Parenthood: A gift and a responsibility

CEBU, Philippines - It is quite bewildering to think of how parents could become the most influential people in their children's lives. The thought makes parenting a very challenging job. It is such a huge responsibility that lives are dependent on you.

When I gave birth to my first-born son, there were a lot of questions in my mind. Would I be able to rear this child properly? Would I be a good mother? Would I be capable of nurturing this child as a precious gift from God?

I did not know the answers to these questions, but I was sure of one thing - I wanted to be a good mother. Then, two years after, my second child, a daughter, was born. I did my best to provide for my children's needs and saw to it that they were living life as comfortably as possible.

But like any mother who loves her children so much, I also had my share of parental slips. When my son was seven years old and my daughter, five, something happened that I have never forgotten up to this day.

My son was playing with my cell phone, although I had already told him several times to stop. Suddenly, the phone slipped from his hand, and crashed on the floor. I was sure it was destroyed - and I was so mad that I got a stick and hit the boy. I hit him hard that he cried so much, prompting my daughter to approach me and asked if the cell phone was more dear to me than her 'kuya'. I was dumbfounded by the innocent question.

I was brought back to my senses. I realized I had gone too far, regretting and ashamed of what I did. That incident made me more mindful of the ways by which I discipline my children.

I have since made it a point to correct my kids' wrongdoings in a firm but gentle way. Spanking has ceased as punishment for inappropriate behavior and, instead, I try to make them understand the possible consequences of their actions.

Now my son is already in his graduate studies and my daughter graduating college. One time, I asked them if they harbored a grudge against me for the way I disciplined them before. They hugged me, and assured me that they were thankful that I was their mother; that the spanking had helped in molding them to be better individuals.

Many parents associate discipline with spanking, or subjecting the kids to physical punishment, in order to teach the children a lesson. I know, because I was one such parent. With my own experience growing up in a home where every wrongdoing was punished with spanking, I had the mindset that this was the best to discipline young children.

But I noticed that the more a child is spanked, the more he or she develops tolerance to the spanking. And the punishment does not actually guarantee that the misbehavior would stop. It only promotes fear where love should be between parent and child.

The child still continues to misbehave and even perceives the parent's absence as freedom to do as he or she wants. While spanking may help correct a child's misbehavior, it could have a negative effect on the child's growth when done frequently. According to Esther J. Esteban, author of "Values Education: What, Why and for Whom," discipline imposes external standards of control on the child's conduct - but the end goal of discipline is to motivate the child to internalize self-discipline." In other words, a well-disciplined child is one who behaves properly, with or without the presence of his or her parents or any person of authority.

Among elementary students, however, the value of self-discipline is still starting to develop. This is the reason why most of the quarrels and troubles in school happen when the teacher is not around. Being a Guidance Counselor for Elementary students, I have dealt with quite a number of misbehavior cases.

I see my own children in the students that come to the Guidance Office, seeking for my help when they are in trouble. I always ask about their family, to know more about them and understand the students better. I've noticed that even the most troublesome students, when asked about their family, often break down and cry.

These students have stories to tell - parents quarreling, harsh punishments at home, unfair treatment among siblings, and so on. From the stories of misbehaving students I have realized just how much impact the parents' actions have on their children.

Yes, we parents need to discipline our children, for their own good. But we sometimes go overboard and end up doing things that only bruise their feelings and make them hateful towards us or even to other people. Thus, it is important that we, too, should master self-discipline and be in control of our emotions so as not to unnecessarily hurt our children.

In her diary Anne Frank wrote: "Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."As we lead our children on the right path, it is important that we let them see and realize that we ourselves are in the right path. Children are more likely to follow what their parents do, and not what their parents preach. (FREEMAN)