Simon sez (or more specifically, what would Simon Cowell say)

Well, American Idol has wrapped up for this season but if there’s one thing still ringing more loudly than the lilting singing of finalist Katharine McPhee or the soulful crooning of eventual winner Taylor Hicks, it’s the brutally harsh words of AI judge Simon Cowell.

Even Simon’s detractors have to admit that AI wouldn’t be what it is without Cowell’s trademark put-downs. Here are a few of his gems which he let out after listening to the auditions:

Simon: You’re the worst singer in America.

Male contestant: It’s my first time to audition…

Simon: I’m not surprised, but it should be your last.

And this one:

Male contestant (addressing the judges): I want you guys to recreate me…

Simon: This is a pen, not a magic wand. You have to start with a modicum of talent!

And this one:

Simon: When you entered this competition, did you really believe that you can become the American Idol?

Male contestant: Yes, sir!

Simon: Well, then you’re deaf.

Here’s one killer of a one-liner:

Simon: There are only so many words that I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was.

And my all-time favorite:

Simon: Are you taking singing lessons?

Female contestant: Very few…

Simon: Who’s your teacher?

Female contestant: There’s this lady up in Montana…

Simon: Do you have a lawyer?

Contestant: No, I don’t have a lawyer.

Simon: Get a lawyer and sue her.

With those kinds of comments, it’s no wonder tens of millions of viewers (in the U.S. alone) are glued to their sets to see what kind of singer could stand up to Simon Cowell and his confidence-busting words.

Now let’s imagine if Simon Cowell became an FIA judge for the Formula One races. What would Simon say to the drivers and teams?

To Fernando Alonso: You’ve got a great, reliable car. Your driving skills are second to none. But how, for the life of me, could you live with that kind of hair?

To David Coulthard: David, I know you’re single and don’t have kids. But for heaven’s sake, hang up your helmet and let maybe your nephews drive for a change!

To Michael Schumacher: Nine years from that time you purposely collided with Jacques Villeneuve to keep him from winning the ’97 title isn’t enough for us to forget that stalled car stunt you pulled in qualifying in Monaco last Saturday.

To Kimi Raikkonen: I have to pity you, dear boy. All that talent and they can’t keep their pistons from blowing holes in their engines…

To Rubens Barrichello: You always said it was team orders that kept you from beating Schumi when you were at Ferrari. I reckon it’s team orders now that’s keeping you from beating Jenson…

To Jenson Button: All of Britain loves you, Jense. But if you can give more focus on your racing than on your groupies, you might actually start winning races!

To Juan Pablo Montoya (and Giancarlo Fisichella): Have you ever heard of the word "consistency?" Well that’s what you need if you ever plan to win the championship.

To Sir Frank Williams and Patrick Head of the Williams team: Considering how many champions you’ve sacked (Nigel Mansell, Damon Hill) because you firmly believed that it was your cars that won the titles and not the drivers, perhaps you might want to ante up for Alonso or Schumi just so you could fire them too. That’s right, give Donald Trump a run for his reality TV show money!

To Mark Webber: Hang in there, mate! You’re not a champion yet so Frank’s not gonna fire you anytime soon — even if young Nico seems to have your number…

How’s that for AI meets F1? Well, Simon Cowell makes for much more entertaining news than Bernie, Max and the rest of the team principals put together. And he‘s British, too, just like most of them.

But on a more serious note, I return to Michael Schumacher’s aforementioned Monaco qualifying antics. Viewing it live on TV, I couldn’t see exactly how the German master (who has conquered Monaco more times than his rivals care to remember) could lose it at such a straightforward corner when he wasn’t even going flat out.

Schumacher was sent to the back of the grid after race stewards determined that he had deliberately staged an incident at the end of the top-10 shootout to protect his pole-winning time. The German said after Sunday’s race that he regretted the fact that Alonso’s lap had been compromised, while again dismissing suggestions of foul play.

"I can only apologise that it happened, but it was not my intention," Schumacher was quoted as saying by autosport.com.

"I did not know where Alonso was at this point — I did not have radio contact to say exactly where he was."

Schumacher admitted that the incident looked "quite strange from the outside" but insisted there was a genuine explanation for it.

Schumacher’s pleas of innocence were met with derision by a number of his fellow drivers, including Jacques Villeneuve, Juan Pablo Montoya, Kimi Raikkonen and Jarno Trulli.

Personally, I’ve seen enough of Michael’s worst to permanently cloud his best. He swerved deliberately to take out Villeneuve in ’97. His points for that whole year were disallowed. But what about when he braked hard to cause a young Mika Hakkinen to crash into him in the title-deciding 1990 Formula 3 race in Macau, leaving the Finn to cry inconsolably on the track as Schumacher limped his car to victory?

And what about when he crashed into Damon Hill in yet another title-deciding F1 race in 1994? Hill, in his much faster Williams, was reeling in Schumacher hand over foot when the German, driving a Benetton, glanced off a concrete wall breaking his car’s suspension. Schumacher then started weaving his car erratically and managed to collect the Briton as the Williams passed by. Result? Both drivers DNF’d and Schumacher clinched the title. Again, the German was given the benefit of the doubt.

Michael Schumacher is the greatest race car driver of all time. And I admire him for that. He can win with an inferior car. His ultimate speed in qualifying is almost supernatural; as is his way of shaving off lap times when a key rival pits to allow him to pass the other driver when he (Schumacher) comes out from his own stop.

But I can’t help feeling a bad taste in my mouth whenever I recall those nasty incidents.

Which is why I can’t help but seem like Simon Cowell when I say, "Michael, you’ve won more titles than any other driver — living or dead. You’ve won more races. You’ve won more pole positions. You’ve earned more money than any of them. Now why the heck do you still feel the uncontrollable urge to cheat just to win another race and in the process cloud everything that you have done?"

Why, indeed, Michael?

Now that’s the kind of reaction column we’re talking about! Intelligent debate we have spawned! While most of you agreed with me (some even pushed the envelope a bit further — implicating other sectors in the second hand crap brouhaha), there were others who didn’t (one even went so far as to practically accuse me of corruption!). Still, the bottom line is that we’ve expressed our opinions on the matter, as true Backseat Drivers ought to. Here are some of the juicier responses (yes, including that one that alluded to my "shady motives"). — Ed.

You’re right. Our country has become a dumping ground for these industrialized countries. It’s not just the right hand vehicles but also those running coffins (second hand buses) mostly from Japan. These contraptions greatly endanger the ones riding in them. It is high time that we stop accepting junks, rejects, discards of other countries. — 09209274135

I fully support you, Dong! Bravest column of Backseat Driver ever! If I were a cat, I’d also throw you my 8 spare lives for support! No to crap on road! — 09189005665

Had there been a ban on second hand imports from day one, the public wouldn’t have had a choice. Blame the government for this. — 09182912755

Dong, in your column you sound like a trapo. Whoever gives you the perks, you justify. Tsk. Tsk. — 09176636703

Why stop converted imports? What about manufactured jeepneys? 24 seater jeepneys? Oh come on! — 09184129789

Filipinos are still more image conscious than practical. They would rather suffer the inconvenience (of a second hand converted purchase) as long as they get the adulation. — 09178111712

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