Dating rules

I am many things; I am a businessman, a communicator, a trainer, a writer and to top it off, a speaker. But apart from these different roles, I am first of all, a husband to my wife and a father to my children.

I have daughters, two daughters. I remember when boys would chase them. Oh, just imagine my frustration towards all the boys that would troop in our house just to see them. I remember how protective I felt because my girls are growing up.

And you know what? I can’t help but remember this funny article from way back.

This material that I want to share with you came from a popular joke list site in the Internet; it’s about a father’s sentiment regarding young men trying to court his daughter.

Here it goes.

When I was in high school, I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who, I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-natured murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:  I’m sure you have been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate:  when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.  I’d be embarrassed too—but for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of them that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them.

And so there you have it, great and funny dating rules for fathers.

Please do not take this literally, it is meant to be funny. But then again, on a more serious note, with all the young girls in danger of messing up their lives, it is high time that maybe, just maybe, we should consider these rules.

(Spend two inspiring days with Francis Kong learning leadership and life skills as he presents Level Up Leadership on June 24-25 at the EDSA Shangri-La Hotel. For further inquiries contact Inspire at 09158055910 or call 632-6310912 for details.)