MANILA, Philippines – It’s hard being mildly unattractive, because everything at the beauty counter feels like a bump of coke. Expensive, glamorous, addictive, and promising to make you the most interesting person in the room. At least, that’s what I think coke feels like, having based all my knowledge of it on Leonardo DiCaprio movies and segments of TV Patrol. I don’t know, though, if narcotics really are as addictive as, oh, say, NARS — are drugs truly the enemy? What about Hezbollah? No, ladies, this is where the real war lies. (I am kidding, of course.)
A few weeks ago I visited Seoul for a brief work trip, not knowing what was in store for me. Even as a world-weary beauty junkie, I wasn’t prepared to see the miles and miles of Korean beauty shops, present on every street much like 24-hour convenience stores and fishball stands are here. And the way I saw all the pore-free, glowing Korean women shopping there, you’d think the apocalypse was coming the next day. I had to ask myself for a quick sec to confirm if things like this really exist — a place where I can step out of my Myeongdong hotel room at 11 in the evening because I’ve got an itch for an Innisfree sheet mask. How is Korea not the ruler of the world yet? It boggles the mind.
Naturally, my frontal cortex shut down, so all control was lost. I was actually worried about my luggage getting overweight because of all the products — and free samples, never forget the samples — that I came home with. I’m surprised customs didn’t think that I was hoarding enough to stock an entire Instagram store; that was honestly the size of what I thought was a modest haul. I probably had enough stuff to beautify half of Azerbaijan. And when I got home, all I could think of was taking off my makeup and building my own skincare regimen. Apparently, Korean skincare involves at least 10 “core” steps of careful layering, day and night.
I’ve gotten a bit cuckoo about it, if I’m being honest. Much like how people love talking about their boyfriends/children/pets, all I wanted to talk about was skin. What are you putting on your face? How many steps do you do every night? What’s an essence? What the hell is an ampoule? It was like paying to get robbed; every opportunity gave me more reason to add another step, another product, another minute from my day. I was starting to come up with skin problems that I didn’t have, but probably might. Prevent it, my products would say. Who says you’ll never have the flaky skin of a lizard? And here I am, falling for it all like a sucker.
I ended up with a 12-Step Korean-inspired skincare routine. And yes, I still have time to eat, sleep and put on a bra like any normal person out there.
First of all, know that you don’t have to do this. I am merely a crazy lady with a bank overdraft and, like, two and a half friends. The Korean skincare method is not the end-all be-all of face worship. (Well, it might be. But you didn’t hear that from me.) If what you’re doing right now already works for your face, then there’s no need to mess with it. It could be the ultra-luxe La Mer skincare system, the more practical Clinique process, or a low-key deal with the devil. I don’t know you, and I don’t know your life. You do it the way you want to. But if you’re unhappy with what your skin looks like right now, then this won’t hurt. Just on your pocket, so it’s a good kind of pain.
The basic Korean skincare regimen involves the following steps: cleansing, exfoliating, treating, moisturizing, and putting on SPF. Obviously I do a crackload more than that, but I’m not going to dictate a skincare system to you. It’s all up to the kind of skin you have, your budget, and the time you want to devote on this endeavor. For example, I have skin like a Texan oil rig, so I try to stick to water-based, oil-free products. Something else might work for you. Another thing to note is that when it comes to Korean beauty principles, you are the artist of your face. You might not need as many steps, or maybe you need more. (Honestly, you probably don’t. As mentioned, I might be insane.)
If there are any rules, it’s these: first, that you should apply the products from most lightweight to the heaviest — creams at the end, basically. Try to space application of products for 30 seconds to a minute so that the skin can absorb it well. And don’t think that because it’s inspired by Korean beauty that you have to use all-Korean products. It’s totally cool to use the items you already have and works for you. I mean, buying new everything? No one would be so cruel.