I am sorry but

“I’m sorry.” These are powerful words.

Authentic apologies can work like a healing ointment on old wounds, dissolve bitter grudges, and repair damaged relationships. They encourage both parties to let go of toxic emotions like anger and guilt and provide a fresh foundation of mutual respect.

It’s not easy to offer a sincere apology. But it is so easy to dispense shallow meaning sorry’s just to get off the hook. But authentic apologies involve much more than words expressing sorrow; they require accountability, remorse, and repentance.

An accountable apology involves a sincere acknowledgment that the one apologizing did something wrong. “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” is a fake apology because it accepts no personal responsibility. A better apology is “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” An even better one reveals an understanding of the wrongdoing from the point of view of the person injured and asks for forgiveness. “I’m sorry I called you a bad mother. I was speaking out of anger, and I ask you to forgive me.” Given the natural human tendency to interpret our own words and actions in a manner most favorable to us, it takes great self-awareness to be accountable.

An authentic apology also conveys remorse. It’s easier to forgive those who have hurt us if we believe they have suffered some pain themselves in the form of regret, sorrow, or shame. Self-inflicted guilt is a form of penance or reparation that clears the road to forgiveness. Somebody steals your account. He gets found out. And he says: “I’m sorry I did that.” But without his returning the proceeds from the account the apology is totally insincere.

Accountability and remorse must also be joined by repentance – recognizing something we did was wrong coupled with a credible commitment not to do it again. Without such a commitment, an apology is hollow. Thus, repetitive apologies for the same conduct are meaningless and often offensive. “I’m sorry” is not a get out of jail free card that lets people off the hook who repeatedly break promises, get drunk, or say cruel things.

Here is another thing about apologies: Do not mess up an apology with an excuse. “I’m sorry I did what I did but…that was because …” We make mistakes. We mess up. Some of us mess up with little things, some of us mess up big time, but we need to apologize sincerely, and with true remorse and repentance, make things right. True apology has very little to do with eloquence, it has everything to do with personal character. Being sincerely sorry means you hate what you have done more than the fear that you have been caught.

It takes character to both give and accept an authentic apology. And I kid you not when I say it is easier to say “I am sorry” than to honestly look at the mirror and say, “God, forgive me I really messed up! And I need to go back and right the wrong.”

(Develop your leadership skills and spend two whole days with Francis Kong this Aug. 22-23 at the EDSA Shangri-La Hotel as he facilitates the well-acclaimed Dr. John C. Maxwell Program “Developing the leader within You.” For further inquiries contact Hannah at 09228980196 or call 6872614 for details.)