Not-so-fearless forecasts

With the growing bandwagon for the Administration, our nationwide Spy-ring has given us assessments that enabled us to make the not-so-fearless forecast that GMA will be elected as the 15th president of the republic by next week. There is no question, too, that Noli "Kabayan" de Castro will be our next veep. For the first time since 1986, it looks like we’ll be having a president and a vice-president from the same party. This should increase the chances of political stability in the country. We also foresee that Mar Roxas will be the senatorial topnotcher and that Fred Lim will be elected to the Senate. As for FPJ, we see him making one or two movies after the elections before he fades into the sunset. Ping Lacson will continue to play the role of Mr. Exposé in the Senate. His time will definitely come in 2010. By the way, our INC Ear-spy reported that its leadership was considering to back GMA as early as a month ago. With these forecasts, let us see how E-Day four days from now will bear us out.

Moronic Political Law

Here’s another one for our "Only in da Pilipins" roster of idiocy. One of our Eye-spies in the Commission on Elections did a little research and discovered something that mostly everyone in this campaign-crazy land overlooked. He reported that the Omnibus Election Code allows for the substitution of candidates for all positions, by reason of death or total incapacity, until midday of Election Day. He gave us a hypothetical scenario of how this can be applied. Supposing FPJ gets a sizeable chunk of the votes from the masses, then at noon of May 10, he suddenly declares his total incapacity (which some pundits say is not too far-fetched from the truth). He then declares Ping Lacson as his substitute for the position. Lacson can then get all the votes for FPJ and add these to his own and Prego!, Ping Lacson becomes the 15th President of the Republic. Seems farfetched, but the substitution clause is certifiably a moronic loophole that is not beneath an astute student of Machiavelli to exploit.

Conjugal Dictatorship In The Cordilleras

How true is it that a political power couple in the Cordilleras has not been sharing the marital bed for more than three years now? According to our mountain mole, whenever tyrantita wants to indulge in a little "boudoir carousal," tyranto has not been able to rise to the occasion. It’s not because he’s impotent, our mountain mole whispered, the truth is that he has been getting a lot of "carousals" from a pretty lady in Manila including an equally pretty lady who lives a little close to the couple’s mountain aerie. Tyrantita puts up with this due to her insatiable desire to lord it over their little kingdom. You see, she plans to rise from mayor to governor in the next few years. This couple has been exercising its own brand of conjugal dictatorship for almost two decades now – much to the disgust of their constituents who have just about had enough of their kleptocratic watch. By the way, the province was declared a Comelec hotspot, with the polls suspended in several towns on E-Day.

GMA's Secret Weapon

Every presidential candidate has his or her secret weapon. FM had Imelda and FVR had Joe Almonte, for example. Our Palace Ear-spy revealed that GMA’s secret weapon turns out to be a group that mobilized young professionals, businessmen, students, policemen, ex-Erap/FPJ youth leaders, and even former military men linked to several coup attempts in the 1980s. Aside from mobilizing sectors and waging an information war over the net (check out their website at www.makeitstrong.org), they have been responsible for special ops to weaken the resolve of the opponents’ supporters and to win them over to the Administration’s fold. By recruiting from the indigenous tribes, the NGO’s, cooperatives, the Information Technology sector, and youth organizations, this covert group has also built up a grassroots network to make a strong republic a reality. If our forecast of a GMA victory unfolds, she will have much to thank this secret weapon for.

Spy Tidbiz: FPJ Will Have The Last Laugh

Our Spy-ring in the opposition camp disclosed that FPJ will pull a surprise this weekend. It seems that he still has an ace up his sleeve that is cause for the Administration not to break out the bubbly yet. A highly-secret initiative is in the works and may change the whole perception of a looming GMA victory. Opposition stalwarts have been repelled by Joker Arroyo’s comments that FPJ does not know anything. In the end, the joker is wild and the joke is on them. FPJ will have the last laugh.

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