Negotiation has been described as “the process of two or more parties reaching agreement through discussion, often with each party trying to influence the other to gain advantage.” It is one of the most highly valued skills in business. Parenting experts also say that negotiations between parents and kids can be a great learning experience for the children. By trying to resolve issues through discussion, parents teach kids how to deal with conflicts constructively. Now, I’ve gone through some of the best negotiation training and have even successfully negotiated some big deals during my years in the corporate world. I was excited at the thought of not only helping my children mature, but also of already laying the groundwork for their ascension to CEOs one day. Alas, little did I know that they’re naturally born “devil’s advocates” (lawyers). Exorcism is a word that now often comes to mind when they negotiate with me. On occasion, I’ve felt like splashing them with holy water and shouting, “The power of Christ compels you!”
My case is apparently not unique and many other parents face the same grim situation with their children. By “children,” I refer to kids 10 and below (although the devil has also been known to re-possess young souls in their later teens). Paradoxically, one reason why kids negotiate so well is that they have no strategy, no long-term plan. Like the perfect storm, it makes them unreasonably unpredictable. They are masters of brinkmanship. Their focus is “here and now” and they are not afraid to always go for “all or nothing.” From a purely tactical standpoint, children are probably also the best negotiators in the world. No matter how much training we adults get, we will never match their skill in using tactics such as the “broken record” or continually repeating a request until you go insane; “guilt” or making you feel like the worst parent there is; “emotion” and “physical unpredictability” which, when deployed together in malls and other public places where there are lots of people who can stare at you, can be devastatingly effective; and of course “divide and rule” and “higher authority” where they try to get parents to contradict each other (at times with the help of grandparents). With my string of negotiation losses and deadlocks growing longer, I’ve decided to go back to my old negotiation training manuals to help me turn the tide. Below are my findings which I hope other parents might also find useful.
• Before you negotiate, confirm your mandate. In business, one of the very first things you need to check before you negotiate is your mandate. Do you have the authority to negotiate and what are the parameters? As far as fathers are concerned, this means, do we have the mothers’ approval? It’s impossible to agree on everything, but if parents don’t agree on how to raise their kids and don’t have a relatively solid front, children will quickly exploit the “weakest link.”
• Decide which items are negotiable and which are not. Although some cynics may sneer that even Maria Clara’s virtue is negotiable nowadays, I do believe that there truly are some things that are not negotiable. There is no sense in wasting time on non-negotiable items. Forcing a negotiation when there is no possible meeting point will only result in useless conflict. In business, you simply walk away and find another buyer or seller. Examples for parents may be issues involving safety, health, and morality. I believe that when children sense that something is truly non-negotiable to both parents, chances are they won’t press the issue. One key is to keep the list of non-negotiable items short and to avoid being overly prescriptive. Otherwise, you might have an outright rebellion instead. Whatever they are, both parents need to be in complete agreement.
• Try to nudge or move negotiations to the “right.” Experts teach us that negotiation is a continuum. At the extreme left side of the spectrum is the “Lose-Lose” outcome/approach. Dirty Harry succinctly sums up the negotiation style here as “Go ahead, make my day!” On the opposite side or extreme right of the range is “Win!” where both parties are in perfect harmony like Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney in the song Ebony and Ivory. In between these two extremes (going from left to right) are “Win-Lose,” “Win-lose,” “Win-win,” and “Win-Win” (notice the small caps “l” and “w”). Unfortunately, children often negotiate from the left side of the spectrum. Instead of feeling frustrated and taken advantage of, parents should try to nudge and maneuver the negotiations to as far right of the continuum as possible. As difficult as it may be, this is where we can really teach kids the fundamentals of this very important life-skill.
• Practice “right-side” interactive skills. “Left-side” interactive skills involve tricks and deception. “Right-side” skills focus on creating openness and trust, understanding the other party’s underlying needs, giving and seeking value added options, and building agreement. Just like in business, these are the skills that we want to cultivate. First of all, we must always try to keep our cool. Remember, we are supposed to be the mature adults. Check and control the “climate” of the discussion and try to break tension with humor or time-outs. Truly listen to what the children are saying. Check and confirm understanding by repeating what they say. Sometimes, what’s more important to them is that we really tried to listen and to be fair. Concessions should be driven by genuine give-and-take and not by their constant badgering. For example, we may allow our children to go to bed an hour later on weekends if they go to bed on time on weekdays and if they stop complaining about it for an entire week. Or if they need new shoes but want something a bit pricey, you may agree to get them, but only if they do certain additional chores. This is how we can teach them to develop value-added options and build agreement.
Finally, we need to remember that although we allow our kids to negotiate with us, parenthood is still more of a benevolent dictatorship than a democracy. We should never surrender our authority to our children. Rather, we should teach them how power is judiciously and fairly used through the way we negotiate with them. Of course, everything that I’ve just said may look good on paper. But as they say, the devil is in the executional details. So just in case, I do also recommend a bible, a crucifix, and some holy water!
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