First of all, what does it mean for a husband and a wife to become one? A husband once said: Marriage is when two people become one. The problem arises when they start deciding – which one?! This has precisely created havoc in many, many marriages. And yet, that very passage from the Book of Genesis is crystal clear: "The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him’" (Gen. 2: 18). Suitable partner. Thus, unity in marriage does not mean the power of one over the other, whether that power be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination of all. Rather, it means shared power for the good of both. Each one contributes his/her unique qualities for the good of the other. Partners are equal in dignity and worth. Neither one is superior to the other.
Husband and wife are like the two, distinct columns of a beautiful, impregnable arch, joined at the top by a sustaining power. Husband and wife united by their God-given gift of unconditional love.
The coupleness of a couple has three, distinct identities: The I, the You, the We. Each one has to be given due respect, attention, and fulfillment. Let us first focus on the respective human needs of the I and the You. This is what is meant by the complementarity of the sexes.
The husband gives more of what he is as male to the wife, and the wife gives more of what she is as female to the husband. Moreover, each one reaches out to the needs of the other, even when these are not his/her own needs. Each one is motivated by what will make the other happy. Easier said than done! As I wrote in a previous homily, the ego is our greatest enemy.
It is in relation to this that a breakthrough psycho-spiritual skill must be learned and habitually practiced by the couple in their everyday life, as well as at times when they need to really dialogue more seriously concerning problematic issues. Each spouse needs to be both an empathetic listener, as well as an empathetic speaker (sharer). Mutual empathy.
To listen with empathy means to set aside my own thoughts and feelings about what is being expressed or explained by my spouse – and instead enter the world and perspective of my spouse, putting myself in his/her shoes, so that I can be-with, think-with, and feel-with my spouse. Non-judgemental. To understand my spouse with my heart, more than with my logic or rationality. To understand, moreover, the meaning of his/her feelings of pain, hurt, anger, fear, etc., from my spouse’s perspective, not mine. I do this by asking clarificatory questions, and by allowing him/her to ventilate and explain more deeply, etc. I learn to accept the world of my spouse, without agreeing or disagreeing. In this way, he/she begins to feel really understood by me. It is after this that my spouse will be open to listen to me in return, and will try to understand me likewise with empathy.
After an experience of mutual empathy, we as a couple may then discern where God is calling us in terms of a win-win conflict resolution (where each one wins a little and loses a little), or a mutually-agreed decision (happy compromise) that gives us inner peace.
Thus, the We of coupleness is activated, and flows over to their children and family, as well as to their relatives, friends, the community, the nation, and all of creation. A couple is not called by God to just be a couple between them. That is what we call conjugalism – a most tragic trend that is now spreading in Europe and America. Childless marriages by intention.
Christianity basically means community – the family of God. Every Christian couple is therefore missioned by God to be united as a couple, so that they can precisely become a COUPLE-FOR-OTHERS.
Just yesterday, we celebrated the 37th anniversary of Marriage Encounter in the Philippines. Our deepest gratitude to the Lord! Amen.