I was appalled. This is the kind of fragmentation that breeds morally deficient people. The whole culture of lying and cheating begins here: right in the home. This is a nation that struggles with corruption, truth and integrity. In that father’s statement, we get a glimpse of its roots.
The message is disturbingly clear: it is OK to cheat and lie as long as you cover your tracks. How can one access his moral compass when the very person he looks up to has time and again shown him a problematic picture of integrity – one that can be altered and adjusted, tweaked here and there? How can he begin to fathom the wounds he has inflicted on his family when he was taught that discretion is a valid and acceptable alternative to truth?
It is not fair to ask your daughter-in-law, who made the same vows your son did, but upholds them, to be patient. Not forever and not without qualification. The more human thing to do is to help the couple get to a space of truth and accountability, admission and responsibility. Then conscious rectification can begin. Only then can healing occur. A commitment to living a life of truth from this day forward – no matter how ugly, painful and difficult – is the one sure way to heal the worst wounds. But without attrition, there is very little hope to move on.
Morality is not something you grow into as an adult. It is a path you consciously take and strive to keep walking. You stray – like we all do – but you process your experience honestly and then crawl back, work hard as hell to regain your uprightness, and keep walking. Fidelity is a decision. People who cannot abide by it should not marry. It is not right to put your whole family’s sense of integrity on the line just because you can’t live a life of truth. It is cruel, narcissistic and a great disservice to the children you bring into the world, not to mention the partner whose soul contorts to keep everything together.
Is a marriage built on lies moral? Marriage is not about tenure. It is about love. Not romantic love but love in the deepest sense; love that honors, encourages, respects and protects another human being’s spiritual growth and destiny. Nothing grows and flourishes in the dark, except mold and bacteria. And that’s the kind of negative energy you bring into a family when you live a lie – whether they are aware of it or not.
One person lives a lie and the family suffers on many levels because that person effectively turns the lights off on them. They may not realize how dark it is, but in time, the darkness manifests. The worst thing is, no one can put a finger on what is terribly, terribly wrong. So it spreads like a cancer. The wife starts drinking, becomes negative and makes her grand entrance into the world of denial. The children discover drugs and get into all sorts of trouble. The family falls apart. The family may remain intact but its members are damaged. Until the darkness is finally named. Only then can truth come in and show them where everything is.
Whoever said "What they don’t know won’t hurt them" must have been an incredibly insensitive sub-human. Lies are felt very deeply. We may not realize it intellectually, but the soul always knows when it is being attacked by untruth. But we can choose to participate in the lie or reject it. We can choose to let the truth shine.
When moral flaws surface in our adult children, do we ask how we contributed to them not just in the things we told them but in the things we thought and did, the way we lived our lives, the moral choices we made, the way we spoke of and treated others? While our children were young and forming physically and morally, what kind of examples did we set? What were the things we fought for, the things over which we sat on the fence? What were we passionate about? What were we apathetic about? How many times did we lie to them, in front of them? At all? How many times did we sit there, mutely, as someone lied and cheated brazenly in front of them? How many times did we go back on our word? How long did we allow them to live in an environment that was layered with untruth?
A few days after I read that sorry article, I was exchanging texts with a friend. We were commenting on how well another friend’s marriage seemed to be holding up. She then said that the marriage is approaching the seven-year itch. I replied that as long as they are faithful to each other and there is truth and transparency in the marriage, anything can be surpassed. She said, "Can any Filipino male stay faithful? Hard to believe."
A big part of the problem is that our women have accepted that double standard. By asking that question, we take infidelity as a given. So women work around it, creating layers of emotional mud to break the inevitable fall: that’s what men do, at least he comes home to me, at least he doesn’t fall in love, at least he’s a good provider. And so we learn to live in the cracks and become responsible for the erosion of our soul and the corruption of our children’s morality. Every time we turn a blind eye, we say it’s okay for our men to cheat; that it’s part of every marriage. By accepting this, we condone it and contribute to the ills of society we are now fighting so hard against. Every time we do this, we teach our sons to be husbands from hell, our daughters that fragmentation is the key to survival. We teach them that truth is negotiable.
For weeks now I have been writing about the fight against apathy and the need to restore truth and integrity in the country, and how it all begins with inner change. The examples above are the very places we need to start. We must begin at home. That’s the microcosm. What just happened in Congress, what continues to happen in the nation, that’s how it manifests.
We have all learned to accept liars and crooks because we want to preserve the status quo. People who support GMA keep talking about the law, the economy, unity – as if these were separate from the basic spiritual and moral principles of truth and integrity. Not so. Businessmen think that keeping her in power will create a stable economy. For how long? The world sees us. How can a brazenly corrupt government protect and uphold the interests of the people? Anything built on a lie will collapse. It is only a matter of time.
In a recent talk show, the host said her sources told her that GMA was actively and personally calling congressmen and their families to offer them the world for their vote. A lawyer said this was perfectly legitimate in the world of politics. That we have political standards that imperil our morality is telling of the kind of nation we have become. That we continue to support a "leader" who has used her soul as collateral is chilling.
In choice lies our freedom. We can continue the fight for truth and morality wherever it takes us or we can turn off the TV and accept that one drama is over and there’s nothing more to do. We can accept the present government, questionable leader included, because we are tired of going to the streets. We can say GMA is the better alternative and do nothing, thereby opening the gates wide open for the trapos and other stronger forces to take the reins. In this way, we shape the kind of parent we are, the kind of Filipino, the kind of human being. By default, we are creating the country in which no true mother will want to raise a child.
I have two sons. I want them to be whole human beings. Not one way at work, another at home, another in church, another before people with money, another before people without. No. I want my sons to respect and honor Divine Law above Rule of Law or any other man-made law. I want that to be alive in them no matter what they face. It is what will make them morally strong and true. In this way, they can never be owned. Only a morally sound person is truly free. That is what I want for them.
I want to raise the kind of children who recognize that everything worthwhile is built on truth and integrity. Anything that degrades humanity is not to be condoned. I want them to always know what it means to truly serve humanity and that staying on that course – no matter where it takes them – is part of our responsibility as human beings, no matter who we are. Always.
People have asked why I bother, why I’m with Pag-Asa, why I’m at the People Power Monument, why I march etc., when everyone else is tired of it all. I cannot let fatigue, fear and cynicism wear me out. Apathy has no place in this fight. Not when so much is at stake. I owe it to my children. It’s as simple as that.