An abusive person can change, but an abuser may not

DEAR EPPY,

I read your column of November 5, 2013 and I was appalled by your advice to the lady.  You read her letter, but you were not really listening to her.  I believe that your advice was totally inappropriate — written like a man.

She says, “I envy women who leave their husbands; there should be a group therapy for wives who stick to their neglectful and abusive husbands, I need to leave him.  Yet, I am paralyzed by fear...”  Your advice:  “... sit down with your husband and talk about ...; bring him to a therapist who can help the two of you to communicate ...”

This situation is beyond repair. All she wants now is to have the courage to leave her husband, how to move forward so she can do that.  She is NOT seeking advice to continue the relationship.  Knowing the difference between an abusive husband and a husband who is an abuser is not any help.  In any case, I can’t see the difference, she is being abused by a husband who is an abuser, by an abusive husband.  I apologize if I am too simplistic.

She should just say: “Goodbye, my husband in name only, I will live a life of my own, I choose to be happy and if God wills it, I may find a new partner who will appreciate me.” 

I am someone who separated from her husband.  It was a great relief, after a while.  Initially, I cried, for the loss of something that was valuable to me — the breakdown of the marriage, not the loss of the husband.

And, Mr. Gochangco, women have a right to be happy, alone if necessary.  Your advice was unrealistic.  I recall that I used to say to my now deceased husband, “Can we please talk?”  His stock answer was, “I’m busy” or “It’s not the right time.”  The right time never came.

SEPARATED WOMAN

DEAR SEPARATED WOMAN,

(To other readers: please refer to Philippine STAR, Health and Family, dated November 5, 2013.)

Allow me to quote from the movie Ratatouille of 2007.  The character that critiques restaurants, Anton Ego, made a wonderful point about critiquing, and I quote: “In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more   meaningful  than our criticism designating it so.” 

As someone reading people’s life story, it is important that I read everything in the letter.  I should not choose only those that I prefer to see.  I also need to be careful that I don’t say something that may change the reader’s life.  If it changes for the good, then that would be perfect.  But if it changes for the worse, then the reader will suffer the consequences of my criticism or opinion.  Yet, I remain unharmed.  I do not have all the facts and neither do you.

You are right.  A simple solution does not help in resolving a complex matter.  First of all, you and I cannot resolve our life issues through another human being (that is what you seem to be doing: taking revenge on all men using a hurting woman).  Just because you had a horrible husband doesn’t mean every wife who complains about her husband has an “evil” husband.  Even two women (lesbians) who fall in love with each other will have relationship problems and one of them may be abusive.  The problem is not about men versus women, the problem is about two human beings needing to learn to relate. 

I agree with you one hundred percent.  Women have the right to be happy even if they have to be alone.  But guess what: Men have that same right.  Men can be victims of abuse, too.  Moreover, it is important to know the difference between an abusive husband and an abuser. 

Everyone is capable of being abusive, both men and women.  Both men and women can love and hate.  For example, do you know that making remarks about one’s gender is abusive?  If so, following your philosophy, you are then an abuser because you have used my gender against me and made me feel bad about my gender.  Following my philosophy, I don’t think you are an abuser and are capable of change, therefore, I forgive you. 

See the difference?  An abusive person can change, but an abuser “may” not change at all.  I think you can change.  If you are not capable of change, then I should leave you and ignore your letter because it is a waste of time and effort to deal with you, since there will be no change.

I suggest you see someone to make you feel that you don’t have to see people or men as beings to hate or fight with.  You have to find a good therapist to help you understand that because you were abused by your husband you would have been traumatized.  Trauma makes a person change.  It is possible that you are very angry now without knowing it.  This will put yourself in a situation where you will find someone to abuse you again or be an abuser yourself.  In abuse, the victim can play the role of a victim in one relationship and an abuser in another relationship.  Resolving issues of abuse will help you to be aware of your choices and behavior and stop the cycle of abuse.

As for Gripped with Fear, if her husband does not go to the therapist with her, then she will know that he will never listen.  Please read my response to her again, I did not say that she should save her marriage; neither did I say that she should repair her relationship with her husband.  It is her choice to do that right after talking to a therapist, not before that. 

I heard her clearly.  But I had to “… read between the lines.”  How can she tell her husband she likes to leave if she doesn’t have the courage to do so?  A therapist is there to help her voice out her feelings to her husband.  The therapist will help her realize a lot of things and help her arrive at a more resolute option (unwavering and determined) as she seems ambivalent about her feelings.  I cannot give her in a short response what a face-to-face interaction with a therapist can.                                                                EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.

Author’s note:  In response to Gripped with Fear’s need for a group support, for those who feel that they need to be in a support group, please contact surrogatehelfen@gmail.com.  This group gives group support to people in need of support-related to addiction, grief, victims of abuse (battered wives or women), and other categories.  You can also call or text 0929-1650414.