MANILA, Philippines - Going back to school also means going back to your classmates. But times have changed, and the bully and bitch are yawned at more than ever. Despite their signature evils, these stereotypes have become predictable, and who likes talking about that, right?
Hence a new list. These are classmates who always find the subtlest, sketchiest ways to ruin our M-T-W-Th-F and sometimes even Sat-Sun. When classes are dismissed and days finally come to an end, everyone knows school would be a lot cooler without these fools.
The eternal borrower
“Pahiram ng size one, tapos hati na lang tayo para size two.†Or, “Pahiram ng size one, tapos hati lang kaming apat.†These are classmates who like borrowing all your National Bookstore treasures, from pad paper to bond paper, from highlighters to markers, from the cold water in your Coleman to the Coleman itself. Kindness is cool the first time around, but when your Rilakkuma pencil case starts to empty out, that might be your signal to stop being the eternal loaner. Beware of the leech, who might even be in the form of a pogi guy or hot girl. They’ll think about returning your stuff a year from now, but forget to do so.
The late mate
They transcend Filipino time by showing up 15 minutes before the class ends. That’s not even late anymore; that’s just flaking. If they ever do show up, they always look like they’re wearing something from Mugatu’s “Derelicte†line, but from Virra Mall. Late for the first long test, second long test, midterm exam — they’re even late for P.E. exams. They’re late for life. Joke. But it does make you wonder hard: Are these late mates actual classmates or creepy sit-ins?
The awkward one-liner
He’s all about the crickets. He’ll make a tumbleweed roll out of nowhere, even in the rain. Nobody laughs at this guy’s comments in class, mostly because he keeps adding “weh†after his own joke. His punch lines necessitate a punch and he knows it. He’ll sit in the back and say stuff out loud like, “Professor? More like bro-fessor!!!†Wait, that sounds like a joke I would’ve made. But yeah, somebody needs to mute this half-baked joker.
The beadle from hell
Beadles are responsible for keeping things organized and listing down homework on behalf of the class, true, but when they start being responsible for your stress by late announcements and such, then you need to impeach this point(less) person. I remember a time when the beadle even reminded the instructor of a quiz. So we had one. Die, dude. Why do you like being a quiz trigger, dude? Why do you like pain, dude?
The green joker
Small talk when the professor is boring can be fun, but hardly with this guy. His sex humor knows every rule and breaks them. Every joke is just over the top. You force a “haha†every now and then because you’re slightly afraid he might turn his humor into real life.
The english hater
They give you the weird look when you talk in English because to them, we’re in the Philippines and anyone who does not use Tagalog is a social traitor. To them, using English to converse is none other than a bragging tactic, the slang of the cool. Not everyone who talks in English may not have the best intentions, but hey, easy on the stink eye. We can’t always sing along to Kamikazee with you.
The slow bro
They never hear, let alone understand anything in class and would rather rely on you for quick summaries of the lesson. Every little thing the teacher says sounds like Dothraki to the slow bro, and before you know it, you have become his part-time translator and tutor. Before you know it, you have acclimated to his annoyance and evolved into a slow bro yourself. Before you know it, your hands are intertwining. Before you know it — okay, that’s enough, this is turning into something the awkward one-liner would say.
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Comments are welcome at ralph.mendoza@yahoo.com and @ralphmendo.