Redefining success

What is success to you? Have you ever taken the time to think about this?

There are so many success seminars all over the place. Some are just plain chicanery; others are mere mimicry of what motivational speakers have said and written over the years, and don’t offer solid principles that can help people live life to the full.

In my parenting and leadership workshops, I ask participants to define what success means to them. A long silence would permeate the room as participants are directed to do some serious thinking and introspection. Some would say, “Success for me means getting promoted and securing the position I desire.” Another would say, “Success for me is to be able to make money and live comfortably for the rest of my life.” Most of my participants would say, “Success for me is when I see my family successful.”

“Good. Now that’s a good start,” I would say. I will then shift to another question to further direct their thinking: “If you want your family to be successful, then what is it that you want for your children?”

“I want to provide them with good education.”

“I want them to have a business of their own.”

“I want my children to have stable jobs and to rise up in the career ladder working for a very successful company.”

We have different perspectives on success and different ways of achieving it.

I remember listening to a business speaker say, “If you ask American parents what they want for their children, the typical response would be, ‘I want my children to be happy.’ In most Asian countries, when you ask parents what they want for their children, a most typical response would be, ‘I want my children to be successful.’”

I guess for most people I know, success means to see their kids achieve, produce and secure for themselves a better future. There’s nothing wrong with this kind of success. It’s a noble goal. But sometimes, the wrong lies in the way this goal is pursued.

Last week, my youngest daughter was weeping when she got home from school. She was weeping because her friend in school committed suicide. The boy would’ve graduated from college this coming June, but he jumped from atop their school building. Sadness gripped my heart. As a parent, I can feel the pain of losing a child, and so I posted the following words in my Facebook status:

“Taking one’s life, especially a young one, will always be a tragedy. Sometimes their cries and pleas are silent and unheard. How I wish I have the opportunity to speak to every young person in this country, tell them that their lives matter and that God loves them, in order to build up their courage. Because it takes more courage to live than to kill one’s self.”

A flood of comments poured in – the most I’ve ever gotten in my daily Facebook regimen. I was flabbergasted when so many people expressed that they’ve entertained the thought of suicide. One said that my post was timely because she was actually contemplating of doing the same! It’s really true that many people live lives of quiet desperation. Some know how to deal with it, while others don’t.

What if we redefine success?

What if success doesn’t mean having our children achieve some lofty goal in the future, but showing them we love them every single day of our lives? What if success means balancing discipline with love, and expressing it in such a way that they’ll grow up without thinking that a parent’s love is predicated on kids’ performance?

What if parents effectively show their kids that they love each other? What if kids see their parents serious in their love for and commitment to God above all things, and they emulate it? There are so many “What if’s”.

And what if we redefine success, and instead of a singular focus on goals, career, money or material attainment, we emphasize relationship enrichment? Redefine success, because relationships matter.

(Develop your leadership skills and spend two whole days with Francis Kong on May 28-29 at the EDSA Shangri-La Hotel. For further inquiries, contact Lylee at 09228980196, or call 632-6310912 for details.)