The comparison game

“Keeping Up with the Joneses” is derived from a famous comic strip in newspapers from 1913 to 1914 featuring a family named Jones. Over the years, the term has evolved into an idiomatic expression that refers to the tendency for people to compare themselves to their neighbors or peers and to try to maintain a similar or superior level of material possessions, status or appearance. It can also represent the tendency to spend beyond one’s means to support a specific image or lifestyle, leading to financial problems.

This prompts quotes and quips like:

Why did the Joneses go bankrupt? Because they were trying to keep up with the Smiths!

I used to try and keep up with the Joneses, but then I realized they were only keeping up with the Kardashians.

I used to try to keep up with the Joneses, but they were always one step ahead. So now I try to keep up with my bills.

We are in an environment of comparison. How did we do in school against our classmates or relatives? What kind of job did you land in contrast to schoolmates? How much money does this person make compared to what I make? Although we may sometimes use comparisons to drive self-improvement and self-motivation, comparing ourselves against others has a negative effect, especially for those with low confidence and a sense of security. Comparisons often make us feel insufficient in many ways, making us feel bad about ourselves, so it does not make sense. Here are the reasons why:

1. Each person is unique, and there is no one else exactly like you.

Your family background, environment, your life experiences are different. How can you compare yourself to someone when they may have a repertoire of strengths and weaknesses different from yours? Talk about comparing apples and oranges.

2. Each person has different stages in life and career.

A famous quote credited to anonymity says: “Don’t compare your Chapter One to someone else’s Chapter Twenty.” Comparing yourself to somebody’s stage in life is inaccurate. You may just be starting in your career, while somebody may have years of experience and started ahead of you. You may be comparing yourself with the opulence of your neighbors when their parents left them a rich inheritance, and you had to start everything by yourself.

3. Each person has different access to resources.

If you want to be a concert pianist and your parents are wealthy and established musicians, they may have the resources to have you study in Europe or pay for your education should you get admitted to Juilliard. You have an advantage over someone born into a financially challenged family even though they have experience in music.

Playing the comparison game is an exercise in futility, so what should we do? Since you love the comparison game, then why not compare yourself to yourself? Make sure you are constantly learning, developing, progressing, and because you are not fixated and obsessed with comparing yourself to others. This way, you become focused. As your skills and competence increase, your motivation rises, and you become more excited about life because of what you can do and the new things you can learn.

Here is the reality that life can offer: No matter how hard you try to be better than others as you fixate on comparing yourself to them, there will always be someone better, richer, more intelligent, or someone with a smaller waistline and tighter skin and the more you compare yourself to them you will only be frustrated. So what’s the point?

Comparisons kill. No matter how successful you are, someone will always be more successful. No matter how big your business gets, there will always be a bigger business. What if others are more successful? Then celebrate their success and use it as inspiration (not jealousy or envy) to improve and become better.

The Japanese monk, Ogui (Sensei), said, “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it; it just blooms.” The best way to deal with this is to consider that others are better than you. This way, we become perpetual students of life, and we indeed get better. So stop comparing and start being grateful. Be your unique self. And as someone wisely said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)