Lessons from Mom

One of the most important lessons I ever learned from my mother, Lirio, is stubborn determination. She always drummed into me the necessity of constantly doing my best, no matter the odds. When I was a child, she doggedly guided me through two years of daily swimming in a public pool, to get rid of asthma that would have hampered my living a normal life. She patiently helped me through a year of painful calisthenics to straighten out two curves in my spine. If she hadn’t, I would be three or four inches shorter and suffering from crippling back pains. It is because of her that I have given my life to sports.

For her part, Mom was suffering in silence. She was constantly concerned about us and her four grandchildren. She was also so selfless, she didn’t think of herself. When she was doing something for one of us, she didn’t mind being tired. She helped us when our children were born, sacrificing her own health so we could get some much-needed sleep and function at work. Her presence was invaluable. But despite her best efforts, she still worried that she couldn’t protect us from the world.

In 2009, when she first suffered a stroke, she reminded me of this. Initially frustrated and saddened, Mom didn’t let it keep her down for long. When her right side became weak and uncooperative, she consistently pursued her physical therapy at the excellent facilities of St. Luke’s Medical Center. I teased her that she was the only non-athletic member of the family, but here she was, looking for all the world like an Olympic athlete. I grew up trying almost all sports. Still do. My brother Luis was a skilled basketball player. My sister Lizette was a surfer and boxes. Mom threw herself into taking care of us, and baking. This time, she was a participant in physical activity out of necessity. In a matter of weeks, her right side was almost back to full strength.

So we went back about our business, with little worry. Mom would always be there. This was just a hiccup. We just needed to slow down a bit when we walked with her, and needed to make sure she could sit down every so often when we took her out. No problem. It was all about balance, and slowing down, the next lesson we picked up from her.

Unfortunately, like any strength, persistence is a double-edged sword that can also cut the one wielding it. In a situation where she was unhappy, she still pushed on, thinking that eventually, things would change. It was hard for her to accept that people can choose not to improve, to grow, to be agreeable, and trying to overcome another person’s choice was something she could not do for someone else. If someone chooses to be unproductive and unhappy and pull people down, persuasion would be next to useless. Still, she tried. Fighting it would inevitably grind down her spirit. She was simply getting nothing in return.

Mom was always independent. That is what led her to the US to finish her studies and work, where she attracted my biological father and gave birth to me. It was also her independence amd strength that prompted her decision not to push the relationship when he showed weakness, it was also her inner steel that motivated her to keep me and bring me back to the Philippines, when she had the option of putting me up for adoption and nobody would know. Imagine the strength it took to be a single, unwed Asian mother in America in the 1960’s. It still blows my mind, and I will always be grateful. I guess I get my hardheadedness from her. In a life of sports where I had much to overcome to begin with, it has been my most formidable weapon.

On September 6, Mom had another stroke. Since then, we have spent our days watching over her as she has always watched over us. Just as many athletes have felt the exasperation when they get injured and their bodies betray them, I’m sure she feels just as trapped, especially since she can’t express herself. She also developed apraxia, the inability to open her eyes, the exact same complication that apparently hit former national coach Ron Jacobs. Hopefully, she will regain that function soon.

It was hard for her to even just get up and walk. Now, her movement is even more limited. I had seen it with many athletes before. But this was not a sports injury; this was caused by an external source of stress. Dealing with a difficult loved one is a burden not to be wished on anyone. But choosing to deal with it instead of walking away is also a choice. Now, her odds of recovery totally depend on her.

We are hoping that her stubbornness will be her greatest tool in getting better.