"I now pronounce you, husband and husband"

I could not bring myself to believe nine months ago, we parted. It was a heart-wrenching, bittersweet moment. For more than six years we lived our lives around each other without a day apart, only to be cut short by the daunting reality that I had to leave to pursue the prospect of a better life. Lost in a daze of denial and bargaining, the days trickled away so quick that we found ourselves fighting back tears as we both said goodbye.

I was filled with dread and trepidation of what uncertainty might bring in the days that would come. As those days turned to months of absence, I saw a number of my peers succumb to temptation. One after the other, I stood witness as their relationships crumbled. Perhaps it was the unbearable loneliness, or maybe the pervading coldness that relentlessly lingered both inside and out or it could be the mere absence of human presence and the countless possibilities it invoked. For whatever reason, these tragedies have reinforced the fear that hid at the back of my head and opened my eyes to the frailty of the human heart.

Reunited

With aid of an immigration policy, I focused all my energies in the acquisition of all the necessary documentary evidence to facilitate our reunification. It was a long and tedious process and the ton of paperwork we had to amass was a feat in itself. Despite the absence of a marriage to strengthen my claim, I was able to bring him here, in less than a year. Now, he sleeps here, on my bed. Breathing in his all too familiar scent, I snuggle comfortably in that nook in his arm and the heaving pattern of his breath fills me with a familiarity I sorely missed.

As another winter looms, fate has sealed its hand to keep me warm. The comfort of longing that I found solace in is no longer my refuge, because his physical presence has reignited the flames of our intimacy. This significant personal feat has taught me an invaluable lesson about love. Love remains steadfast because one chooses to unconditionally embrace it, and when that happens, it becomes exceedingly overwhelming that it cannot be defined in understandable human terms. It just is. It gives us strength and fuels the passion to place two people at the core of the loving relationship and regard all other distractions as worthless, meaningless transient substitutes to fill a void. Fidelity then becomes the by-product of that absolute devotion and is therefore not an obligation but should be second nature.

The dream

Like most people, I believe in marriage as an institution to seal a commitment and forever bind two people together, henceforth it should be the summit of any loving relationship. I have always dreamed of a big wedding, and I’ve had visions of it planned out in my head for years on end. It would have to be grand and typically Filipino. I’m going to be in white, a contrast to his would be dark hued barong. The halls would have to be adorned with the prettiest local floras which bloom in our tropical shores. In the presence of all our friends and families, we will profess our lifelong commitment and superlatively express the love that we have found that only death would make us part. As we march out of the ceremonial hall, rice grains would then shower upon us symbolically bestowing well wishes and blessings. Sadly, this envisioned celebration will perpetually remain a dreary imagining.

“I can only wish”

I am thankful to Britain, because it has validated a relationship that our institutions deny. This to me spells a great deal of recognition equally afforded to everyone who is truly in love. It may be a cold and distant land, but it has come a long way for a country who persecuted and imprisoned the likes of writer Oscar Wilde, a homosexual, for engaging in what was regarded back then as an abomination to morality. It may be too much to ask, and I can only wish for the same liberty back home, but I am well aware of the dire circumstance of our budding nation. As we are still struggling to correct the socio-economic inequalities in our society and work toward stability, aspirations for unions that I desire is understandably not a priority. Simply turning to Maslow’s hierarchy, physiologic needs take precedence over love and belongingness.

My grand Filipino wedding may not be happening anytime soon, maybe not even in this lifetime, but it doesn’t matter now. My prayers have been answered, I have found my way back in that corner in his arm and all my anxieties have been dispelled. In the company of my new found friends I will have to settle for a more humble yet intimate ceremony, and but of course, I’d still be in white!

Marco Antonio Bondoc, 27, currently works as a nurse in the United Kingdom. He and his partner, Earl, plan to enter into a civil partnership within the year and eventually settle in the UK, after seven years of being in a relationship.