5 Love Languages: Asian version

I was invited to give a talk on parenting last week. The topic assigned to me was to expound and share my views and opinions on Gary Chapman’s seminal book called “The 5 Love Languages.”

I know the content of the book very well and it has helped me understand and improve my leadership handle toward my family members. I have actually seen how it can be applied in the work place, as well.

Leadership begins at home. This is why I still give parenting talks. There was a time when I would do this when schools invite me to. But today, I have seen the need to bring this even to the work place. This is a pro-bono endeavor that I have done for years and I still am doing this today with the only premise that I have a date availability that is free from my corporate training obligations.

However, the invitation given me last week has very little context attached to it. It would be a gathering of dads and their Grade 8 daughters in their school activity and the dynamics would be different had it been a “purely parents” audience that I normally do. And so, there is a little bit more work needed in my lesson preparation so as to provide relevance for the occasion.

This is when I remember a material featured in Sam Louie’s web site entitled: “The 5 Asian Love Languages.” His blog site indicates that he is a therapist in Seattle who specializes in multi-cultural issues and other things. I am not sure whether he authored this or merely featured it, but the material makes me laugh a lot as I see myself and perhaps, a lot of my friends with Asian heritage especially the ‘Tsinoys’ reflected in this. It would be good to understand ourselves and figure out a better way to lead our family better.

While Gary Chapman’s book talk about the different love languages summarized into these are:

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Acts of Service

This Asian version of the 5 love language comes in the following form and a little bit of an illustration to explain it:

1) Words of Affirmation = Lecturing.

“Ma…I buy you gift!”

“Why spend money?”

Kids need to be praised for who they are. They need to be empowered to trust their instincts. Instead, many Asian parents simply lecture their kids and treat them as non-entities.

2) Quality Time = No time to play. You play piano.

In the more traditional Asian family, play is usually non-existent. Parents are too busy working and trying to make more money.  There was no such thing as leisure time to “play” like a white family going skiing, hiking, or camping.

3) Physical Touch = You get B+? You get spanking.

Hugs, kisses, and physical signs of affection are scarce. I can only remember vague memories of my dad holding my mom’s hand. I’ve never seen them kiss each other. Consequently, it’s almost taboo for Asian parents to display physical affection to their kids.

4) Acts of Service = You have enough to eat? Here, you eat more.

This is the one love language that most Asian parents think overrides the need for everything else. If they feed you, clothe you, and put a roof over your head, they believe they’ve done their job. Rarely, will they recognize the need for emotional nurturing and oftentimes are dismissive and critical of Americans’ desires to give attention and time to their kids. 

5) Gifts = I pay for your tuition. I make you food. What more do you want?

Gift-giving is also big in the Asian culture. If they give you money, buy you things, then they believe that should suffice for caring for you. Why should they need to empathize or try and understand your point of view when they can just buy their way out of emotional entanglements?

And then of course the waiver on this that says:

“This is not meant to be taken literally.  It’s a satirical, tongue-in-cheek commentary.”

Funny, but true to a certain degree, wouldn’t you say so?

I hear parents say, “What are you complaining about? Have I not given you everything you need?” This is akin to managers in the work place saying, “As long as you deliver, you are getting paid for it, aren’t you?

And then good people leave and they say, “I can’t get along with my boss and he or she never appreciates me.” Does this not resonate with many children’s complaints about their parents not “really loving” them?

Parenting skills are soft skills and this makes a lot of hard-nosed, traditional and conventional parents uncomfortable. Yet they are necessary skills for raising kids. Soft skills in the work place have never been given this much importance than today in a world of hyper-change triggered people driven by technology. Maybe they are not so “soft” now as evidenced by an increasing demand for such trainings my office receives on a daily basis. Now, people no longer wonder why I would incorporate principles like these even in my leadership trainings. It begins at home.

(Experience two inspiring days of leadership training with Francis Kong in his highly-acclaimed Level Up Leadership seminar-workshop on Feb. 19-20 at the Makati Diamond Residences near Greenbelt 1. For registration or inquiries contact April at +63928-559-1798 or register online at www.levelupleadership.ph)