We women lie. Often. We lie about our age, our weight, our waistlines. We lie to our husbands about how much our shoes really cost; even if it’s only a fraction of the market value of, say, one screw in the mags of their exotic sports car; or a third of the cost of its hood ornament; or roughly equivalent to the price of half a seven iron. We lie because if the tightly guarded truth about the price of a decent pair of ladies’ shoes these days is divulged to any hardworking male, he would promptly keel over. The cost of his funeral and burial will subsequently render any shoe purchase unjustifiable — no matter how glorious and handsome the pair; no matter how much of the must-buy-or-will-die feeling it gives you.
We lie when you ask us how many boyfriends we’ve had or how many we’ve slept with. We lie when asked, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” You know what I’m talking about, right? I won’t spell it out here, but if you’re still clueless, watch the movie When Harry Met Sally; that’s how good we are at lying.
But nothing, I believe, matches the deception women have managed to pull off with the opposite sex as the use of the Wonderbra. Like my brother says, “With women these days and that darn Wonderbra, you never know… you just never know.”
The male equivalent of a woman’s Wonderbra is the peluka (my friend and colleague RJ Ledesma’s favorite word). When you see a man with meticulously groomed hair, you never know… you just never know how much or how little hair lurks under there.
Another matter that both men and women vehemently lie about is the number of partners they have been intimate with. Here, you can safely apply the popular “Rule Of Three,” which works like this: multiply any woman’s numerical answer to the question “How many men have you been with?” by the number three and you’ll get closer to the real picture.
With men, meanwhile, divide their answer by three and you’ll arrive at the more humbling truth.
But however skilled we are at lying, men are just fan-freaking-tastic at it (you didn’t think that this whole piece would be devoted to my ranting on about my own kind, did you? That introduction was the olive branch in anticipation of your reaction to the succeeding paragraphs).
Hasn’t it been deeply ingrained in the Filipino male consciousness, this canned excuse that every boy learns in his youth, and which he keeps handy for the eventuality that he will be caught in flagrante delicto (caught red-handed on top of a woman)? Repeat it with me, now: “It’s not what you think, nadapa lang ako.” Filipino men are indoctrinated much like first-rate international spies. They live by the motto, “Admit to nothing.”
When a man crawls home from an extended happy hour and his worried, waiting wife, in curlers and duster, asks how many drinks he’s had, he answers, suddenly straight-faced, “One beer only, honey.” And isn’t it curious how men’s heads snap back whenever a gorgeous lady passes by? And when confronted by a Nazi of a girlfriend or spouse, they blame it on an imaginary neck ailment that they were trying to straighten out.
According to a favorite nephew of mine, Mike Plotec, men usually lie on first dates. “It’s like a job interview,” he says. You do everything you can to market yourself well. Men also lie when they’re drunk and when they talk about their mothers.
Women, on the other hand, lie about boundaries in relationships, according to my 23-year-old daughter, Francesca. Women say it’s okay for you guys to have a “boys’ night out” every week even though we don’t mean it; we’re just biding time, devising some clever ploy to make you pay sometime in the future — two years down the road maybe, when you’ve completely forgotten about it and with accrued interest in usurious rates. Girlfriends lie when they say it’s okay that you remain friendly with your ex but expect them to sulk in a corner for a week and douse you with the cold treatment. Women expect you to read their minds and figure out what is acceptable behavior in a relationship and what is not. I am so glad I’m not a man.
Wives say they forgive their husbands for their short-lived affairs with movie starlets and sundry pseudo-celebrities, but in the same breath, they troop over to millionaire’s row in Greenbelt 4 and max out all their supplementary credit cards. Women also supposedly lie about not caring how much money a man makes. But how come money and power are such potent aphrodisiacs? Idle women who have not achieved much by themselves are the most deeply concerned about this, I would think. Dependent women need men with tons of money. After all, to borrow my daughter’s favorite phrase, “The shoes don’t buy themselves.”
A definition of the word “lie” is in order here: a lie, according to the Wikipedia online dictionary, is an untruthful statement made to someone else with the intention to deceive. Lying, therefore, is the act of delivering a lie. There are several types of lying:
Misleading: When a person makes a statement that isn’t an outright lie, but still has the purpose of making someone believe in an untruth.
Lying by omission: When a person tells the truth, but not the whole truth of the matter, which is not classified as a lie but as an act of deception.
Bluffing: A term used to describe the act of pretending knowledge one does not have, or making threats one cannot execute.
Mark Twain said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies; damned lies; and statistics. St. Thomas Aquinas divides lies into three kinds: the useful, the humorous and the malicious. All are sinful according to Aquinas, but humorous and useful lies are lesser in degree. In other words, some lies are worse than others.
Applying such logic to our purposes, let me then qualify that Wonderbras and pelukas are useful lies and, in most instances, also humorous ones; thus, relatively harmless. So how does one protect oneself from such forms of deception? Simple. Become pessimistic. Whenever you see Wonderbra and peluka users, lower your expectations. Who knows? You just might be pleasantly surprised!
On what occasion is it acceptable for one to lie? There are some scenarios in which white lies can save everyone involved a lot of grief. In situations where a lie could avert a social catastrophe, cost you a couple of teeth or a humongous black eye, the truth is not necessarily the best option. Here are some common situations, according to stress management specialist Kristen Armstrong, in which being insincere could spare you and those around you a good deal of anguish and bodily harm.
When asked your opinion: If a woman asks you “Does this dress make me look fat?” your answer should not be an outright “Yes,” if you yourself are not as fit as Brad Pitt was in the movie Troy; or if you don’t fancy your girl’s stiletto heel stuck in the top of your skull as an accessory; or if you value your relationship with her in any way. If asked the “Was-it-as-good-for-you?” question, for heaven’s sake, lie! Lie like your life depended on it unless you don’t mind living like a monk, or worse, like a eunuch, for the rest of your life.
Comforting a friend: You know those times when your best buddy’s girl just cheated on him, so you tell him you’ve been there and that you completely sympathize? You even go so far as to tell him that a million girls would rather date him than that supermodel, Gabriel Aubry look-alike whom he was dumped for? This may be a blatant lie, but in moments like this when anyone in the same situation would feel unwanted and undesirable, it allows your friend to realize that his problems aren’t permanent, and that he will feel better eventually.
If you are burdened with the detailed knowledge of his girlfriend’s infidelity or indiscretion and he asks you to tell all, it is in everybody’s best interest that you spare him the graphic details to avoid twisting the knife’s blade, now already buried in his gut.
When discussing your past: In the world of dating, true gentlemen should know the art of insincerity, especially if divulging the entire truth will compromise a number of ladies from their past. It is tactful to keep such matters to oneself. However, bigger issues (this involves a judgment call) should be handled with honesty; otherwise it can only lead to more problems in the future. Beware: anything you say to a woman may incriminate you in the future. Don’t exaggerate, don’t embellish, because these same matters may come back to haunt you; sleuthing is a favorite pastime of some women I know.
Softening a rejection: If you’re presented with an offer you’d much rather refuse, it can be tough to do so nicely. Turning down an offer for a date or even a helping of your girlfriend’s mother’s dinuguan can be difficult to do without appearing to be a brute.
These situations often call for quick thinking and smooth talking. Instead of telling the truth, such as, “I was actually eyeing your more attractive friend over there,” soften the blow with an answer that will rationalize your decision. For instance, telling future mama-in-law you’re watching your weight is better than telling her that her blood-and-guts stew tastes like Dracula’s puke, and turning down a date is easier if you make it seem like it’s nobody’s fault. Use the excuse that you’re fresh out of an acrimonious breakup or that you’re working far too much to plan a date. Declining a date citing outside reasons saves you from looking like a jerk and her from feeling like a loser. Awaken your inner actor and inject some real sorrow into your repertoire of facial expressions to make her feel like you’d agree to the date if the situation would allow it.
When etiquette demands that you pay a compliment: When presented with a brand-new baby or when face to face with a happy bride, it is expected that you find something complimentary to say, whether or not it is truly warranted. In this type of sticky situation, being insincere is the easiest way out. Instead of making up an elaborate, ergo obvious, lie, you can still earn the good graces of others by commenting, rather than complimenting.
Find something genuine to say. Note that the baby “has so much hair” or “looks just like his mother” without any further qualification. Alternatively, you could find some closely related subject to compliment, such as telling the bride that her gown is gorgeous. These non-critical comments appear entirely sincere; they offer a kind word and an easy out, and may help save your hide.
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E-mail the author at cecilelilles@yahoo.com.