'Some marriages lack authentic love'

(Conclusion)

If some marriages are not made in heaven, is divorce the answer?

Those opposing the legalization of absolute divorce in the country insist that divorce will not guarantee a second chance at happiness for couples seeking a graceful exit from rocky marriages.

Fr. Ruben Tanseco of the Ateneo de Manila's Center for Family Ministries says that countries with absolute divorce have not shown any improvement in the lives of families.

"On the contrary, we have data to prove that divorce only worsened the situation," he said. "Couples no longer find the need to work on their marriage. They just simply resort to divorce."

There are at least 37 countries allowing couples to sever their marriage ties and remarry. Of these countries, the United States, which was the first to approve no-fault divorce in 1969, has the highest divorce rate.

No-fault means a spouse can file for divorce on grounds of being separated for one year. Prior to the advent of

no-fault divorce in the US, the suing partner had to prove that the other was guilty of any of the following: desertion, adultery or sodomy, cruelty, or having committed a crime.

Tanseco explained that the US itself is now considering the repeal of its law on no-fault, since it only caused the already climbing divorce rate to jump further. In 1969, when California Gov. Ronald Reagan signed the first no-fault divorce law, only 16 percent of first marriages in all states ended in divorce. Today, the figure is close to 60 percent.

One of the main proponents of adopting stricter divorce laws in the US is John Crouch, executive director of the group Americans for Divorce Reform. In a television interview, he said that although marriage is supposedly the most important contract a person can enter into, such contract is no longer legally protected in American society.

"Marriage (now) is the only contract that anyone can break anytime and not be held responsible for it," Crouch lamented. "Getting married in America is now like doing business in Russia. Everything is up for grabs, everything is constantly negotiated. And nobody has to keep their word anymore."

Crouch said that with the liberal divorce laws in 44 states, no one seems to be investing in marriage anymore, "because they know the other one can leave at anytime." Yet he said the American youth still value marriage as something they would want to be for life.

"Responsible young people don't want to get into marriage if those are the rules. They say that if they want to marry, they want it for life. But they have no way of making that decision anymore. We don't allow young people to make that choice," he said.

Tanseco is asking: "If Americans who are very liberal in their thinking now realize that divorce is creating more damage than good for them, then why are we insisting on legalizing divorce here?"

The Jesuit priest noted that in his 30 years of counseling unhappily married couples, he had seen marriages already on the brink of collapse which were saved by the couples' decision to stay together.

And he said that had absolute divorce been legal in the country, such couples would have simply opted to part ways.

He may be right. Couples who had been through hellish marriages said they could have divorced their spouses long ago had there been a divorce law. These couples have undergone counseling from a movement called Retrouvaille and are now working hard to improve their marriages.

"We could have been divorced by now," said one couple, who are both in their 50s. "But we realized that to have a happy marriage, we should strive for it."

Retrouvaille (pronounced re-troo-vay) is French for "rediscovery." It involves a weekend retreat where couples from unhappy marriages, specifically those who are already contemplating on separating, listen to other couples who have managed to settle their differences and have decided to give their marriage another try.

Fr. Dave Clay, a member of the Columban Fathers, launched the movement here several years ago mainly in response to the rising number of broken marriages.

He said that in his decades of counseling, he has found that people of all shapes, ages, colors or languages share one thing: They all believe that marriage is forever.

"I once counseled a woman from Beijing who wanted to divorce her husband. I looked her in the eye and said, 'We have something in common,' and she asked what. I said, 'The day you got married to your husband, you know it is forever.' She cried, and said yes. She knew it was forever."

Clay considers marriage a "gift" which should always be protected. He said that introducing divorce in the country would only give couples the option to disregard that gift, and never lift a finger to safeguard it.

"There is something beautiful that happens on every wedding day. Something good. We should not allow divorce to just destroy it," he stressed.

Retrouvaille in the United States has even united couples who are already divorced. Clay recalls one couple, both septuagenarians, who underwent the program and decided to live together anew.

"Retrouvaille is about healing, about forgiveness. It gives couples the chance to rediscover themselves and their love for each other," he said.

Tanseco, meanwhile, noted that many couples spend so much time, money and energy preparing for their wedding day. But they spend nary a thought on the days and years that would come after they have said their marriage vows.

"Prepare for your marriage, not for your wedding," he says. "The wedding is just for one day. The marriage is for a lifetime."

Tanseco is at the helm of another movement called Discovery Weekend (DW). Since 1979, he has helped engaged couples know about marriage before finally deciding to tie the knot.

He observed that many marriages have suffered because one or both of the spouses lack the maturity needed to sustain a harmonious union. In most cases, he saw that the male was generally immature.

"My experience agrees with the survey that Filipino males are mostly immature. They don't even know the full meaning of being a husband," he said.

And he noted that a majority of Filipinos who get married lack "authentic love" which he believes is the main ingredient of happy marriages.

"Authentic love means thinking of your partner more than yourself. In most marriages today, both parties just think of their own happiness, their own rights. You need to have authentic love for your marriage to survive.

Tanseco and the Ateneo de Manila's School of Theology have released a statement formally opposing House Bill 6993 which proposes to legalize absolute divorce.

And the priest said he believes that if a survey is done today, it would come out that a majority of married Filipinos are at peace with their partners and would oppose divorce.

He explained, however, that this does not mean there is no more room for improvement.

"Sustaining a happy marriage is like caring for a plant or a pet. Your needs as well as your partner's change from age to age and you have to work on the marriage constantly, day by day, or else it will deteriorate," he said.

This does not mean, though, that Tanseco believes all marriages can last a lifetime. On the contrary, he admits that some marriages are better off severed.

He recalled a couple he once counseled whose marriage was really beyond repair. He said he asked them to go through a process of discernment. After a long period of thinking things over, the couple said their conscience still told them that the marriage was really over.

"I had no choice but to advice them to separate privately and ask the Church to annul their marriage. Now they are both happily married to different partners and one even has a 21-year-old son from his second marriage," he said. -- With reports from Elmer Mesina, Rommel Bagares