Yesterday at 4 p.m. Manila time, we said farewell to my father-in-law Jaap Vogelsang for the last time. While my wife Karen and daughter Hannah personally attended the cremation in Holland, I sat quietly at home in Manila collecting my thoughts about “Jaap” (pronounced: Yap).
Jaap taught me a very important lesson that many men who have daughters need to learn.
In our culture we often make a joke of how fathers with beautiful daughters will have to hire bodyguards to keep suitors away. Our macho history always rubs in the joke that beautiful daughters are payback for playboy or palikero fathers.
So it is no surprise that we utter threats to yet unknown and unseen visitors, speak curses on those who would even dare come a courting in the future, and time and again you would hear a father say, “I’d rather send my daughter to a convent”. I’ve been guilty of “all of the above” and my daughter is only nine!
When some “young punk” starts visiting too often and becomes too serious, a number of fathers give them the third degree or a “pre-pre-nuptial interview”.
Of course it did not help my case, when some well-meaning friend of Karen’s family warned her to be careful, because Filipino men are notorious for having mistresses!
By God’s grace, Jaap was not the sort to terrorize. He welcomed me into his home, showed his true colors, graciously attended to us from the very first visit. We did not have any pre-nuptial interviews or scenarios from “The Godfather”.
He taught me the lesson at the Schipol Airport in Amsterdam after my first visit.
As we were about to pass through immigration, he extended a warm handshake and gently said: “Please take care of my daughter”.
He made no demands, he did not express any anxiousness, he did not even give a “no questions asked” return policy.
He entrusted me with the most precious thing in his life; his daughter.
Real men honor such requests, such privilege. As I write about that moment, I could almost feel his handshake and his words once again asking me and entrusting me to “please take care of my daughter”.
Our Pastors have taught us to pray for the people in our children’s future. To pray for their spouse, their children and their life. Rather than curse the stranger, let us bless them, because we too were once “strangers”.
Thank You Jaap.
* * *
Even before we received the call to go home, we had long known that death would be around the corner. But we always want to think that the corner is several miles long. He was 87 years and winter had limited his activity to the point that it triggered physical deterioration.
Being this close to the situation, I learned so much about growing old and the difficulties the elderly go through. In a time when you can replace a heart, a kidney or a hip, it does not help if your mind plays games on you like Alzheimer does.
“Scared” or “frightened” are words we never associate with Dad or Mom, Papa or Mama. But I learned that the elderly go full circle. Remember those times when as kids we get so tired, fall asleep in the afternoon and then wake up disoriented, thinking it’s “tomorrow” already and we missed school or something!
Imagine being disoriented, waking up to a room full of strangers all claiming to be your children or your relatives. I remember the day when my own grandmother faced me with a skillet in hand ready to attack this “stranger”!
We never stop thinking of them as our pillars of strength, until we finally hear and see their fear.
Hard to imagine our “heroes” and “pillars” being frightened, but the older they get the more afraid they become. I could never understand why some people openly tell me about their “death wish” or hope of moving on soon, short and sweet! I never understood because I did not try to listen long and listen well.
I try to humor things by referring to impending death as being at “pre-departure” waiting to board. One day I lost my humor when an elderly person pointed out to me that his mind was still functional, his body was marginalized and his life was confined to four walls.
It was just like “pre-departure” to an unknown destination, no frills-no fun!
In our own fear of losing them, we fail to listen to them. They need our love, our reassurance, our comfort IN EXACTLY the same manner and degree they loved and protected us as their children. There is no room, no excuse to be awkward, embarrassed or inconvenienced. It’s not just about “loving back”, they need to be loved and they need it from “us”.
I consider myself very fortunate because I fall under the group of guys who actually like and respect their in-laws. I won’t get to choose who my future son-in-law will be but right now, I’m praying that his father and mother are teaching him about being “Entrusted”, Trustworthy, as well as a love for the elderly.
In closing, I just need to share this thought. The people I love the most and who are now gone, did not leave me great wealth, but they left me great lessons; some, one, some many.
Great wealth is often hard to share and needs to be guarded. Great lessons when shared become great wealth that need not be guarded.