Job description of a dad

I came across this wonderful material in the Internet:

Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION

Position: DAD

Long-term team players are needed for challenging, permanent work in an often-chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses will not be reimbursed. Extensive courier duties are also required.

Responsibilities

• Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing; must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management; ability to suture flesh wounds, a plus

• Must be able to think outside of the box, without losing track of the box, because he’ll most likely need it for a school project

• Must reconcile petty cash disbursements, and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless he wants to hear, “He got more than me!” for the rest of his life

• Must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions, while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution

• Must be able to choose his battles wisely, and then stick to his guns

• Must be able to withstand criticism, such as “You don’t know anything!”

• Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating

• Must be willing to bite his tongue repeatedly

• Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf

• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repairs, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers

• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of half a million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices

• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects

• Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks

• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next

• Must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be his middle name

• Must have a diverse knowledge base so as to answer questions on the fly, such as “What makes the wind move?” or “Why can’t we just stop all wars?”

• Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst

• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product

• Other responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility

Possibility for advancement and promotion

Virtually none. The job is to remain in the same position for years without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous experience

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and compensation

You pay your charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.

Need I say more?

Congratulations to all the dads in the world – those who have fulfilled or are fulfilling their roles faithfully.

Happy Father’s Day!

(Spend two whole days with Francis Kong developing your leadership skills this July 4 - 5 at the EDSA Shangri-La Hotel. For further inquiries, contact Inspire Leadership Consultancy Inc. at 632-6872614 or 09178511115.)