If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Lori Baltazar was a mutant.
In comic book parlance, she would be a saboscrivner, a person who can write about food so accurately that people get the sensation of taste when they read about the food. A champion of home bakers (and she can bake a pretty mean cheesecake as well), a workout addict whose bod is more toned than most singers on amateur variety shows and the popular blogger behind the Wall Street Journal-featured blog Dessert Comes First, Lori demonstrates her mutant powers by describing the most hypnotic combination of foods for a first date (hint: it’s wet), the sexiest foods ever (hint: it’s round), and the most potent aphrodisiac known to man (hint: it’s pink).
RJ LEDESMA: Where do you invest the gajillions of pesos you’ve made from this blog? Are you saving up for a gold-encrusted cheesecake?
LORI BALTAZAR: Of course not. (Laughs) I must stress that money was not and never will be the reason why I put up my blog! Dessert Comes First is powered by pure passion. It’s really my playground where I can express myself.
Exhibitionist ka pala. That’s a perfect segue to ask: What is so sensual about the baking process? Is it sensual because it involves yeast, butter and the breaking of eggs?
Well, of course (baking is sensual)! I don’t know if you prepare your own meals or if you rely on somebody else to do it for you…
I can break eggs. But my yaya likes to break my eggs for me.
As anybody who bakes knows, it’s a very tactile experience. It’s also a very sensual experience as well — how could you not be entranced by fingers folding in and fluffing up flour? Or the softness of bread? The bread really feels like a pillow or the softest cotton that you’ve ever touched. Or the smell of butter whether it’s straight from the fridge or the smell of butter whether it’s just straight from the fridge or being bitten in a mixture or being melted over a pot on the stove? Or the musky deep smell of really good vanilla? Or — might I remind you — chocolate! Have you ever smelled chocolate when it’s hot and melting?
So your husband must really enjoy a little baking himself after you’re done baking?
Yes! (Laughs) I smell like butter and sugar and a little bit of sweat. I smell very sensual after I bake.
Amoy pa lang, dessert na. I have an advocacy in this column to save No Girlfriends from Birth (NGSBs) from becoming misshapen creatures who only love themselves. If, theoretically, an NGSB gets a date, what type of restaurant should he bring his date to that will not only impress her? Someplace that is sensual, intimate and where you can you get a discount online?
You shouldn’t bring her to a place where she’ll be worried about eating something that might get stuck in between her teeth, like spinach. Or eating paella negra that will turn her lips and teeth a delightful dark color.
(NGSB representative: Got it, so during a date we should eat our food through a straw.)
The very manly and very thoughtful thing to do would be to ask her “Where would you like to eat?” or barring that, “What do you like to eat?” Take it from there. You’re trying to woo her right. So ask her what she wants.
(NGSB representative: This “wooing,” it’s not against natural laws, is it?)
And the man better have a game plan.
(NGSB representative: A game plan? Like what? Chess? Pusoy dos? Chinese garter?)
What type of places should a man suggest for a meal? An Italian restaurant? A Japanese restaurant? Or any place basta may unlimited rice?
Italian is always good. When a woman eats pasta, you can tell if she’s good with her mouth. Does she like to slurp the noodles slowly and sensually or does she slurp it up quickly? Because, you know na.
(NGSB representative: Wow. Where can I find the pasta like that?)
You can also take her to Swiss fondue or a hotpot place. Anything to do with communal or tableside cooking where there is a sense of companionship and you have to cook together. Did you know there’s a saying that if a woman loses her piece of bread inside the fondue pot, then the man gets to kiss the girl?
(DOM representative: That happened to me once. My date skewered my lips with the fondue fork.)
For the heathen bachelors reading this column, what should a man know about food to impress the ladies?
For me, there is really nothing that turns me off more than a guy who has very lukewarm opinions about all sorts of food. Like if I ask him, “What do you think about spaghetti Bolognese?” and all he says, “Oh, it’s okay.” That is such a turnoff! Do you like Italian? Do you hate balut? Do you prefer meals where you can make lamon? A man who knows what he likes to eat means he’s decisive and that he’s a man with a plan. And that spells nothing but good things for women. (Laughs)
(NGSB representative: I’m very decisive when I like to eat. I go for anything that starts with the adjective “instant.”)
And, siyempre, what should heathens now about good desserts?
The only thing that you need to know about good dessert? A cheesecake will win her over every time. You know why cheesecake?
Well, if cheese works for pickup lines...
Because if you put a cheesecake on a buffet table or offer it at any party, it’s the first dessert that will get finished. Everybody loves cheesecake. It has crossover appeal.
(DOM representative: Does it cross over to breakfast?)
Don’t worry about the DOM representative, Lori. I’ve had him neutered. But the NGSB might need a bit more help. Can you provide him with a game plan for a romantic dinner date?
Is he going to be ballsy enough to cook dinner for her?
We can provide him with substitute balls for that evening.
This is going to deviate from every women’s magazine I ever read. If you are ballsy enough to cook a woman dinner at your place, then I think you must give her man-food. So what is man-food?
Tofu?Steak. Medium rare to medium.
(NGSB representative: My yaya cooks man-food pretty well. Can she be around for the private dinner?)
Start if off with a few canapés. Maybe kesong puti with fig or with dried mangoes, or brie and fig, or blue cheese and guava jelly. Just spread these over sliced pieces of baguette, pop them in the toaster oven. I’m sure naman every guy has a toaster oven.
(NGSB representative: I have to check with yaya.)
Just wait until the cheese bubbles and melts and starts sliding down the sides of the baguette then serve it to her. Serve those canapés with a glass of sweet white wine. Then get straight to the point: offer her steak. If you can’t grill it, just sear it. Maybe two to three minutes on each side on a very hot pan.
(NGSB representative to yaya: Are you taking this all down?)
And if you have the wherewithal to actually chop up potatoes and fry it, make some French fries. Then pair it with a really bold glass of red wine, maybe a syrah. And for dessert? I hate to be clichéd, I like strawberries and champagne. It sounds like something straight out of a men’s magazine, I know. (Laughs)
(NGSB representative: In that particular men’s magazine issue, it said to place the strawberries around strategic pink parts. I tried it and it gave me allergies.)
If you want to get very visible and, perhaps, very literal, then have someone you know who bakes make you a really good panna cotta. I love panna cotta because when it’s done well — with the best cream, just a little bit of sugar to sweeten it, maybe even a little bit of vanilla extract but just enough gelatin to set it — it jiggles like a Greek woman’s thigh and just melts in your mouth.
(DOM representative: Where can I meet this Greek woman?)
Speaking of jiggling, are there foods in particular that you find enflame the senses based on your own culinary experiences?
Things that are passion on the palate? Of course! I love a really good melty brie. I like a brie that was kissed in a very hot oven and is served to you while melting. It surrenders its insides to you and the goo and the lushness is just melting on the board or the plate or whatever vessel it is that they decided to serve it in. Then you scoop it up with this thinly sliced toasts points or baguette and hit the melty cheese with something acidic like a really good guava or mango compote. (She licks her lips) Melted cheese is so underrated.
Ah, cheese: increasing levels of passion and LDL cholesterol at the same time.
(NGSB representative: Basta may kissing, ok ako diyan.)
Then eggs have got to be, hands down, the sexiest food on the planet. It beats foie gras, it beats oysters, it beats eggplant. You know why I love eggs?
(RJ points his finger at the DOM representative: Huwag kang humirit, koya.)
Eggs are the perfect food. They’re encased in a delicate shell. When it shatters, this orb just pops out at you and it’s golden and round and whole. If you can soft-boil an egg to perfection, then when you dip your spoon into it, it just gushes. That’s just lovely. Then you hit it with some truffle oil and sea salt. That, for me, is so sexy.
(DOM representative: You can soft-boil my eggs any time.)
Yaya, turn off his oxygen supply!
As you can tell, there is a theme going on with all the foods that I’m talking about: flowy, gushy, oozy foods, those for me are very sexy.
Yes, they sound really sexy. They also sounds like open wounds.
(Laughs) You know what else? Durian. My husband detests durian! My husband loves me to pieces, and he will do almost anything for me but will stop at eating durian. Durian is my favorite fruit because I grew up in Indonesia. If you’ve tried it, durian is all-encompassing and requires everything you have to give. Some people would say it’s malodorous, but for me it has the most complex mix of flavors and contrasting textures. I love it! And the burps are the worst after!
So durian — God forbid — can actually serve as an aphrodisiac?
Let me just shatter that concept about aphrodisiacs. I really believe that the biggest sex organ is the one between your ears.
(The NGSB representative start furiously patting all body parts in between his ears.)
It’s your brain! All of these things about aphrodisiacs or sexifying something, it’s all in the mind. If should love it, if you lust it, it’s sexy. You know, even a brownie from the convenience store could be sexy if you really love it.
(DOM representative: Or if you place it in the right places.)
(To the DOM representative) Or you pop it with the right things. (Laughs)
Please do not encourage him. It exacerbates his senility. Do you have any parting words for all the NGSBs reading this column who are now making out with melty brie? Is there any way that they can make themselves more attractive to women that doesn’t require legislation?
Naku, if we’re talking about NGSBs, then it has nothing to do with the food (you suggest on a date). It’s all about you. (Laughs) You’ll have to talk to a psychiatrist. You would have to have a makeover. Allow me to paraphrase my hairstylist, “Lahat pwede ko nang gawin sa ‘yo, pero kung pangit ka pa at wala ka pang girlfriend, kasalanan mo na yun.”
(NGSB representative: Well, durian, it looks like it’s just you, me and my biggest sex organ tonight.)
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For comments, suggestions or if you need help identifying your biggest sex organ, please email ledesma.rj@gmail.com or visit www.rjledesma.net. Follow @rjled on Twitter.
Check out Lori’s blog at www.dessertcomesfirst.com.
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And join RJ Ledesma as he signs all four of his books (Lies My Yaya Should Have Told Me, I Do Or I Die, Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Me? and It Only Hurts When I Pee) this
Friday, Sept. 14 from 5 to 6 p.m. at the National Book Store booth of the 33rd Manila International Book Fair in SMX Convention Center, Mall of Asia Complex, Pasay City.