Are you suffering from ‘suspicious’ or ‘reactive’ jealousy?

DEAR EPPY,

I am always amazed with your responses to those writing you. I never once thought that I would actually consider writing you.  But now, I think I’d like to seek your help.

I’m 24 years old and a mother of two lovely kids.  I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for four years and we recently got married.  When I first met my husband, he told me about his past relationships. This information made me come to the conclusion that he must have been a “playboy” in the past.  But when he became my boyfriend, he ended all his past relationships and focused on ours. 

But honestly, ever since we started our relationship, I never really gave him my trust.  I have always doubted him. Whenever he’s at work and comes home late, joining basketball leagues, or even when he says that he will just visit his aunt, I always would doubt him.  I can’t help but think that he is seeing another girl.  But we never had a fight about this.  I tried asking him if he was having an affair.  But he would always respond with, “I could have done it if I wanted to, but I did not.”  Then, when I ask him if he loves me and he would say “yes,” I would not believe him. 

I really don’t trust him.  I’m so confused.  I don’t know how to trust him, especially now that we’re already married.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not trusting my husband, especially when he is out of my sight.                     DOUBTFUL WIFE

DEAR DOUBTFUL WIFE, 

There are two possibilities in what you wrote: One is that your husband is a cheater and your fears are valid; two, your husband is not cheating on you and you have a personal problem you need to resolve.  Then again, it is difficult to know if your spouse is cheating on you or not.  

Amanda Orrs of People interviewed Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist from Maryland specializing in infidelity.  According to Dr. Glass, the characteristic that you might not consider as a sign that your partner is cheating may be the very characteristic that says your partner is cheating.  For example, Orrs explains that a partner who desires more sex at home may be so excited about the affair that they may need more sex with you.  Also, the partner who is more loving may want to keep you from suspecting something is going on.

However, in another article entitled “How to Tell if He’s Cheating” by Zondra Hughes, a list of signs is given that tells if a man is cheating.  Here are the following signs with the caution that no two cheaters will have the same behavior, Hughes cites Brittian Wilder: He is constantly saying, “I need more time to myself,” even if you see each other less within a week; there’s always an excuse to be away from you; changes in behavior in the bedroom with you; he is suddenly critical of you and compares you to others; becomes interested in new things, hobbies, and even food; and can’t look you in the eye when you ask, “Are you having an affair?” 

 Nowadays, Hughes explains, your partner can also have an affair via the internet.  The signs of an Internet affair are: spends a lot of time in the Internet, which was usually spent with you in the past; suddenly stops typing or turns off the computer when you are coming close; does not like checking e-mail when you’re around, or has multiple accounts; has sudden several meetings with people you don’t know; and visits dating sites on the Internet.

Now that you know what the signs are, see if you can catch your husband cheating on you.  If you can’t find evidence that your husband is cheating, then maybe the problem is not about your husband’s “possible cheating.”  Rather, you might have a “possible personal problem.”  

In a study done by Robert Rydell of the University of California and Robert Bringle of the Indiana University–Purdue University Indianapolis, both in USA, published by the Social Behavior and Personality journal, jealousy was discussed.  Jealousy is not considered a primary emotion.  It can be: real, imagined, or considered likely to occur.  It can be manifested: emotionally, behaviorally, and cognitively.  Rydell and Bringle point out that there are two types of jealousy: suspicious jealousy and reactive jealousy.  Reactive jealousy occurs when a partner has truly cheated.  Suspicious jealousy occurs when one partner has internal problems such as insecurity and self-esteem problems.  The behavior of the other partner, no matter what he/she does, becomes an occasion for suspicions of cheating.  

Thus, in “suspicious jealousy,” in the absence of objective evidence, a partner will create elaborate scenarios that will make him/her believe that the partner is truly cheating.  If a husband will tell his wife, “… next Saturday, we have team building in Tagaytay.”  The wife will now create an elaborative scenario where the husband has made plans in a hotel in Tagaytay to meet up with a woman.

If you think that what I wrote above is similar to your reactions, which looks like it, then I suggest you see a psychotherapist so you can resolve issues about how you see yourself.  You might have issues that you might be a person not worthy of love or something. 

I liked it when you said, “I don’t know how to trust him,” because it came from you that you’re the one with the “trust” issue.  You have an idea that you might be the one with the problem and not that you have a relationship problem.                                  EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.