How to Speak About Men in a PC Way

Call it reverse chauvinism or a bad case of PMS, but there’s no such thing as trying to be politcally correct when talking about women as one would with men. The Court tried two Fridays ago to speak positively about the species in skirts and was instead inundated with humorless hate mail. One irate reader even sent an e-mail to a cyber-clueless Argee, calling him a "bratty Bin Laden to the feminist movement" and spiked the document with an attachment code-named PORNO.TXT for good measure.

Knowing that Argee is the type of guy whose infinite curiosity with the female anatomy is quite legendary among the swinish stock of Philippine society which he obviously represents, he clicked his browser on the said document and, voila - the computer technicians in Virra Mall are currently administering anti-virus treatment on the downed system ("For crying out loud, Argee, that was MY computer" - Honey; "Hey, I wouldn’t have opened it on mine!" - Argee).

Such jackass attitude of having the least sensibility for observing propriety either when dealing with women’s property or handling their sensitivities is supposedly standard scruples for men all over. Even as guys attempt to show some tenderness when talking about women, their baser instincts inherited from their cave-dwelling days betray any honest undertaking to be a little more civilized in telling their likes and dislikes about ladies.

Indeed, women are born with inane talents in articulating gender rectitude as they grow up developing their own art of doublespeak just to reciprocate every crude and crass remark uttered by men about - and usually against - women.

Thus, when any female refers to any male as...

1) GERIATRIC GIGOLO, she actually means that he is a DIRTY OLD MAN!

Familiar words from a geriatric gigolo: "Akong bahala sa tuition at cell phone mo, hija."

2) ELECTRA COMPLEXED, she actually means he is a MAMA’S BOY!

Familiar words from an Electra Complexed: "Mommy is asking if you would like to taste her adobo. If you are, she is inviting you for a Sunday supper (such a pathetic excuse to ask a girl for a date)."

3) HURRICANE HARRY, she actually means that he is PRESKO!

Familiar words from a Hurricane Harry: "Sabi ng mga kabarkada ko, maganda ka raw. Kung ganun, bagay tayo!"

4) TOP BRASS, she actually is dying to call him "KALBO!"

Familiar romantic words from a Top Brass: "I ran out hair to pluck just to know if she loves me or loves me not."

5) BED PACER, she actually means he is SLEEPING AROUND!

Familiar words from a Bed Pacer: "Do you have problems sleeping? How about I teach you some sleeping methods – say, you and me tonight in your room?"

6) SPIRIT QUESTOR, she actually means that he is a LASENGGO!

Familiar words from a Spirit Questor: "Hindi pa ako lahshwenng!"

7) BABY BOOMER, she actually means that he is a CRADLE SNATCHER.

Familiar words from a Baby Boomer: "How about I help you write your thesis, darling?"

8) TWIN SHARER, she actually means that he is a TWO-TIMER.

Familiar words from a Twin Sharer: "My girlfriend is very, very understanding."

9) MARRIAGE MONGERER, she actually means that he is a BIGAMIST.

Familiar words from a Marriage Mongerer: "Marriage is just a piece of paper. Besides, I’m technically an emotional widow."

10) DOMESTIC MICROMANAGER, she actually means that he stays at home doing mostly nothing as he is ETERNALLY JOBLESS.

Familiar words from a Domestic Micromanager: "Previously, I planned to work in the banking industry. Now, I’m thinking of setting up my own business (like what?)."

11) ATHLETIC APOSTLE, she actually means that he is a SPORTS BUM.

Familiar words from an Athletic Apostle: "How about I go and watch a PBA game while you do the grocery?"

12) FAST WORKER, she actually means that he suffers from PME (as in premature you-know-what).

Familiar words from a Fast Worker: "How about a quickie (as opposed to what?)?"

13) VIAGRANT, she actually means that he has ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

Familiar words from a Viagrant: "I have another headache, dear."

14) ECONOMIC WUSS, she actually means that he is KURIPOT.

Familiar words from an Economic Wuss: "Wala na bang tawad ito (uttered when he is already shopping for an anniversary gift for his girlfriend in an ukay-ukay outlet)?"