The other mother

MANILA, Philippines - Every year on Mother’s Day we express our gratitude to the women who brought us into this world, as well as to those women who nurtured us during our childhood: adoptive mothers, older sisters, aunts, friends and teachers.

In Hong Kong, I believe that we should also pay tribute to a special group of women who earn their living by serving as “behind-the-scenes” mothers: the domestic helpers who care for our children while we are away from the home pursuing professional careers.

Their job description includes the daunting responsibility of looking after our most precious and valued “possessions” – our children, and therefore they deserve to be ranked high on the prestige list for important positions.

We working “mothers of origin” are often reluctant to admit the extent to which our domestic helpers influence the education of our children. Perhaps our absence from the home makes us feel too guilty to acknowledge this fact. In our family, I know that the title of “The Other Mother” was not an exaggeration.

For 30 years I have lived in Hong Kong where my husband and I have had the good fortune of raising our two sons with the dedicated support of Estela, a hard-working woman from Ilocos Norte whose common sense, tough-minded discipline and sheer love of her two charges permitted me to work and run a non-profit organization without bearing a constant burden of anxiety about my family at home. My friends in America would roll their eyes and snicker about my pampered lifestyle. In the United States, such service is available only to the highly affluent and consequently, most working mothers live in a painful mode of relentless stress and sleep deprivation.

Estela lived in our home for 18 years and carried out all of the “chores” of the traditional housewife as well as a good share of child-rearing. Her role was not limited to the nitty-gritty of changing diapers and making meals for children. She also took on the responsibility of teaching values and manners and providing a crucial sense of security.

“When your Mum is not home, then I am your Mum” she would tell the boys.

This was her way of saying: “No need to worry about anything – and don’t even think about misbehaving when I’m in charge.” She meant it and they knew it.

Whenever our children visited the US, Americans would remark on their good manners and politeness, especially toward their elders. These habits and mannerisms were surely drilled into them by Estela, whose behavior towards others was graceful and respectful. Their New Jersey mother cannot take credit for that.

The children learned many other things from her too. They learned how to sing and laugh and how to find joy in every moment, a gift which seems to be a cultural trait of the fun-loving people of the Philippines.  

Her grown-up ward shows his love and gratitude to his “other mother“.

And thanks to bath time with Estela, they also learned the Tagalog words for body parts. Today we still use the word kili-kili which is a lot more fun than “armpit.”

Above all, the boys learned from Estela the meaning of sacrifice. It is difficult for me to grasp the courage and selflessness required to leave one’s family and familiar surroundings to clean toilets in the home of strangers. To take care of someone else’s children so that your own children can have the opportunity to go to school and have a brighter future.  

What always intrigues me is that the domestic workers, despite their lowly status in Hong Kong’s social hierarchy, seem more cheerful and content than many local people in Hong Kong. Perhaps it is the sense of purpose and devotion to their families that gives their lives meaning. 

Estela’s contribution to our family permitted me to carry out a rewarding career which also enabled me to contribute to our family finances.   So we both had the same goal. But I know that I was the one who got the better deal.

The modern-day phenomenon of working mothers and imported domestic helpers is a complicated social issue wrought with controversy. But my purpose in writing today is a simple one.

I would like to salute Estela, Minda and Nora who, over the years, have humbly played the role of the “Other Mother” in our happy home. 

And I would like to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all domestic helpers in Hong Kong and send you my sentiments of gratitude and respect. You are truly “Mothers Without Borders.”

Michelle Vosper is the director of the Asian Cultural Council in Hong Kong.