted plate covers? Please try to address this problem ASAP. Thanks. — 09197476044

Private citizens running around with car plates covered up. Ha! Who’s in charge here? We are the laughing stock of other nationals. — 09219085555

Haven’t you noticed that the days of "BF Bashing" are over? It’s because action — not talk — gets the job done. May the Chairman’s tribe increase! — 09159956370

Speak out, be heard and keep those text messages coming in. To say your piece and become a "Backseat Driver", text PHILSTAR<space>FB<space>MOTORING <space>YOUR MESSAGE and send to 2840 if you’re a Globe or Touch Mobile subscriber or 334 if you’re a Smart or Talk ’n Text subscriber or 2840 if you’re a Sun Cellular subscriber. Please keep your messages down to a manageable 160 characters. You may send a series of comments using the same parameters.