No guilty pangs? Nah. They’ll never know anyway. Besides, if I miss out on some really good tips and prayers (dodging bad luck, bad vibes too), the e-mail wheel has made it possible (and quick) for me to get it sometime, somehow.
Take the one below. I got this message a few years ago and what fun I had reading it. But then, I got the same message several times until my computer crashed. Give me a break. My PC had to be replaced with one having more memory and space for whistles and bells, and photos (hooray for the latter).
Fast forward to 2006, and wham, bang, the wheel turned full circle and, like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, "I’ve got mail" again. This time, I was glad to receive it. Why? Because when I went down the "you-ought-to-know" list, I found I had followed and believed in a great many of them and my life is a lot cleaner, safer and funnier.
But where’s the tip on "how to survive a heart attack when driving alone" and that one about pricking your finger and drawing blood to survive a stroke?
This collection of e-mail became fodder, a good reason really to continue being a half-baked OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) sufferer. Why half-baked? Because if you’ve read the book by Dr. Judith L. Rapoport The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Washing (New American Library/Penguin Books, January 1990), you’d know that OCD is serious stuff. Watching Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets makes it look hilarious and cute, but beware: not so in real life.
So there you are. Can you keep my secret?
"I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
"Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. "I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
"I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
"I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish (Gavin Edwards).
"I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
"I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
"Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
"Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
"I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
"I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
"And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
"I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
"I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
"I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. (Query from LJL: What about Johnny Air?)
"I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
"I no longer have any sneakers – but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
"I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
"Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
"Thank you, too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.
"And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
"Oh, and don’t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
"If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
"I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician."