To Dog or Not to Dog

My neighbor put up a "Beware of dog" sign on their gate even though they don’t have a dog, not even a stuffed one. The sign is there as a security precaution, to deter people who may have less than honorable intentions. Commenting on the sign, my helper confessed that she too tells passers-by who ask that yes, we do have a dog inside. Needless to say, she thinks it would be a great idea that I get a "Beware of dog" sign to hang on our gate.

Taking it from there, my not-so-little girl Stephanie suggests that I should make good on the sign and get a real dog. That sparked a spirited after-dinner discussion on why I should get a dog, and what kind of dog.

A labrador would be nice, she says. Too big, I counter, and too matakaw. Remember Amy’s brother’s stolen dog (PetLife, Feb. 8 issue of The Philippine STAR)? Athena is a labrador, and she’s almost as huge as a pony. I’m going to to be knocked flat on the ground if the dog decides to jump on me, which it probably will.

A dachshund, Steph volunteers, recalling fond memories of her late (un)lamented dachshund Bogey, who was her prize for winning a math contest in first grade. Bogey was a rambunctious, cantankerous, gluttonous dog who survived a thousand misadventures and lived out his geriatric years on the carpet, with an occasional growl to remind us of his existence. To further her case for getting a dachshund, she coaxed, "You’ll be cat-free, frog-free and ipis-free!" And my garden? "I guess you’ll also be plant-free." Good size, bad character.

A golden retriever then, a small-boned one–so beautiful, so even-tempered, so intelligent. Definitely pretty, I agreed, but still too big, and long-haired, which means a lot of work, and probably fleas. Ditto for German shepherds, inspite of fond memories of Princess and Mario, Steph’s other former dogs. Trying to restrain those huge hounds when they’ve got cat on their minds is not my idea of an afternoon stroll around the neighborhood.

A basset hound a.k.a. hush puppy is perfect, Steph exclaims, a dog that is talagang walang pakialam sa mundo. It will just lie there, trouble-free, unmindful of cats and frogs. And what if a thief comes in? It won’t mind the thief either. Thanks, but no thanks. My green stuffed dog Woof does as much. Besides, Kathy the pet expert says that bassets smell ("really stink" was what she said) something awful, as do all dogs with long ears. The same olfactory principle, she explains, applies to dogs with crumpled faces, like the otherwise adorable sharpei and the less adorable pug.

My brother–Steph’s dad, who got her the dachshund in the first place–volunteered that if the dog was fed a vegetarian diet (including vegetarian dog food–yes, there is such a thing) it wouldn’t smell. But since vegetarian is not a concept welcome around my kitchen, I am not enthusiastic about a vegetarian dog.

My sister-in-law enthused that a dog is fun; it will welcome me when I come home at night. I can play with the dog and talk to the dog when I’m lonely. I’ll take my nice big bed over a slobbering dog as my welcoming committee any night, and as for conversation, I think that’s why Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.

The final verdict? Three votes in favor of Dog, one vote–the deciding vote, mine–unconvinced. I’ll just hang my "Beware of dog" sign on my gate and, for now anyway, the impression of a dog will have to do. I’ll even bark and growl in my best doberman impersonation every once in a while for good measure.