Where the hell is Sanjaya Malakar? With his faux hawk crafted from multiple ponytails, the toothy teen once tantalized — and terrorized — American Idol audiences by skating to the top 10 with his minimal talent. Idol saboteurs, including radio jock Howard Stern and votefortheworst.com, urged Fanjayas from all over to rally behind the hula-hooping oddball and make him win. The plot to cheapen the show’s integrity did not succeed — Jordin Sparks, another teen, was crowned the champ — but it did expose the downside of the populist spectacle.
American Idol’s purpose was to find the best unknown singer and turn him or her into a star. Looking to television in the hope – kitsch optimism if you will – of taking part in this naïve meritocracy, the viewing public was encouraged to express its individual opinions, eventually congealing via manufactured excitement into the so-called people’s choice.
But what if the same viewing public happened to have crappy taste? The subversion of that democracy nearly came into fruition in 2007, when, instead of discovering the most talented puppet, voters almost chose a refreshingly quirky though spectacularly bad singer. Yes, that was Sanjaya Malakar. Again, where is he now? According to Internet reports, the perceived worst singer on last year’s American Idol has been spotted casing The Groundlings theater on Melrose Avenue in L.A. Bitten by the acting bug, perhaps? After all the hype and the drama, however, that’s hardly setting the entertainment world on fire. Then again, the same can be said about most Idols from recent seasons.
FALLEN IDOLS
Along with Sanjaya, a lot of AI grads – both big winners and also-rans – have suffered the same grim fate. Detractors like to pick on Season 5’s Taylor Hicks, who was recently dropped by his label, and second placer Katherine McPhee, who has decided to go independent. Other Idol alums whose careers have stalled include Season 2’s Ruben Studdard, his runner-up Clay Aiken (now a mere MadTV punchline), and Season 3’s Fantasia Barrino. Even American Idol 2007, Jordin Sparks, hasn’t been spared by the curse. Her debut album garnered the lowest sales in Idol history and her lead-off single, Tattoo, though a Billboard Top 10 hit, has been panned for being soul-numbingly bland.
The list of marginally successful flashes-in-the-pan continues with Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, Constantine Maroulis, Jasmine Trias, Elliott Yamin, Diana DeGarmo, and Blake Lewis, among others. After spending months praying to their gods that they might become idols, and practically becoming so by way of makeovers, they have turned into nothing more than puffs of American air, clouding up the pop culture soundscape one second and vanishing the next. Their semi-careers simulate the state of the entire music business, which is in a slump.
ESCAPE FROM KARAOKE PURGATORY
On the bright side, there are those who have lived up to American Idol’s stated function, turning TV votes into record sales in the process. The original Idol, Kelly Clarkson, has been the most accomplished of the lot. Since bagging the title in 2002, she has cultivated a personality that has ferried her to pop stardom, succeeding, presumably, on her ability to hurl syllables with astonishing volume. But Clarkson has hit a few speed bumps lately, after insisting on a brassy, angry-chick vibe for her current CD, My December, and pissing off record label execs who warned her not to stray from her million-selling formula.
Other Idols who have escaped from karaoke purgatory are Season 4 winner Carrie Underwood, the hottest act in country-western music today; Chris Daughtry, who finished fourth behind Hicks and sold 2.5 million copies of his Creed-sounding self-titled album in 2007; and Oscar winner (Dream Girls) Jennifer Hudson. Going by the reality dynasty’s impenetrable jargon, that bunch is safe in the high-vote group.
THIS IS YOUR NOW
Now that Season 7 has already started with the Philadelphia auditions, followed by Dallas, it’s funny how the show’s hosts insinuate that American Idol 2008 will be bigger and better than the ones before. Don’t they say that every year? And aren’t we subjected to the same overwrought renditions of familiar hits and the requisite throaty loudness every time?
The sad truth is, American Idol becomes more revelation-free as the years roll by. Those who still watch it have become accustomed to the show’s tackiness and garish product placement. Viewers can now predict the destiny of Whitney, Mariah, and Celine standards long before they are butchered – falling flat, and sharp – during the auditions process.
Oddly enough, those episodes, which are spliced with horrific performances by hordes of middle-American freaks, are more popular than when the field is narrowed to the genuinely talented. Crafty editing makes those tryouts phoney, but they bring on the LOLs unlike the dry and bureaucratic post-audition part. Heck, Simon Cowell’s man-boobs aren’t even that gross anymore. That’s really not a good sign.
During last year’s season finale, Jordin Sparks sang, “This is my now/ Am I really in the moment?” Who knew that those cheesy lyrics were also mildly prophetic? Deluded American Idol hopefuls seek fame in the form of a first-prize record contract, only to find out that their fame only lasts as long as their audition tape, a bit more if they make it past that. Their stardom is nownownow, as TV eccentrics on their fourteenth minute, and that is all they should ever expect. That said, forget about past Idols who are now languishing in the reality recycling bin. Forget Sanjaya and the ruckus his hair caused in 2007. Tell me, what the hell happened to William Hung?