Word play

How do you spell "rostrum"? our editor wanted to know. That, of course, was a trick question, so I volunteered, Rustom...as in Padilla? Wrong answer, he said, and showed me what came in by way of caption to a photo: "Roast room."

Some people call them bloopers, a mangling of the language, but some people take pains coming up with "alternative" spellings and meanings. Either way, they’re always good for a good laugh.

The Washington Post recently published its annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners this year are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.