How to be really seductive

I recently wrote a piece that covered the intricacies of seduction – that is, how to subtly assault someone with impure intent and actually successfully complete your "mission objectives." If you missed it, I suggest you immediately secure a back copy from this newspaper; the information is a good introduction to what we are about to briefly explore: determining whether your object of amorous affection feels the same way.

Note that there is no precise manner of interpreting another human being’s feelings and actions. This is purely a process that involves trial and error, much like cooking. Use the wrong ingredients, and the dish might come out in an unexpected, albeit unsatisfactory manner. You cannot know with certitude whether or not your target feels the same way. It is not a science in the sense that there is no definite outcome, but at the same time, the only way to figure out complexities is by extensive experimentation.

To make matters more difficult, everything lies in your ability to decipher your target’s signals. Is he winking at you because he finds you attractive, or because his jealous ex-girlfriend angrily poked his eye with her clawed finger? This is why we need to understand the methodology of seduction. Keep the following tactics in mind, and if you see them being used by your potential lover, then you are well on your way to discovering his true opinion of you.

The Smile

One of the most fundamental tools of the master seducer is the smile. There are three different kinds of smiles: the closed mouth, the upper row, and the full tooth flash. The closed mouth is a very effective way of expressing sexual intent. It is simple, sophisticated, and very, very flirtatious, and if combined with proper eye contact, it can be a sign that your target is deeply interested in exploring your anatomy.

An upper row smile involves revealing only the upper row of teeth. It is considered the most sincere of the three, showing a pleasant, friendly attitude. This is the kind of smile given to a friend one is glad to see, or an acquaintance one would like to know better. Unfortunately, it is also the most difficult to interpret, being that it shows limited, yet amicable interest.

The full tooth flash is terrifying, exposing both rows of teeth and pulling back the entire mouth. It is commonly used when one poses for photographs, and while most people think that it is an attractive way of showing happiness, more often than not, it also suggests that one intends not to flirt, but to devour an entire elephant cooked in creamy béchamel sauce. Very few people can sincerely and successfully flash all teeth; this should be used sparingly, as it is also considered the most forced of smiles.

Note, of course, that these smiles are taken in context, and only define facial expressions that are genuine and properly displayed; there are other permutations, such as the "plastic" smile, which are too easy to read, and which should not be taken into interpretive consideration.

Eye Do

Another way of telling whether or not your crush likes you involves observing what he does with his eyes. Heavy eye contact and constant staring are obvious signs. There is one ingenious tactic unconsciously employed by many successful flirts. First, a look is thrown directly at the target. The gaze is held for a few uncomfortable seconds, and then broken. Seconds later, another look is given, this time more intense and assertive. Finally, a third glance, but only in the general direction of the target and not making eye contact, which gives the impression that the seducer is being coy, subtle, and evasive about observing. Should you decide to use the three-glance tactic, be sure to pull it off with focused, intent looks. Be alert, assertive, and direct. If the delivery is at all lacking in aggression, you’ll probably look drunk, drugged, or worse, stupid.

The following tactic is rarely employed, but if it is used, then you can be sure that your crush will at least want to give you a French kiss. It starts with the aforementioned three-glance tactic, and ends with a strong, conclusive physical gesture: finishing a drink and slamming it on the table, stubbing out a cigarette, or suddenly standing bolt upright from one’s chair. This is followed by a locked, intense stare directed at the target as the flirt walks purposefully and strongly towards her. He stops mere inches away, and delivers a short but shockingly flattering compliment: "Forgive me for interrupting, but I’ve been watching you from across the room, and you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Um. I hope I didn’t make you too uncomfortable. Have a great night." The flirt then swings around rapidly, having said his piece, and briskly walks away. In two instances out of three, the target will respond favorably, at least making a new friend if not ending the night in bed with him. This works because most people will be so impressed and flattered by such words that they feel compelled to hear more, and spending some time with such an amazingly confident yet terse guy might well result in even more fantastic compliments and conversation.

The Message Is The Medium

A somewhat less effective method used to express one’s interest involves sending messages. Real ones. Written on napkins and coasters, no less. Do not make the mistake of proposing a night of fun by sending your target a hastily scrawled letter written on a mangy, dripping piece of processed tree bark. It is tacky, cowardly, and passé. If you ever do this, I will hunt you down and beat you with a cocktail table. There are much more creative and direct ways of telling someone you like them. If someone actually has the gall to send you a crappy invitation, be sure to return the favor and send over a message of your own. Preferably attached to a venomous Egyptian snake.

A slightly similar but more socially acceptable way of fishing for interest is to send a friend over to lay the groundwork for seduction, so to speak. The friend may open with a line that informs the target of the seducer’s attraction. Unfortunately, this is a very risky tactic. Your friend may start feeling drawn to your target. Even worse, your target might think that you are the decoy, and the friend that you sent to do reconnaissance is really the one who wants to get down and dirty. Some of you may have had success with sending messengers, but in general, it is extremely ambiguous and potentially misleading. You might as well come over and talk yourself. Don’t be lazy. If you can’t even muster the guts to talk to someone and find it necessary to bring in a middleman, then you’re probably better off practicing your skills in export trade.

There are a slew of other methods that can be used on you, or that you yourself might care to practice with, for that matter. Those offered here are either very basic or very popular, and the rest are perhaps best reserved for a future piece. But for now, feel free to experiment.

Remember that, as with all things involving seduction and flirtation, nothing is certain. You may end up with great sex, or you may end up with a black eye. Or even four flat tires and a heavily scratched paint job. Just keep in mind that you’re simply trying to have fun, and again, if all else fails, at least you had a challenging, fantastic experience trying to get into someone’s pants.