Regrets and lessons

If life came with an “undo” button, we’d all be professional time travelers or masters of awkward apology tours. But since it doesn’t, we’re left with decisions, consequences and that little tag-along called regret.

So, how do we make decisions that we’re less likely to regret – especially when things go sideways?

Professors from Cornell University investigated this question in depth, and their research offers more than academic curiosity. It delivers practical insight with a side of uncomfortable truth.

In a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers Sunita Sah and Kaitlin Woolley conducted a series of experiments (four online, one in-person) in which people were asked to make choices designed rather intentionally to be bad. Think of it as the Hunger Games of decision-making – but with less blood and more psychology.

One scenario involved choosing between two lotteries. Some participants received advice that nudged them toward the less rewarding option, which meant lower odds and smaller prizes. After the inevitable loss, those who followed the lousy advice felt worse than those who made the same poor choice.

Now, this is fascinating. Because, logically, sharing the blame with an adviser would soften the emotional blow. But it turns out we beat ourselves up even more when we ignore our better judgment in favor of someone else’s.

Sah said, “people often assume that following someone else’s suggestion will shield them from responsibility or regret. But in reality, the opposite happens.”

You know what that means? Sometimes, “I told you so” isn’t nearly as painful as “I told myself so”– and still didn’t listen.

So, should we ignore all advice and go with our gut?

Not exactly. But we can apply a three-question filter the next time we’re faced with a decision that feels like it could boomerang back at us:

1. Do I have enough expertise to trust my gut?

If you’re a chef, you shouldn’t second-guess yourself regarding seasoning. But if your instinct says “go all in” on cryptocurrency based on a TikTok video, you may pause and rethink your gut’s credentials.

As for me, I wouldn’t trust myself to fix a car engine, but I might have a word to say about business and leadership.

2. Is this person giving advice that is qualified and invested?

It’s one thing to ask your barista for coffee recommendations; quite another to ask them for marriage advice.

Good advisers don’t just spout opinions – they ask questions, understand your situation, and care about your outcome.

If they skip straight to “You should just…” beware! That’s not guidance, that’s guesswork.

3. Is this decision even worth the stress?

Not every choice is life-altering. Choosing the wrong flavor of ice cream shouldn’t spiral into an existential crisis.

The Cornell researchers remind us that low-stakes decisions deserve low-stakes reactions.

Sometimes, “Oh well” is a perfectly acceptable outcome.

One of my favorite quotes says:

“If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not making decisions.”

And if you’re making decisions, expect at least a few bad ones. Just make sure they’re yours to own.

This brings us to the punchline: taking bad advice feels worse because we handed over the steering wheel when we knew better. Ignoring our intuition has a unique sting.

Maybe it’s because we betrayed our inner compass, or perhaps it’s because we have no one else to blame but the mirror.

Author and poet Erica Jong says:

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

So, the next time you’re torn between advice and instinct, remember that fewer regrets come not from always being right – but from knowing why you made your choice.

And if you must regret something, make sure it’s something you chose – not what someone else chose for you.

Because nothing hurts quite like this phrase echoing in your head: “I knew it!”

And here is a final thought:

Decide wisely. Regret less.

And if all else fails, write a column about it.

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Francis Kong’s “Inspiring Excellence” podcast is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms. And stay tuned for the launch of Francis Kong’s new YouTube and podcast channel “Kongversations,” where sharp minds meet smart talk; one meaningful conversation at a time.