MANILA, Philippines - On the first day of the Papal Conclave, 115 cardinal-electors from different parts of the world gathered around and talked about the sex abuse cases that shook the walls of the Vatican and then they got down to the business of electing a new Pope. Sure, it’s shocking to see Pope Benedict XVI resign because apparently Jesus told him so; we haven’t heard that kind of chismis since the 15th century. Whether he’s resigning because of old age or VatiLeaks, the scandal that erupted last year which pointed out a few misgivings inside the Vatican, one thing is true: 1.2 billion Roman Catholics need a pope, and they need one pronto.
Technically, any Catholic male who did not buy his way into a position in the Church, someone who is old enough to party, and is not a heretic can be elected to become a pope. Heck, even a non-Catholic can be elected if he’s down to convert. With this in mind, Supreme handpicks seven qualified individuals who could rock the conclave.
Willie Revillame
If there’s anything we learned over Wilie’s latest controversy in which he scolded co-hosts Ethel Booba and Ate Gay, it’s that he cares for the public. However, the same could not be said for his co-hosts. Ethel promptly resigned and Ate Gay took a metaphorical slap in the face. With him being the pope, the daily Mass could be turned into a noontime spectacle rife with production numbers, girls in skimpy clothing, and Willie Revillame proclaiming the words of God. Wow indeed.
Sebastian Castro
Sebastian actually looks like a nice guy. His credentials for the papal conclave? Cosmopolitan’s 69 Hottest Bachelors back in 2011. Being in the conclave requires one to be a bachelor, right? His song Bubble is apropos for the hip, gym-loving guys of the now. I’m sure his penchant for “pushing and grinding boytoys†would fit well in the diverse landscape of Roman Catholics. The fact that he’s openly gay now probably would help his candidacy.
While offending religious feelings might pose a big threat to Celdran’s papal candidacy, he probably knows a lot more than what the Church has revealed thus far. I mean, in the US alone, there are over 1,800 victims of sexual abuse that have been settled to the tune of over $1.2 billion. That’s a lot of hurt feelings, which, by comparison, makes Celdran’s case seem a bit trifling. Pope Celdran could induce a dose of democracy inside the walls of the Vatican and perhaps he could also teach the conclave a thing or two about reproductive health (or being discreet).
Kuya Germs
Religion never sleeps, so the people need someone who doesn’t even find the need to wink. The fact that German Moreno is practically ancient, with his bulging belly and sagging face, his look is already a dead ringer for the Papal position. Kuya Germs is practically an institution and is known as a religious man. Also, unlike Michael Jackson, you can put Kuya Germs inside a studio during midnight with 30 teenagers, and not a single lawsuit will emerge. Aside from how to succeed in show business (Kuya Germs is celebrating his 50th anniversary this year), Kuya Germs could also teach them the ways of restraining one’s self in the presence of a pre-pubescent entity.
While we’re on the topic of pre-pubescent entities, Daniel Padilla definitely has it going on. If you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest scouring the Internet for videos featuring girls flipping out after meeting with their esteemed idol. Yes, the Church frowns upon idolatry, yet there’s still a man nailed to a cross facing you every Sunday. His launching movie Must Be Ellipsis Love, which features the first on-screen tandem of KathNiel, that weird portmanteau that trends every damned day, is yet to open. If it wins big in the box office, then Daniel Padilla could be the Justin Bieber of the Vatican.
Papa Jack
If the success of his book Everything I Need to Know about Love I Learned from Papa Jack is a gauge, then Papa Jack has this right off the bat. It’s practically the new bible of the masa and there’s probably an abundance of it in your Facebook Timeline. The Church thrives on God’s love, and with Papa Jack on board, there’s a slight chance that the Church can appreciate the 365 quotes for them lonely hearts. Also: from Bikini Opens to radio jock to the new Pope sounds like a killer Magpakailanman episode.
Here comes the wild card. Technically speaking, Beyonce Knowles has a vagina. There’s a medieval legend that a female pope, Pope Joan, was once elected but was not listed in the official list. Apparently, she “was a woman who disguised herself as a man and became, by her character and talents, a curial secretary, then a Cardinal and finally Pope.†All hell broke loose when she gave birth to a baby while mounted on a horse in her papal visits (bulletproof cars were non-existent). By the awesome rules of religion, she was tied to the horse and dragged around while being stoned to death. Fun times. Beyonce knows how to disguise herself and she is definitely a talent oozing with character. She’s a devout Catholic who could definitely outperform any candidate right now. If only we could find a way to get her inside the Vatican.
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