A youngman came up to me asking for advice last week. He cheated on his wife of five years and was caught. He wanted to know how he could convince his wife to take him back, was obviously sorry for his indiscretion and said to me, “I don’t know what came over me. This other girl was just a pastime. I’m so in love with my wife.”
There, I stopped him. “So in love? No, you’re not,” I firmly said. “You probably think you’re in love or you want to be in love or probably, you’re in love with the notion of being in love, but you are not that in love. Right?”
Of course, he was shocked because he had bared his soul to me and wanted some words of wisdom and there I was contradicting him. But I continued to say what I know of people in love.
There’s a selfless feeling about loving. It’s self-sacrifice with joy, it’s giving without asking for anything in return, it’s working with a smile, it’s a floating feeling like we have angel’s wings, and the heart is as soft as cotton. There should be no need to be with someone else nor is there any desire for extra pastime. Most importantly, being in love doesn’t hurt the other party, least of all cheat on them. My words probably hit a nerve because the boy was nodding and was in deep thought.
Looking at him, I actually felt sad and sympathetic about people — being all too human, we’re made of body and soul. Although I stood on my belief that he was not that in love, his remorseful state proved he was in love to some degree beyond my judgment. Well, at least he wasn’t just pretending to be sorry.
Unfortunately, there are many people nowadays who are forced to pretend to be in love, either for survival, for money, for the sake of peace or just because… There are a dozen or so reasons why some people find the need to pretend.
A secretary who moonlights as the boss’s mistress (or vice versa) pretends to be totally in love for obvious reasons. She is a kept woman and she must endure whatever relationship she has forged with the man and pretends to love him. Worse is, she even convinces herself she’s in love to justify her actions.
On another perspective, a married man can also be caught pretending to be in love with his wife, especially if he has a boss who’s very family-oriented or if he’s in an establishment that values family, then he has to pretend. He pretends to be in love or he doesn’t get the promotion or he may even be out of a job. Husband and wife hold hands in the party, attend company outings together, pretend to be amused with each other’s stories and laugh at each other’s jokes. So like the secretary/mistress, the husband and wife pretend to be in love to survive for their respective careers.
And how about arranged marriages? I would think that if you were forced into one, you’d have no choice but to pretend to be in love with your partner. At the very least to keep your sanity, you must be able to convince yourself that you will be able to spend the rest of your days with that one person your parents have fixed for you to marry. I marvel at our Filipino Muslim youth who obey their parents and cope with arranged marriages. Of course, the young Moro women are smarter now. They will never allow their husbands to take more wives than one.
It’s no different when you have to satisfy a dying wish. Actually, I saw a movie like this before but I just can’t remember the title. The grandmother wanted her grandchild to be married and in love before she died. If the grandson didn’t fall in love before the grandmother’s death, he would be disinherited. So, the grandson finds someone who agrees to pretend they’re in love. The problem is, the grandmother wasn’t dying just yet. So, they’re stuck for a while longer, continuing to pretend. They were eventually caught by the sly grandmother because playing lies has a way of revealing itself. As far as I can remember, he wasn’t disinherited after all and she didn’t die on time.
Pretending to be in love is more prevalent than we think. Most Filipinos are non-confrontational. So, for the sake of peace, they will pretend. Boyriend/girlfriend pretends when they can’t get out of the relationship. They avoid having to explain why they want out or they don’t want to get into an argument. They avoid the begging and the repercussions of a break-up. In the end, they find that it’s easier to pretend than to be challenged.
I guess it’s the same for husbands and wives. For the sake of peace, for the sake of the children, for the sake of family and friends, they are satisfied with pretending to be in love. We will never know who they fantasize about when they’re in bed. Could be Brad Pitt, could be a mistress, but people who pretend to be in love can’t suddenly have each other in mind when they’re in bed. They take make-believe to the next level. Pretending to be in love in front of your friends must be a hard thing to do, especially if you’ve lately not had a decent conversation. To act in front of your children may be okay if they’re just kids but when they’re adults, it’s almost impossible.
Falling in love is easy. You set your sights on someone who’s attractive, available and whom your parents may like, and you go from there. What is difficult is remaining in love.
When we are married to the same person for a long time we either learn to appreciate or detest each other’s idiosyncrasies like when they leave a tube of toothpaste exposed, taking a long time in the bathroom, husbands not calling their wives when their friends are coming over for dinner, snoring, wives sleeping with mudpack all over their faces, bulges, wrinkles and all.
If we do not accept such idiosyncrasies it is very easy to pack one’s bags and say goodbye — until we arrive to a saner assessment that it is not only about two persons but for the children as well, for the vows that we took for better or for worse.
Fortunately for us, there are relationships where we love unconditionally, where we continue to be in love whether we want to or not, where there is no need to pretend. They are our partners, our parents, our siblings, our children.
Be thankful that we love for real.