Day in day out, when I read the papers, catch the news on TV, or watch some talk show or reality show, I’m barraged by stories and images of men behaving badly. Stories about all sorts of female abuse and betrayal, crimes of passion and crimes against persons and property hog the news headlines and TV show storyboards. So, this past weekend was a welcome change as I ran into several men who got me thinking: Hey, life is good.
I had dinner out with my female cousins last Friday and an ex-boyfriend of one cousin sauntered by the table next to ours to say hello to his friends. Upon seeing her, he crossed over graciously to greet us, as well. Like all women in this planet, what do you suppose we did immediately after he had turned away to walk back to his table where his current girlfriend was waiting? We talked about him, of course—how good he still looked, the alleged state of affairs between he and his girlfriend, who is known for rabid outbursts triggered by her jealous nature. Of course, these may be urban myths as they are based on hearsay.
Anyway, toward the end of our meal, Mr. Ex-Boyfriend walked over again, hand in hand with Ms. Girlfriend, to say goodbye to their friends at a neighboring table. When Mr. Ex bade us adieu as well, it was with some hesitation, as Ms. Girlfriend seemed to be keeping an eagle eye on his every move. We saw how uncomfortable he looked. His eyes were shifty, darting between his girlfriend and us several times, and he couldn’t quite keep still. He seemed punished; it was a painful sight, really. He has been called different names behind his back in reference to what the unforgiving Manila society perceives as their “controversial” relationship, with the unpalatable takusa (takot sa asawa, or henpecked) being one of them. Poor man, I thought at first.
But then, why “poor man”? On the contrary, maybe he wasn’t in any sort of distress at all. Maybe it is his active choice to cater to her and be deliberate about his actions around other women to help her with her insecurities, her issues — to keep her happy. They have been together several years now; surely, there is a solid connection there, some genuine emotion that binds them. How gallant, I thought. Most men would scamper away at the first sniff of a jealous woman. So, I raised my hand a little higher to wave goodbye to him.
After dinner, we met other friends for drinks at a lounge. First, one good friend, ever the consummate gentleman, was kind enough to go ahead of everyone else to reserve a table. So we ended up having one of the best seats in the house. Although he had to wait a while because dinner took longer than expected, he was in the best of spirits as we joined him.
Second, coming out of the ladies room was tricky because the door of double-paned glass edged with a heavy chrome frame was impossible to push open. Getting in was easy because a hefty woman had preceded me and I simply had to slip quickly through the door crack before it shut. This time, though, I was bearing down on it with my full weight and all I had managed to was leave it slightly ajar.
Luckily, this total stranger was exiting from the men’s room, which was facing the ladie’s. When he saw me heaving and ho-ing, he rushed over to come to my aid. I’ve seen many men these days turn a blind eye and carry on with their business when they see a woman in a similar situation, so this man’s gracious move made its mark that night.
The next day, Saturday, my cousin Nikki came over with her 16-year-old son, Javi, and our 15-year-old nephew, Tomas, to reconnect and talk about the International Baccalaureate program in Javi’s high school. He spoke of his academic life as well as his interior life — his thoughts, his dreams, his aspirations. He outlined his life plan along with a detailed time line. He was dead certain about pursuing a business degree in college, saying, “It’s Wharton Business School or bust.” He was in the process of deciding whether physics or English was the better complement to a business major. He walked us through the pros and cons of each prospective choice. He enumerated possible pitfalls of the path he was considering; the possible courses of action he needed to implement to ensure success.
I sat there enthralled, asking myself every so often in the course of the evening if this, indeed, was a 16-year-old speaking. With him as a benchmark, I dare say that men of his generation are built a little differently nowadays. If they are the kind of people who will shepherd our country into the succeeding decades, then maybe we are in safe hands after all.
On Sunday, in church, I saw Manny, my friend, Mia’s husband, serving at Mass for the nth time. I remember bringing this up to Mia a while back; she said it has been part of Manny’s spiritual journey to be of service to the church and the congregation in whatever way he can. He could have easily opted to spend his morning on the golf course instead like many men I know, or loll around in bed on a lazy Sunday — but there he was.
I watched as he walked down the center aisle with that red sash across his chest, bearing chalice in hand as he offered communion to many. I sat there watching, with much pleasure.
Why does the media present us mostly with images of men in the throes of aberrant if not deviant behavior? Is it because we readily buy into it as it makes for a gripping or exciting story? Is it because we enjoy ranting about them? Or is it simply a convenient excuse to divert focus from what we really need to do — examine our own behavior so that we may better ourselves, our lives?
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Thank you for your letters. You may reach me at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.