CEBU, Philippines - For more than ten years, studying corporate men has been a major part of my professional life. As I have traveled to many places listening to men talk about their inner worlds, I have come to believe that the myths we used to describe and define men are, for the most part, invalid. When men wear their masks, they are wearing the masks of male mythology. When these same men take off their masks, they show us who they really are: searching, vulnerable, excited, thoughtful, growing human beings.Men have made great strides and changes over the past decades. If I were writing this article 20 years ago, I would not be writing with much hope and optimism. The changes men are making in their personal and professional lives surpass anything I ever imagined possible. Contrary to Shere Hite's diatribe against men, I find many willing to talk about what they think and how they feel. I see men reaching out in the hope of understanding others and themselves better.
In the past, for men to succeed they had to play by the rules, surrendering freedom and control over their work life. Today, many corporations encourage entrepreneurial traits in their executives. Before, executives ran from their work and personal problems for they felt it was a sign of weakness to admit they had a problem. Today, I am often asked to consult with companies where the executives realize they need to change but don't know how.
I would have never imagined senior executives hiring me to determine what they were doing wrong in managing and leading their divisions or companies. Now they want that feedback. They want to know how to improve. And they are receptive to my comments as well as those of their employees. In some respects, they are asking me and their employees to help them take off their masks, to expose flaws previously concealed behind armors of positional power and title.
And when they hear the truth, they respond quite favorably. That doesn't mean they don't feel hurt and embarrassed when certain weaknesses are exposed. But they accept them as part of their being human, which, in turn, makes their employees feel accepted for who they are. It is impossible for these executives to be accepting of others' mistakes if they can't accept their own. The ones who have no idea what their inner world is all about are the ones who project their own confusion and discontentment onto others. On the other hand, I have found that those executives who have developed a respect and love for themselves are able to genuinely respect and love others. These are the men capable of leading others to achieve both personal and professional success.
It is important to note that my thinking is contrary to the assumption underlying the thinking of Luther and Calvin and also that of Kant and Freud, which is: Selfishness is identical with self-love. To love others is a virtue; to love oneself is a sin. Furthermore, love for others and love for oneself are mutually exclusive.
And I mention this for a very specific reason: many men I interviewed have been indoctrinated with thoughts along the same lines. I think there has always been a parenthetical statement following one of the Ten Commandments: Love thy neighbor (instead of thyself).
I am more inclined to agree with Erich Fromm, the noted psychoanalyst, who, in his book "Escape from Freedom," states, "if he can only 'love' others, he cannot love at all."
The men who will lead us through the next decades and into the future are men who live balanced lives. They are men who value marriage and relationships, handling interpersonal situations with ease and confidence. They are men who have worked through their need to be liked by learning to like themselves. They are men who enjoy watching others explore and grow. As leaders, they are concerned about creating an environment where others feel comfortable to reach their own decisions, to take risks, to experiment, to learn and to change.
The men who opened up with me have resolved their own quiet desperation by facing their inner truth. For most of these men, contentment and self-esteem did not come easily. It took time, and often longer than they desired. But the results were worth every second of pain and conflict they experienced. These men have tried out new ways of being, and in doing so serve as role models for other men. They have created possibilities that many men would never have dreamed about.
By taking off their masks and divulging their inner world, these men offer comfort to others that they are not alone with their feeling. Hopefully, the men who have shattered the myth about their manhood inspire other men to reflect on their own values, behavior and needs. I hope the others then find their own answers and to define what is truly important to them.
- from the book Quiet Desperation (FREEMAN)