What do you do?

“How are you?” We get that all the time, don’t we? What is our standard response? “I’m good, good, and you?” Then, eventually, somebody would ask, “Tell me now, what do you do?”

Hmmm. Suppose you spice up your response when asked. “Hi, how are you?” And your response would be: “Overworked and underpaid.” “Under renovation.” My response would frequently be: “I am better than I deserve and what about you?”

It has been said, “You never get a second chance to create a first impression.” This is so true.

I meet hundreds of people every week. Sometimes, I meet thousands of people if I were to give a seminar or a speech to a large audience. I meet people all the time. This is a fringe benefit I enjoy. I get to know people from all walks of life. From executives to teachers, students to professionals, and high-powered business honchos to high-powered politicians, I don’t rub elbows with celebrities; I shake their hands. And then, eventually, I find myself making a crucial error. When curiosity gets the better of me, I would ask: “So tell me, what do you do?”

Do you know why this is wrong? This reveals to me the lack of sensitivity.

I have seen people squirm when I ask this question. A lady might say: “Oh, not much. I am just a plain housewife.” Another would say: “I’m in-between jobs.” I have met another who said, “I have just been let go in my company.”

In my curiosity to measure the person by what he or she does, I have missed the more important mission of communicating that a man or woman is far more than his or her job. We seem to be in this “measuring business” all the time.

A businessman asks: “So, how many employees do you have?” A minister may ask, “How big is your congregation?” And the measurement continues.

The direct inquiry can evoke discomfort as companies start to retrench people and businesses close because of the sticky inflation and high-interest rate scenario. The job question is not just unpleasant for those who are “in between jobs.” Some people do not like to be asked, “And what do you do?” 

Many talented and accomplished women have opted to dedicate themselves to motherhood. When faced with insensitive corporate interrogation, they experience guilt. Perhaps this would invoke some to respond, “I am just a plain housewife.” This intrusive questioning undermines their commitment to their families. Regardless of their response, they fear being perceived as merely a “housewife.” There is no diminishment in being a housewife.

Refraining from asking, “What do you do?” carries a disarming effect. It demonstrates genuine appreciation for individuals, devoid of any crass networking agenda. 

A true mark of esteem is the absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You ascertain this naturally, without resorting to those four loaded words that brand you as either a relentless networker, a social climber, a fortune-hunting spouse-seeker, or someone unfamiliar with life’s challenges).

So, how can you inquire about someone’s occupation? (I’m glad you asked). Simply employ the following four words: “What keeps you busy?” You may creatively ask, “How do you spend most of your time?” 

These questions serve as a gracious way to relieve a surgeon, a tax auditor, or a displaced worker from undue pressure. It reaffirms a mother’s noble decision. It communicates to a spiritual individual that their inner virtues are valued. It subtly suggests to a prosperous individual that you appreciate life’s comforts.

So now you know. I don’t ask, “What do you do?” anymore. I may ask: “So, what’s keeping you busy these days?”

If they like to converse, they will dump you with many details. If they don’t, they’ll give a one-word answer: “What’s keeping you busy?” “Everything,” or a shrug of a shoulder. So now you know, leave some space. No matter what one does, that person is still the object of God’s love, so don’t reduce them to what they do.

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)