Preparing for a great first year of marriage

(Part 3 of a series on Hello Young Lovers)

The excitement of preparing a young bride and groom for marriage is quite special. Advises are enthusiastically showered on them left and right from mothers and fathers, as well as from grandmothers and grandfathers. As a young bride, once upon a time, I treasured some wise reminders such as how important it is that "your husband loves you much more than you do" and to "watch out for small defects" since they are likely to grow worse after the wedding and most of all to pray — because every true love is matched in heaven.

It is every bride’s wish to have a Prince Charming, who is handsome and rich. But, it is actually the Frog Prince who they must look for. They are unassuming, less dashing in looks and more modest men with talents, who turn out to become the truly caring Prince of one’s life.

Is marriage truly the promised land?

Every couple will experience an adjustment after the honeymoon is over as they settle into the first year of marriage. When you are dating and in the courtship stage, you idolize each other and are eager that you found someone to share your dreams, your goals, as well as your outlook in life. Thus, you focus on your similarities and you pay little attention to your differences, unless they are especially annoying.

"Love is blind," they say. Even if you are aware of some bothersome qualities in your partner, you often turn a blind eye on them. You overlook them because aren’t we supposed to look for the best in the other person?

Marriage is believed to be the promised land where happiness abounds until the newlyweds wake up from their dreams. Listen to what this man said a few weeks after their wedding: "She wasn’t the person I thought she would be when we married. I married the wrong person." Meantime, this is what the wife said, "When we were dating, in his eyes, I couldn’t do any wrong. After the honeymoon, I couldn’t do anything right."

The honeymoon is over

Some calls the first year of marriage the disappointment phase. That sounds pretty grim, doesn’t it? For some, it is. In fact, for many it is.

In America, rash divorces occur at the second-year mark in marriages and then again on the seventh year. These couples have entered the marriage with high hopes and expectations. But, they soon lose sight of the positive qualities of their partner and notice only the negative ones. They see only the worst, imagine the worst, and create a negative vicious cycle.

Many couples who base their decision to marry on physical love, carries the marriage for about three to five years. Those who base their marriage upon romantic love, may last for five to seven years. If friendship love does not develop, the relationship feels empty and may fall apart.

Marriage is a commitment

You can expect your physical attraction as well as romantic attraction to fade. That is normal. The lasting marriages are the ones where the couple builds their love on friendship and sacrificial love. In some ways, it is not really love that will hold your marriage together — it is commitment. This is a binding pledge or "promise not only to the other person, but to the marriage itself." As one husband said when asked how their marriage had lasted so long, "We had a commitment to each other and to the marriage. When our commitment to each other was low, it was the commitment to the marriage that kept us together."

Commitment means giving up childish dreams and unrealistic expectations, as well as accepting disappointments in marriage. Those who enter marriage unprepared for any problems, disappointments or adjustments experience more of the wedding-bell blues than others. The attitude you have towards your adjustments can make the difference.

Saying goodbye to the single life

This is the time you have to realize that you cannot bring your single lifestyle into your marriage. It is definitely the time to "say goodbye to the single life". Some sees marriage as just another addition to their already busy lifestyle. Some women think they can continue to play mahjong while some men think they can continue with their drinking sprees on weekends, as they have done for years. It does not work that way.

Prior to your marriage, you need to identify all the changes you will be making in your life, as well as what you will be giving up. While the very young find it difficult to give up the barkada (gang mates), the much older ones will have to make other adjustments with his set ways.

Secondly, keep in mind that the person you marry (no matter who it is) is a "foreigner". They will think, do things, behave and communicate differently. Even their values shall be different from yours. Therefore, you need to learn to speak your partner’s language and look at one another and say, "We are really different from one another. And, it is okay for you to be you and for me to be me. We can learn from one another. These differences will help each of us become more flexible."

Seeing him or her outside of a dating relationship

In order to fully know the other person, you need "to see him or her outside of a dating relationship". It means going on a week’s vacation with your partner and his or her parents. Or maybe work together on a project or volunteer for a summer work under adverse conditions on a mission trip. It would also be a good idea to put up Christmas tree lights on a house or take care of the other person when he or she is sick. You have to be willing to give and take, as well as cooperate.

Ask yourselves and each other basic questions so you get to know yourself as well as your future spouse better:

How did you get along with each of your parents? What were they like?

How did you get along with your siblings? What special memories do you have of your childhood? What did you enjoy or dislike about school and its activities? What were your hurts and disappointments as a child?

Did you like yourself as a teenager? What were your talents and special abilities? What were you afraid of? Do you have any of those fears today? What was your spiritual life like? Who are the five most important people in your life? Who are your friends? Do you want children?

How love dies — in 5 stages

Over the years, we have heard couples say that they were not just disappointed with their partner, but they have actually fallen out of love with them. This problem is totally avoidable! If you are aware of the process and the stages of falling out of love, you cannot only keep it from happening, but can create a marriage that is fulfilling. When love dies it goes through five stages.

In the first phase, you experience disillusionment. You compare your partner now with the way he or she was before you were married. Over the years, many wives said their husbands were open, feelings oriented, communicative and highly attentive during their courtship, but within a month of marriage, all that disappeared.

Sometimes the partner has, in fact, changed, but other times it is only the perception of the other’s behavior. What you used to see as positive traits are now viewed as negative. As one husband said, "I knew she was organized and neat, but not to this extent. She is so rigid and a perfectionist. It is hard to live with her."

The door checker

A slight revision in your perception of your husband can make him appear much noble. One wife recalls that during the early years of her marriage, she found herself angry with her husband for dozens of reasons. Her husband inadvertently conveyed insults to her by his manner and personality. Just before retiring each evening, he would say, "Did you lock the back door?"

She always answered affirmatively, but Dick always walks to the door to verify that it was bolted. There were only two ways for her to interpret his behavior: either he though she was lying about the door or else he didn’t think that she had brains to remember locking it. Both alternatives made her furious. This scenario symbolized many other sources of conflict between husband and wife.

So in her evening prayers, she asks the Lord, "Why is my husband the way he is?"

The Lord replied, "Take a good look at your husband. He is a detail man. That is why he is such a good banker. He can examine a list of figures and instantly locate an error that others have overlooked. I gave him the ability to handle banking responsibilities. Yes, I made your husband a ‘door checker’ and I want you to accept him that way."

The hurt phase

Hurt is the best way to describe the second phase of the death of love, which can overlap with the first phase. The feelings in this phase include loneliness, the sense of being treated unfairly and unjustly, and a sense of loss.

To solve hurt feelings, you seek out a confidant in order to gripe and complain about how dissatisfying the marriage or partner is. We can and need to help one another change in a healthy way. But, when you are approaching the problem from the position of hurt, you usually reinforce the basic problem or make it worse.

This is where the sacramental grace of marriage comes to the rescue. Do your night prayers together — to persevere and to be patient. As soon as you feel your partner is hurt — APOLOGIZE. Watch love bounce back.

The anger phase

The third phase is anger. It too can overlap with the previous phase as a husband or wife travels the road to the loss of love. Disillusionment diminishes and hurt turns into anger. This is the time when the phrase, "I think I’m falling out of love", begins to emerge. As the disappointment and hurt continues, they obscure the love that was there when the relationship began.

Filipinos must learn how to be comfortable with anger. Anger does not have to kill a marriage. It can actually show that you still care about your partner and the relationship. It is a sign that you are alive and well and want to have something better.

Anger causes you to assert yourself in situations where you should. By now, you are beginning to express feelings to your partner, not in a way that draws you closer, but in a way that alienates him. Expressions of hurt, anger and disappointment are usually presented in a critical way, mingled with an air of disgust. It is not uncommon to avoid your partner, and sexual involvement is either cut off or becomes a mechanical duty. This is a dangerous time in your life, for hurt and anger will make you vulnerable to seeking fulfillment elsewhere. In the death of love, emotional desperation is usually present, which becomes a perfect breeding ground for affairs.

The ambivalence phase and the final phase — disaffection

The fourth phase of love’s loss is ambivalence. Your feelings reflect a sense of turmoil because they shift back and forth between despair and hope for both the marriage and your partner. You are indecisive and unsure about what to do. All these feelings and thoughts lead to a set of behavior that could include counseling. You might make friends and relatives aware of what is happening. You begin to think about another person who might be a better choice than the current partner.

PRAY. Nothing is so destructive as indecision.

The final phase is what all this has been leading to: DISSATISFACTION or the death of love. The only feelings left are those that reflect the death of what each hoped would be a happy and fulfilling relationship. Indifference, detachment and apathy exist, and that is about it.

No couple who marries ever want something like this to happen. It is the worse-case scenario. You can avoid this tragedy if you remember what caused it: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION, and the ABSENCE OF FRIENDSHIP LOVE developing in the relationship.

(ERRATA: Please take note of errors made in the 26 January 2006 article. Under the sub-title, Give Us the Tools and We Will do the Job, the second line in the second paragraph should read: But, each Filipino has individual strengths, JUST GIVE THEM THE TOOLS. The fifth sub-title should be WHERE PARENTS PAY PUBLIC SCHOOLS. The first line should read: In Indonesia, a major part of public school education is provided BY PARENTS.)

(For more information or reaction, please e-mail at exec@obmontessori.edu.ph or pssoliven@yahoo.com)