Comforting a Friend

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Deaths, divorces, terminations, disasters and diseases strike best friends and family. What do you do when someone close to you suffers a loss? Send a card? Call on the telephone? Ignore the situation since it is painful? Or stop by for a visit? Those are some of the choices you have. When you choose to visit, you are confronted with a dilemma: What do you say?

Many people, uncertain as to what is the proper thing to do, do nothing at all. But ignoring the issue only adds to the pain, confusion and grief.

What should you do to help someone through a crisis? The following guidelines may help:

Guideline #1: Just be there. You don’t have to make speeches. You don’t have to send flowers or write messages. The warmth of a hug or a handshake, along with your physical appearance, can be a great encouragement.

James Kennedy, an attorney by profession, was playing tennis with a friend, when the game was interrupted with the devastating news that the friend’s infant son had been rushed to the hospital. At first, Kennedy didn’t know what to do. He thought the least he could do was be there.

A few minutes after his arrival, a doctor quietly told his friend and his wife that their infant had died–a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Kennedy was a lawyer. He earned his living by logic and persuasion, but there is nothing logical, nothing that can really be said to assuage the pain of a loss such as this.

He simply stayed there, and looking back over his career, he describes it as "the most important thing I have ever done."

One of the oldest of all biblical dramas is in the book of Job in the Old Testament. When Job lost his children, his resources, and his reputation, his friends came to console him. The first three had speeches to make, thinking this would help Job. But the one who really helped came and sat with him for seven days and nights, saying nothing.

Guideline #2: Listen. It’s unnecessary to make a speech, especially when you aren’t sure what to say. Just be there and listen. When someone suffers a loss, he or she may want to talk or may want some space to try to absorb what has happened. Eventually, your friend will want to talk about it, but on his or her time schedule, not yours.

Guideline #3: Care. The people who helped us through my dad’s death the most were the ones who showed up in jeans and work clothes and said, "How can we help?" And they didn’t mind soiling their hands doing some pretty unglamorous tasks. Compassion in overalls, demonstrating that you care, brings comfort that counts.

Resource Reading: 1 Thessalonians 5