I am a mom of two boys – a three-and-a-half-year-old toddler and an eight-month-old infant. My concern is that my toddler seems to be very clingy, whiny and always shouting. I am so frustrated because I only get to spend the evenings and weekends (I work Monday to Friday and half the day on Saturday) with my boys and I just usually end up spanking and shouting at my toddler because he is always testing my patience. I thought motherhood would improve my patience, but it seems otherwise. My husband works abroad so I really have the sole responsibility of raising my boys. I feel guilty whenever I spank or shout at my toddler, but I couldn’t control my temper. I would like to improve the way I discipline my toddler and the way I respond to and deal with him. What can you suggest? Is there any book I can read? I am really frustrated and desperate. I don’t want the same thing to happen to my other boy. – Carmina Fresnosa
Dear Carmina,
Thank you for your letter. It does get frustrating when we cannot understand how to best deal with our children. Children usually cling to their parents when they long to have time with them. Since you have a full schedule, it might help to assess how you may find more hours bonding with your children. As parents, we are responsible for our tempers. We cannot simply take out our impatience on our children when they are not cooperating. They need our guidance on how to best express their own frustrations and disappointments. When they see us losing our temper and having a fit during trying times, they will respond the same way. We set the example and our children follow. Instead of shouting at and spanking your child when he is clingy or having a fit, try embracing him and asking him what he feels at the moment. Assure him that you love him. After he cools down, let him know that you have a difficult time when he whines or shouts or clings to you. Maybe you could give him an idea of how you want him to let you know about how he feels without shouting. It would also be helpful for him to see you cope with the situation by responding in a calmer way without raising your voice or having to spank him. Remember also to point out the good things you see him do, more than what you want him to change. Francis Kong reminds parents to praise their children 90 percent of the time and correct 10 percent of the time. Notice that he used the word correct instead of punish? Children are children. We shouldn’t expect them to be model citizens now. We must help them be that with our good examples. I hope that helps. Other books that you could read are: Parenting with Love and Logic, The 5 Love Languages, Boundaries with Kids and Shepherding a Child’s Heart. – Maricel